Euro 2008 Dictionary

Because I promised this blog some international flavor - and because the sheltered rednecks who read my paper don't care about soccer - I happily present this, an American's guide to the 2008 European Championship.

Held every four years and lasting roughly a month, the European Championship is a lot like the World Cup, except it involves only European nations and distracts us from the four or five more important continents. Euro 2008 is the 13th edition of the tournament, and the first since 1984 to not feature England, which somehow finished third in a pool of countries who, excluding Russia, couldn't fill Wembley Stadium with their combined populations.

So now that the Limeys are out, I don't really have any strong rooting interests, which means I want to see competitive games and beautiful football. These are the teams that will hopefully deliver on that promise.

- Austria [AW-stree-uh]
noun
1. A squad that automatically qualified as co-host, but might belong in the field anyway
2. California's pick to win the tournament

- Croatia [kroh-EY-shuh]
verb
1. To kick ass qualifying for major competitions, then suck ass playing in them

- Czech Republic [CHEK ree-PUHB-lik]
verb
1. To put aside domestic chaos and quickly become a soccer power again
2. To nuke the United States' World Cup progress

- France [frants]
adjective
1. Careening between skillful domination and severe underachievement from tournament to tournament
2. Using one's head to score goals or score bookings
See also: schizophrenia

- Germany [JUR-muh-nee]
noun
1. Consistent importance on the world soccer stage
2. A better record in World Cups than World Wars

- Greece [grees]
noun
1. Defending European champions from 2004
2. The art of sneaking up on people at international soccer and basketball tournaments

- Italy [IT-l-ee]
verb
1. To stay on Brazil's heels as the most prolific World Cup performers
2. To flop
See also: World Cup giants, Manu Ginobili

I see you, Azzurri

- Netherlands [NETH-er-luhndz]
adjective
1. Displaying precision, interchangeability and control on the pitch
2. Displaying a Cleveland-esque knack for finding new ways to come up short

- Poland [POH-luhnd]
verb
1. To accomplish something just often enough to make people take your team seriously

- Portugal [POHR-chuh-guhl]
adjective
1. Most likely to become the eighth different nation to win the World Cup
2. Most likely to dress metrosexually when celebrating this achievement

- Romania [roh-MEY-nee-uh]
noun
PLEASE SEE: irrelevance

- Russia [RUHSH-uh]
noun
1. A promising yet blank soccer slate, considering young history
2. Dolph Lundgren's pick to win the tournament

- Spain [speyn]
noun
1. A nation that produces arguably more soccer talent than anyone on the planet
2. A nation that produces arguments over why it never wins anything

- Sweden [SWEED-n]
noun
1. A comical disparity between World Cup success and Euro futility

- Switzerland [SWIT-ser-luhnd]
verb
1. To ignore one's history and build a strong, young soccer federation
2. To assure further success through tournament manipulation
See also: co-host

- Turkey [TUR-kee]
noun
1. Onomatopoeic play at all major tournaments except the 2002 World Cup



FEARLESS FINAL PREDICTION: Portugal 3, Netherlands 2

We're, like, super soccer team number one!