Rebuttal, I Guess

I've let DJMJ run his mouth on and on and on this week. Part of the reason I've allowed this is because he's an entertaining fellow when he's full of impotent rage. Another part of the equation is that this simply isn't a big game for me, or for any other Steelers fans. Call us when the Patriots (with Brady) or the Colts, or the Chargers come a-calling on the schedule. Don't mock my football sensibilities by telling me that I'm supposed to be juiced for a so-called "rivalry game" with a team that's beaten us all of once in the last 16 tries, and not since 2003, to boot. The Browns are an impediment to gridiron supremacy for the Steelers in the same way that the French are an impediment to military supremacy for anyone.

The Browns are just another game on the schedule. If the Browns lose, they'll be more than 0-2--they'll be psychologically destroyed, dead in the water, et al. If the Steelers lose, they'll be 1-1 and people might finally say that the Browns are at least going to present some semblance of a challenge this year.

DJMJ doesn't need to make fun of my team's QB either, I'll do it myself. Ben Roethlisberger is a pansy (a talented one, but still a pansy) who loves to talk about minor injuries and non-existent injuries like they're serious problems in need of amputation, so that when he comes out and plays (at 99% health) and torches other teams, he looks like the ultimate tough-guy gamer. He's not. He's just an excellent QB (probably the best one in the league playing a game in Week 2) that happens to have a hard-on for "playing through pain". Please. Cleveland's QB has an infinitely cooler nickname (as coined by KSK): Horse Balls. Shame of it is, Horse Balls isn't one third the passer that Big Ben is, and neither is his backup, Liberace (though some would describe him as "fabulous").

Other than that little nitpicky problem with Big Ben, what do I have to be angry or concerned about? The Steelers manhandled a Texans team that has a better secondary than the JV unit that the Browns throw out there. And to suggest that the Browns can put pressure on Roethlisberger when Tony Romo stood FLAT-FOOTED in Week 1 and just waited to see someone come open is ludicrous. The Cowboys O-Line had just as many question marks surrounding it as the Steelers did going into Week 1, and they held up just fine against Shaun Rogers and Co. (the Company, in this case, is Enron)

If you think this game will be any closer than a 3 TD blowout, you're pretty nuts. It'll be over by halftime, it won't be close, and it won't be pretty. 38-10, Steelers. Ho. Hum.

By the way, here's a few numbers besides 38 and 10 to chew on. 5-0, 15/16, 2003, 0-2. If you don't know what those mean, you're just smart enough to be the Browns head coach (except the last one, of course, which represents the Browns' record against the Steelers last year, which kept them out of the playoffs--WOO).

Oh, and by the way, I'll be there firsthand to witness the carnage. It's good to be the king.

Here's a picture totally unrelated to either team, just for fun.

RE: Steelers quarterback job

I had no idea, but apparently the Steelers make people formally apply for positions on the team. A friend of mine forwarded me this, a copy of Ben Roethlisberger's application from 2004.


Pittsburgh Steelers

"Our Art was better than Cleveland's Art"

Official Quarterback Application Form

Job Information

Name:

Ben Roehtlisbreger

Address:

Just call me Mr. Ben


Phone:

What about it

Previous football experience:

I throwed good for Miami Florida only it was in Ohio
Before that I throwed good at Findlay

References:

I don't understand



Educational Information

School/University:

That's not educational

Major:

Major what

Extracurricular activities:

I don't understand

Other comments:

You said this part would be educational but I didn't learn anything



Personal Information

Favorite music:

Fall out Boy, Kid Rock, Nickleback
Creed rocks gosh darn hard

Favorite movies:

Transfromers, Rob Schneider
Shrek because people say I look like him

Favorite TV shows:

I don't like funny shows so I watch Seinfeld

If I wasn't playing football I would be:

Pooping

My personal hero is:

Bomberman

One thing I like about myself is:

I took the training wheels off my bike last week

One thing I don't like about myself is:

The way I smell after playing football

Thing I like most about Pittsburgh:

People here are as smart as me

Raiders of the Lost Fark

Good afternoon, class.


I'm your professor, Dr. Henry Walden Jones VI. This is Athletic Anthropology 201, and our first chapter deals with the massacre in Cleveland on September 14, 2008.

