Oh boy! The NBA Finals are here, after only what seems like 6 months of waiting and slogging through mostly shitty games, we finally get to watch two of the most storied franchises (along with their unfuckingbelievably annoying fans) preen and posture through what I can only hope will be a swift, merciful series.
Since both teams rate slightly below "Self-castration with rusty grill tongs" on my "Things I Enjoy" list, it was difficult for me to pick a rooting interest. I settled on the Celtics, simply for the reason that, while I hate Massholes more than any other species of fan (except you, Yankee fans--you can rot in hell while listening to the complete works of Yanni), I hate Kobe Bryant a whole lot more.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the prediction--because you can't have a post about a major sporting event without a long-winded analysis best left to serious writers, followed by a bullshit prediction (look to my Pens preview from last night to see how THAT went).
Starters
Los Angeles (Spanish for "Second Quarter Arrival")
Lamar Odom--Notable NBA stoner, seems like a guy you'd want to hang out with, has nice versatility and can even bring the ball up the floor.
Pros: Versatile (also cooks, cleans, and does the dishes!), restrains himself from punching Kobe in the face every 2 seconds, great passer.
Cons: Very inconsistent, distracted by a bag of Fritos every time, fondness for Dyan Cannon.
Pau Gasol--Spanish guy that the Lakers were able to acquire for the hoops equivalent of this much.
Pros: Surprisingly, a good inside player, given that he played for the Grizzlies. Terrific at Calculus and an ambassador to the many Basque Separatists that call themselves Lakers fans.
Cons: Has a reputation for being a soft player, pre-game growling not "Garnett-like", plays defense with the aptitude of a blind nun.
Derek Fisher--Seemingly decent off-court human being with an admirable devotion to family.
Pros: Has a knack for hitting huge shots and playing solid defense on more talented players, is an inspiration to all other average players who aspire to be champions, manages to keep Kobe from killing the entire team.
Cons: Can be exploited by a talented point guard, but since we're talking about Rajon Rondo, Sam Cassell and Eddie House here, that shouldn't be a problem. Loves Danielle Steele "novels".
Vladimir Radmanovic--Balkan gunner who can run as hot as Houston in July or as cold as that bitch who rejected me at the bar last night.
Pros: Great shooter when on, runs around yelling faux-Soviet phrases like, "In Soviet Russia, ball shoots you!", drinks Aunt Jemima syrup during timeouts.
Cons: Doesn't realize that no one thinks he's any good, isn't any good, will likely cost the Lakers at least one game with his crappy play.
Kobe Bryant--Self-absorbed, back-stabbing Jordan wannabe who'd play 1 on 5 if he thought he could win.
Pros: Unmatched scorer, defender and competitor. Terrific clutch player. Apologizes for mistakes with expensive gifts.
Cons: Has a nasty habit for throwing everyone around him under the bus, is still a total cancer (trust me), secretly doesn't trust any teammates in crunch time.
Boston (Irish for "Whiny fucking assholes")
Rajon Rondo--Guard from Kentucky with the jump shot of Ashley Judd.
Pros: Decent floor leader, hasn't totally shit the bed so far, isn't Sebastian Telfair.
Cons: Young player prone to getting a little frazzled, takes a long time on Starbucks runs, awful at Jenga.
Paul Pierce--Scorer, rebounder, do-it-all'er for the C's.
Pros: All the things mentioned above, remarkably resilient to knives, pulls off horrid-looking porn mustache with ease.
Cons: Kind of slow, to be honest. Too much baby fat, rumored to be on Chris Hansen's bad side.
Ray Allen--Superb shooter, one of two imports that got the C's rolling this year.
Pros: Smoothest J in the game, dresses well, hates Kobe.
Cons: Can't play defense unless he's guarding Wally Szczerbiak, his caucasian counterpart, unnervingly close to having OCD, has no street cred.
Kevin Garnett--Intense, emotional heartbeat for the Celts. Also happens to be very good at basketball.
Pros: Intense to the point that it's scary, has very white teeth, energy released from pre-game screams powers entire buildings.
Cons: Having ball in his hands late in a close game is his Kryptonite, seems like a borderline psychopath, hates miniature golf.
Kendrick Perkins--Suddenly decent former prep-to-pros player.
Pros: Gives the Celts lots of rebounding and D, knows how to properly treat a lady, isn't Mark Blount.
Cons: Still a project of sorts, forgets to brush AND leaves the seat up, infuriating any hooker he brings home.
Benches
LA
Sasha Vujacic--Voted Most Likely to get righteously decapitated in this series, in a poll of all NBA players not named Bruce Bowen.
Jordan Farmar--Too good to spell his last name with a fucking "e", like the rest of us.
Ronny Turiaf--Dances like a fucking moron. Fuck him.
Luke Walton--Son of Bill, therefore, annoying as fuck.
Boston
Eddie House--Saw him live, it was the only time I thought I could beat an NBA player straight up.
Sam Cassell--Hopes games don't run too long, is due back at old folks' home by 11:30.
Leon Powe--Actually, he's pretty decent.
Glen Davis--Might eat Vujacic, if given the chance.
James Posey--Most likely to commit a blatantly flagrant foul and act like it was nothing.
Given all that, and with virtually no actual analysis to be found, my sources say Celtics in 6.
And really, as long as someone (read: Kobe) gets the Rambis treatment, I'll be happy.
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