Creative Differences Takes a Trip: AFL Version

Football. Genesis of my delight from September through (I always hope) early February. Reason for drinking self into a coma every Sunday. In general, the greatest sport (except for playoff hockey and college hoops) in the world. Naturally, arena football must carry some of the same endearing qualities as its bigger, badder older brother, right? Even arena football in Cleveland--right?

Wrong, kind of.

When some family members invited me to see "Gladiators" I was confused. I was pretty sure American Gladiators wasn't switching its filming locations by the week, and I already have the extended edition movie here at the mansion. Finally, upon realizing that it was arena football I was going to be enjoying, and from the fifth row behind the end zone, no less, I started to get excited. So excited that I used some unnecessary commas in that last sentence.

Glory Days

I went into the game with an open mind, and I kept telling myself, hey, it's football, football's fucking awesome no matter how it's being played, even if the combatants are a bunch of lost-it's and never-had-it's. Surely these guys would manage to entertain me sufficiently, especially given the fact that I was close enough to potentially get some spittle or blood on me. Well, turns out, I had no reason to fear, because the event staff at this game was ready to make sure no moment turned dull, no break went without sponsorship, and no gift card went unclaimed.

At this point I'm going to deviate from talking about the game in any way, shape or form. Cleveland won by 12 or 13 in an unusually low-scoring game to clinch a playoff spot. Whoopee. In other news I don't care about, Barack Obama is coming under fire for something or other. Whatever. Anyway, what really matters here, and what really interested me, was the fact that the AFL, which bills itself as the most fan-friendly pro sports league, seems to be quite willing to go to embarrassing lengths to prove it.

I'd say the atmosphere inside The Q was like a minor league baseball game mixed with a circus, but that would be insulting to circuses and minor league baseball teams everywhere. From the "fan attempts a field goal" to the "find the motorcycle helmet while blindfolded (though clearly looking down at the ground visible beneath the blindfold)", every stupid sideshow was represented. There were enough T-shirt tosses to make me consider beating up an old lady, just for giggles. The cheerleaders (sorry, Goddesses, as they're known) look like they just finished a show at Scores, and they have the dance moves of geriatric insurance salesmen.

Whee, action!

Call me a purist, but it goes a little bit beyond being fan-friendly when you've got literally 50 diversions during the course of a game. I'd be willing to bet that working in the promotions department for any AFL team is the fast track to bigger and better things, so long as you're willing to swallow your dignity for at least a few years. The truest, most succinct description of the events came from a family friend who turned to me during yet another ridiculous stoppage event and said, "I can't take this bullshit anymore." Amen.

Honestly, I'm still so much in sensory overload mode from what I saw that I can't really say anything else about the extracurriculars, except that they need some toning down, or go the full monty and get a ringmaster, liontamers with whips and a trapeze artist performing without a net after every score. It can be one or the other, but for my sake, and the sake of all people either over age 11 or with an IQ of more than 50, make up your minds, AFL. I can't take any more T shirt tossing before I start tossing something myself.


Appendix: A quick rundown of all the special activities I can remember

--Multiple T-shirt tosses
--Throwing footballs into the stands after the home team scores
--Blindfolded "Find the helmet"
--Catch a ten-yard pass and sit on the barstool
--Kick a 30-yard field goal (was missed)
--Spin around then hop on one foot while on crutches across the field (no, I'm not making this up)
--Enough fireworks to rouse Helen Keller
--Countless routines by the strippers Goddesses
--Throw the ball into the uprights