Before we delve into the precious artifacts recently discovered from this catastrophic event, I'd like to give you some background. On Sept. 14, the football team then known as the Cleveland Browns played its rival, a team called the Pittsburgh Steelers. The original Browns team had been moved from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996 by a man named Art Modell, whom Ohioan cultures consider the embodiment of the devil. But in the year 1999, the National Football League granted Cleveland a new team, and the city retained the Browns' uniform and nickname.

From the 1999 season to Sept. 14, 2008, however, the Steelers dominated every facet of the rivalry. They went 16-3 during that time, and with the exception of a 20-point Browns victory in 2003 - which Pope Bob Saget II has since declared a miracle - there was extreme anger and frustration building up inside the Browns and their fans.

By the 2008 season, the Browns had a good amount of talent on their roster, and while the Steelers were talented as well, all the anger and frustration was unleashed on that fateful Sunday night.

The voracious beatdown claimed the life of every single Steeler on the field, and the tornadic storm resulted in the deaths of several hundred fans, too, before engulfing the stadium and burying it far beneath the Earth's surface. After the game, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell indefinitely suspended play, and the league never recovered.

What's of interest to this class, however, and thus of interest to you, are the discoveries of Steelers artifacts by the Northern Ohio expedition last summer.


This is a cinammon donut, a common delicacy during the 21st century, and as you can see, a bite has been taken. Otherwise unremarkable, it has been determined through DNA samples that the donut belonged to defensive tackle Casey Hampton, and he was actually keeping it in his shoulder pads so he could nibble on it between plays.


This was known as a "promise ring" and it belong to Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who kept it in his pocket. It was given to him by then-boyfriend DeShawn Stevenson, though historians don't believe the relationship would have lasted since Smith is terrible at keeping his word.


This adult diaper was worn by receiver Hines Ward, whom historians believe wet himself repeatedly during games, judging by his facial expressions after every catch.


The rock band Nickelback was popular during the early 21st century for no apparent reason. This copy of the successful album "All the Right Reasons" belonged to quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who stuffed his pants with it.


Fans of the Steelers waved this artifact, known as a "terrible towel", at the game. After exhaustive research, archaeologists concluded there is nothing terrible about the towel, so the named was changed to "douchebag dishrag."


For the game, the Steelers replaced their offensive line with blocks of swiss cheese after deciding they would produce the same results, but the cheese would cost less. Plus, it smelled better than center Justin Hartwig.


These sunglasses, known as "aviators", were worn by Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Even Browns fans acknowledged he totally rocked them.


This collection of candy hearts belonged to Steelers receiver Limas Sweed, whose soft play earned him the nickname "Sweedie Pie."


Diggers actually uncovered the corpse of DeShea Townsend, who played cornerback for the Steelers. Historians questioned his actual existence, because Steelers fans claimed he disappeared during many games.


Because of his intimidating demeanor, Steelers players called linebacker James Harrison "Silverback", and Anthony Smith gave him these bananas as a joke. It wasn't a joke to Harrison, however, who castrated Smith on the spot.


Punter Daniel Sepulveda suffered a knee injury before the 2008 season, and he wasn't even playing in the game on Sept. 14. But that didn't stop Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers from running him down on the sideline and ripping him limb from limb. Archaeologists were only able to recover his head.


These scrungies belonged to safety Troy Polamalu, who defied the team's hard-nosed reputation with his supremely girly hair.


Finally, this crude stick no doubt belonged to a Steelers fan at the game. Paleontologists cite Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as the biggest collection of neanderthals in Earth's history.



That's all for today. For the next class, I want you to read pages 8-45 of "Derek Bell's Extortion Extravaganza" and listen to the audio file "HERE WE GO, STILL-ERS, HERE WE GO" for our chapter on mongoloids.

Dismissed.

Bra-vo!

Aloha, loyal readers. Since I moved out to Los Angeles, I've had a few celebrity sightings. I saw actress Mila Kunis from the DJMJ-acclaimed series That '70s Show at an Ikea in Burbank, and last weekend I actually sang karaoke for Dennis Haskins, who played Mr. Belding on Saved By the Bell.

I passed another group of famous people on the street today, and since I don't feel like writing anything tonight, I figured I'd give them a chance to say hello.


It's the cast of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy. Here's Thom Filicia, the group's interior design expert. Take it away, Thom!

THAAAAINKS, DJMJ!

Why hello there everyone! How are you doing todaaaay? Thuper! Well, for those of you who don't know, we're the "Fab Five" and we give makeovers to straaaight men who don't have our sense of style! We really enjoy your blog, but we thought it would be a MAJOR boo-boo if we let you keep that PLAIN black background.

