Handicapping (HAHA, GET IT???) The U.S. Open

The U.S. Open is my favorite golf tournament. Last year, I gladly sat in hot, humid, generally miserable conditions for hours on end, then stood on my tiptoes around the 18th green for about 20 minutes, all in the interest of saying that I saw Tiger miss his last putt to tie Angel Cabrera. And I'd do it again in less than a heartbeat.

I love the U.S. Open because it perfectly represents all things that golf is to the common man: Unfathomably frustrating, challenging, daunting, and if one is equal parts lucky and good, rewarding. I love the U.S. Open for the same reason that I despise the Masters--tradition. Whereas the Masters leaves all viewers covered in green spooge from start to finish, what with Jim Nantz and crew whispering in hushed tones about how amazing the aura is at Augusta National, all the while ignoring the exclusive (very) white elephant in the room, the U.S. Open's only tradition is beating the shit out of people who are quite used to doing the same thing to most golf courses. Admit it, it's nice to see professional golfers, people that would very likely shoot scores in the mid 50s at your home track get torn to shreds and reduced to whining incessantly about the unfairness of the setup. I know I find myself sympathizing with a bunch of millionaires that get paid to do something most people over the age of 20 would kill to do one day a week.

Contrast this with the "Old Boys Club" atmosphere of the Masters and it shouldn't be difficult to see why our national championship is the one golf event worth watching and glorifying to a ridiculous extent. It takes no prisoners, gives no quarter, and asks for none in return. It isn't sympathetic, sentimental, forgiving, or traditional. It isn't played on the same ultra-exclusive club each year, and in fact is being played on a muni for the second time in five years. If that isn't the final piece of evidence needed to convince the unwashed masses that this is THE golf tournament to watch, I don't know what is.

All of this brings me to Rick Reilly. Reilly is a man that embodies everything the Open doesn't. He's sentimental*, sympathetic*, forgiving*, etc. especially if expressing these emotions consistently enough will earn him a new fat contract that'd make any hockey player blush. He also loves to champion the underdog, as he did in his Open preview, where he espoused the virtues of rooting for Phil Mickelson. Yes, Phil Mickelson, the plucky underdog, winner of 3 Majors (Including 2 Masters victories--fucker), possessor of a number 2 world ranking, husband to an extremely hot wife, maker of more money than you or I (well, okay, maybe just you) will ever see, and all around excellent golfer.

*Unless your name is Barry Bonds

Yeah, lot of sympathy for him

Reilly wants us to believe that since Phil hits the ball all over the yard and makes great escapes for par, he is somehow more worthy of your rooting interest than Tiger. No and no. Most polls show that people don't give two shits about the PGA Tour when Tiger isn't playing (trust me, it's a really high number, but I'm not going to look it up, I'm too lazy), and reallly, I don't find it fun to root for a guy who can get up and down "from an ice cream cart" as Reilly states. You know what I call a guy that gets up and down from everywhere on the course, dropping 30-footers and making impossible shots? Fucking lucky. And annoying. There's nothing prettier to me than watching Woods blast the ball off the tee (even though it might land forty yards left or right of the fairway), get the fucker on the green, and either sink a birdie or make an easy two-putt. It's simple, effective golf, and it's fucking awesome because he's the only one that can do it and he makes it look so easy. That's why his 2000 Open victory was so fucking impressive. If you're 15 shots clear of the field, you are a man I can root for.

Mickelson and Reilly embody all the qualities of lesser tournaments--they're sappy, seemingly nice (okay, maybe not), and have an "aw shucks" attitude about them. Fuck that. Woods is a destroyer, an unholy conqueror of worlds, a force of fucking nature. Rooting for Woods is like rooting for the tornado against trailer park, the Great White shark against the sea lion, the crocodile against the unsuspecting tourist. He's also exactly the person you should be rooting for this week. He is all of the things that a U.S. Open should be; equal parts vicious, unrelenting, intimidating, and daunting. The U.S. Open doesn't reward the guy that can make par from the ice cream cart--Phil already learned that at Winged Foot.

I implore you, readers, take my advice. Don't root for the lovable loser, the perpetual best man, never the groom (at least here), root for the fucking stone cold killer, the guy that would gladly play you at your local club for 20 bucks and rip your heart out without moving a facial muscle. Root for the guy coming off knee surgery, because a grizzly bear with a bad knee can still kill a bunch of idiot campers. If you can get yourself to do this, you'll be rooting for the winner.

Tiger by 8, in a "Fuck you" victory.