Wake up! Your blog is SOOO funny, but it doesn't pop like it should! Theriouthly, it feels like we're looking at Diane Keaton's suit at the 2004 Oscaaars. EWWWWW!!

We are SO happy we ran into DJMJ on the street today. We have the perfect accentuations for your blog!

Let's start with THIS little number, which Carson actually picked up the other day:






OMG!! What an ADORABLE addition! But it gets better. Here's another piece I found myself:






Isn't that gorgeous! But it's nothing compared to THESE adorable little gents:






Here are a couple more FABULOUS items:






Ted found those in Pittsburgh while he was at a McDonald's. That's where most Steelers fans work, ya know.

Finally, here's a comfy little contribution for you and your BFF:






And just so you can see each other:






Finished!

With these accentuations, your blog now has our touch! Ooooh we are sooo happy! Thank you to DJMJ for having us on tonight, and if you don't like the pieces we've provided, don't fret! We'll come back and take them away.


Guaranteed!

The ABCs: Week 1

Let's turn back the clocks. A year ago, Dallas was coming to Cleveland to open the season, and I said that we were going to get destroyed, but it wouldn't necessarily be a good indicator of how the season would go.

At the time, I was talking about basketball. I was at the Q on opening night, when the Cavs raised the Eastern Conference Championship banner and then got razed by the Mavericks. Things gradually came together, however, and by the end of the year, we were the only team that really challenged the Celtics during their title run.

I thought the Browns had more of a shot to beat Dallas Sunday afternoon, a theory the Cowboys quickly disproved. Still, people are already forecasting damnation for Cleveland, so for the first time this season, let me spell it out for you.

All day is how long Tony Romo had to throw. He just dropped back and picked apart our secondary.

Hey, he's dropping back again.

Braylon Edwards wasn't right. He looked a step slow, and he dropped a couple of balls. That said, he's clearly out of sync after missing the last couple weeks of preseason. I'm not overly concerned.

Cliff Lee won his 21st game for the Tribe on Sunday. Can we just suit up 22 Cliff Lees next weekend against the Steelers?

Dogging it was not a problem for Shaun Rogers. He had a reputation for being lazy in Detroit, but he played with fire. It's not his fault the Cowboys have an adamantium o-line.

Eric Wright is going to be a lockdown NFL corner. Of Romo's 24 completions, only a couple of them were against Wright, and he undercut T.O. for an endzone interception. Brandon McDonald, on the other hand, can't cover a bed with a blanket. Ty Law, anyone?

Oh look, Tony Romo is still looking for an open man.

Frankly, I didn't really understand Rob Chudzinski's playcalling. We ran draw plays on a couple of second-and-longs, and we tried to convert a third-and-short by having Derek Anderson chuck a jump ball to Edwards on the sideline. Chud didn't throw downfield enough, either. Is that Brian Billick in disguise?

God almighty, Anderson really can't hit anything but deep routs, can he? On a big third-and-1 early in the game, Edwards cut inside of Pacman Jones, and his reward was a high fastball that was almost uncatchable. Anderson's really good at dropping long bombs on a dime, which meshes well with our explosive receiving corps, but he can't throw short or intermediate routs. And we just happen to have a backup quarterback who excels at short and intermediate routs. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.

Hahahaha was my reaction to some of the signs at Cleveland Browns Stadium. "T.O. has B.O." particularly tickled my fancy.

Injuries are burning us right now. Without Josh Cribbs, the return game wasn't threatening. Without Ryan Tucker, the right side of our offensive line was weaker. Without Joe Jurevicius and Donte Stallworth, our offense wasn't as potent. Without Brodney Pool, the secondary had to deal with the Cowboys and Mike Adams' suckitry. We need to get healthy, or we aren't winning seven games.

Still haven't found anyone yet, eh, Tony?

Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found, and I was disappointed. Not because she's pretty, but because Tony Romo plays like shit when she's around.

Kudos to Jamal Lewis. He wasn't all that effective, but he's clearly in great shape. With a new three-year contract, he'd better be.

LeBron was at the game, which was cool to see. He rooted for the Cowboys as a kid, but I guess he chose to leave the opposing team's hat at home this time.

Many thanks to FOX 11 Los Angeles, which inexplicably broadcast this game over games involving the Chargers, Cardinals and 49ers. Even though we got womped, I still had to see it. Goth kids cut their wrists, I watch the Browns.

No way all the Browns make it out of the stadium alive if they play like that next weekend. If they do, hell, I might fly to Cleveland myself and introduce Brandon McDonald's head to a baseball bat.

Ooooooh shit, Joe Buck said Lost was his favorite show while promoting the new FOX series Fringe. Joshua Jackson must be pissed.

Everything OK, Tony? Need any more time?

Penalties started to pile up for the Browns after a flawless first quarter. Dallas made tons of mistakes, too, like T.O.'s touchdown celebration and Frogger Jones' pass interference, but when your opponent is overmatched, it doesn't matter. We can't move forward if we slice off a toe after every step.

Quick, name the last time an NFL broadcast didn't have some sort of trivia question. Sunday's opener didn't, and I can't remember the last time I watched a game without one.

Romeo Crennel had that same blank expression on his face we saw during his first 33 games with the Browns. I'm still not sure if he's a good coach.

Solid season premiere of Entourage Sunday night. It felt different, but that's a good thing, because the show can't survive if it doesn't reinvent itself every year. It seems like they're going flesh out the idea of Eric becoming less Vince's best friend and more high-powered agent. Vince is galvanized, Drama's ego is growing, Turtle is still mooching and Ari hasn't lost his machine-gun mouth. HBO is clearly sinking more money into the show, too. This doesn't have anything to do with the Browns, but who gives a fuck?

This does. Our receiving corps is frighteningly thin. With Jurevicius and Stallworth hurt, and with Edwards dusting off the cobwebs, we didn't intimidate the Cowboys' secondary. Which is a shame, because our full complement would've run circles around Anthony Henry, Ken Hamlin, Horse-Collar Williams and Space Invaders Jones.

Ugly. From late in the second quarter to late in the third, the Cowboys were raping us in every conceivable fashion. And laughing about it. Just plain ugly.

Very, very good is how I describe the Cowboys. Dallas has as good a shot as anyone to win the Super Bowl this year.

Glad to see you're still comfortable back there, Tony.

Wow, that joke is getting old.

X is a letter found in the names Rex Hadnot and Alex Hall. They're the only two Browns with that distinction. What a gay fact.

You've got to be shitting me with that defensive performance. The Cowboys rolled up and down the field, and all we could do was yap like John Mark Karr in a Church confessional. I maintain my belief, however, that we're one corner away from having a good unit.

Zebras had nothing to do with the outcome of this game. Blaming the referees is the pussiest cop out known to man. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time finding different words to fill the Z spot this season.


Next up: the Pittsburgh Steelers. We've lost to those black-and-yellow bastards nine times in a row, and it's time to snap that streak. I sure hope it's better than the Dallas game, and if it isn't, I hope Pittsburgh doesn't run up the score.


Relax, Big Snack, it's a metaphor. You don't have to run anywhere.

Red Hot Conservative Action

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania

The braintrust of the GOP has gathered at a local bingo hall to discuss events in the wake of their semi-disastrous convention, hoping to pick up the pieces and make a run at Barack Obama. Present are newly minted vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, her entire family, plus her daughter’s baby daddy, as well as John and Cindy McCain and a host of advisors and campaign managers.



John McCain: Alright everyone, calm down, calm down. The convention was not that bad, we know that. Let the liberal media mock us all they want—the truth of the matter is that we’ve still got middle America on our side, and they’re not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus, we’ve got lots of female voters taking a second look at us because of Sarah (winks creepily at her from across the room). What I wanted to do today was sit down with all of you and discuss how to gain some momentum and really go after the liberals down the stretch.



Sarah Palin: John’s right people, we just need to gain a little momentum (raises her eyebrows suggestively at Cindy McCain). I’m sure you all have ideas on how we can do this, and I’d love to hear them, but first let me say that I think we can all agree that the hallmark of a good campaign the rest of the way is a return to the conservative ideas we all hold so dear (shoots icy stare of death at daughter and baby daddy).

[The rustle of a playbook, no more than 5 pages in length, is heard in a dark corner of the vast room]



Dave Wannstedt: Did I hear someone say conservative?

JM: Who the fuck are you?

DW: I’m Dave Wannstedt, the best damn recruiter in college football history!

SP: Great, now will you please leave? What we’re talking about here is serious business.

DW: Serious? Let me tell you something sugar tits, the only serious business we should be discussing in this room is how to attack that stout Buffalo defense this Saturday. I know they’ve been a doormat for years, but I think we need to be very cautious with our gameplan for this one. We’ve got to dot all the I’s and cross the T’s.

[The sound of several ringing cellphones, at once everywhere and nowhere, starts emanating from another corner of the room.]

JM: Ah fuck, now what?



Scott Boras (with Pedro Alvarez): Ah yes, dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s; one of my favorite things to do, especially when the paper has lots of zeroes and dollar signs and my name on it. Isn’t that right, Pedro? [Pulls puppet strings]

PA: Yes. Mister. Boras. Sir.

SB: Now, Dave, just be sure you don’t put the finishing touches on that game plan after the first second has ticked off the clock, or else it is rendered null and void and useless, and your players will not be bound by its rules.

DW: What are you talking about?

[Boras pulls strings furiously]

PA: He. Is. Talking. About. My. Non. Contract. With. The. Baseball. Team. Of. Pittsburgh.

DW: Oh, you mean the Pittsburgh Pirates, right? With Honus Wagner, the greatest shortstop playing the game today!

SP: Gentlemen, can you please take your discussions elsewhere? We’ve got some strategies to devise, and frankly you’re all just talking nonsense to me.

DW: Listen here cuntswab, we’re going to sit here and talk until we damn well please, and there’s not a fucking thing you’re going to do about it, got it? In any event, here’s my advice, which guarantees that you’ll hang in there with Obama only to lose in the end. Just do lots of little things that start you off well, then don’t adjust when he adjusts, and you should be perfect!

SB: Uh, Dave, just wanted to let you know, Honus Wagner has been dead for awhile and hasn’t played in about a century. He’s a little bit of an old reference.

DW: Really? I talk to his buddies every night—they give me play-calling advice and everything. This one guy, his name’s uh, Mr. Walter Camp, he said to ignore anyone that told me anything about a forward pass, said it’s just a fad. I didn’t even know what he was talking about.

SB: Anyway Dave, I just wanted to give my two cents here, because I seem to find myself in the general area anytime the words “plan” or “contract” are ever uttered. Pedro and I will be going now. Say good-bye, Pedro.

[Boras tugs all the strings at once]

PA: Good. Bye. Every. Body. It. Was. So. Nice. To. Meet. All. Of. You.

JM: Nice guy, that Pedro—such a dynamic speaker!

DW: Anyway, you’re all going to help me devise this week’s game plan. It’s going to be a long process, but I think we can get through it and come up with a doozy. I figured I’d script the first 15 plays of the game and go from there. Here’s what I’ve got.

[Hands Palin piece of paper]

SP: Uh, these are all dive plays for the fullback.

DW: Well what the fuck did you think they were going to be, hot lips? This isn’t your weekly bridge game, it’s goddamn non-conference college football between two unranked teams. You’d better get your fucking game face on!

SP: Uh, sure. [Rolls eyes, hands back paper, walks away]

[Sound of wind and rain fills the room]

JM: Christ Jesus WHAT NOW?



Tropical Storm Hanna: Why you all up in my BIZnis old man? Whachu got against me? Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?

DW: Why the fuck do you sound like Rosie Perez?

TSH: Oh no you di-uhnt!

SP: Why me, God?

TSH: Listentowhatimtawkingtoyouabout! I am going to dump LOTS of water on you dis Saturday…so be ready, ohKAY?

[TSH leaves, everyone looks around]

DW: Perfect! Now, with the field guaranteed to be a sloppy mess, I can finally get all of my running backs at least 30 carries each—and all of them can be inside the tackles! I don’t need you shitrags anymore, my gameplan is DONE. Time to get ready to go to war!

JM: Did someone say WAR??

SP: Sigh.

Hop on board the General Lee

I haven't written many Tribe posts lately, because (a) I was traveling across the country as detailed in the post below, and (b) the Indians were so hot I didn't want to gum up the works.

But after being swept by the Mariners and their obnoxious Japanese leadoff hitter who still can't speak English and hates Cleveland, the 10-game win streak was over and the Tribe came back down to Earth. Still, I was very happy with the effort these guys continued to show even in the face of a lost season. Veteran leaders like Jhonny Peralta and DJMJ man crush Grady Sizemore anchored the lineup, and young talents like Ben Francisco and Franklin Gutierrez began to emerge.

There's one guy, though, who emerged during the first week of the season and hasn't faded back into the pack. He's Cliff Lee, who stymied the division-leading White Sox Monday night and became Cleveland's first 20-game winner since Gaylord Perry in 1974. Lee allowed just five hits in pitching a complete-game shutout, and he ended the game by forcing AL home run leader Carlos Quentin into a double play.

Amidst a year of injuries and underachieving, the General Cliff Lee has been rock solid, rebounding from his turbulent 2007 season and returning to the form he showed in going 18-5 three years ago. Lee started the All-Star Game, and he's a favorite to win the Cy Young Award.

In other words, Cliff Lee is one of the greatest things in the history of the world. Let's see how he stacks up.

The Invasion of Normandy

The two-month period during the summer of 1944 that saw 425,000 brave young soldiers lose their lives was also the first major step taken by the Allied Forces toward ending World War II. They halted the spread of one of history's most evil ideologies, and then came back to a country that (frankly) rejected them, but still helped build the industries we know today. In no way did these men and women fight for their own benefit. They fought because it was simply the right thing to do. To quote Tom Brokaw, "It is, I believe, the greatest generation any society has ever produced."

VERDICT: The Invasion of Normandy, because Cliff Lee never killed any Nazis

The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences

Disillusioned by his own beliefs and disgusted by Christianity's growing commercialism, Martin Luther famously posted his complaints about the Roman Catholic Church in Wittenberg, Germany, and infamously overhauled religion in the early 16th century. Some view him as a sinner and an atheist. Many others, however, view him as an inspired realist and the most significant reason why Americans and Europeans enjoy the religious freedoms they do today.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, because he's the central figure of several religions himself

The Declaration of Independence

Thomas Jefferson wrote this statement of American freedom on behalf of Congress, and it was ratified on July 4, 1776. On that same day, Britain's King George III made a single, iconic entry in his diary: "Nothing important happened today." Facing a young country whose ideology would soon change the course of humanity, helmed by a group of men whose vision now stands rightfully beside the most brilliant and benevolent the world has ever seen, what other reaction could any human being have?

VERDICT: The Declaration of Independence, by a lot

Adam Goldberg's guest spot on Entourage

On a show renowned for its guest stars, Adam Goldberg's turn as the privileged, neurotic, cocaine-addicted Nicky Rubenstein is a hundred cuts above the rest. The son of a major Hollywood producer, Rubenstein comes into a huge trust fund on his 35th birthday and decides to become a producer himself, financing Vince and Eric's Pablo Escobar movie. Goldberg's quick-witted, hilarious take on the character is worth $10 million itself.

VERDICT: Goldberg, because Cliff Lee isn't funny

The Battle of Thermopylae

Approximately 2,300 Spartans, Thespians, Thebans and Helots suffered defeat but stood their ground and helped stop the advancing Persian Empire in one of history's most notable examples of bravery. Cliff Lee has stood his ground this season without much help from the offense, and although he hasn't faced any Persians, I seriously doubt they could catch up to his fastballs.

VERDICT: The Battle of Thermopylae, by a severed nose

The Emancipation Proclamation

The primogenitor of racial equality under the United States government, Abraham Lincoln's bold orders freed slaves in the Confederacy and marked the first real attempt to incorporate African-Americans into the fabric of society. Now if only Major League Baseball would follow its lead.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, an equal-opportunity ass-kicker

Greek Logic

The study of valid inference is as important as any scientific research, and our society would do well to teach it in schools like we teach biology, geology, etc. The Greeks were the foremost proponents of modern logic, from Plato's philosophical examinations to Aristotle's syllogism to the modality and conditionality of the Stoics. That said, there's no logical way to categorize Cliff Lee's dominance this season.

VERDICT: Logic, by a good amount

Charles Barkley

He wrote a book called "I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It." He dropped this gem after the Dream Team's game against Angola: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back, even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in awhile." His zings on TNT's NBA coverage are priceless. Outspoken, hilarious, self-deprecating and knowledgeable, nobody does it better than Barkley.

VERDICT: Barkley, although I'm anxiously awaiting Cliff Lee's studio debut

Galileo Galilei

From the phases of Venus to the four biggest moons of Jupiter (including LeBron's 2010 destination), Galileo made tons of important discoveries using his telescope, and also championed Copernicanism, or the idea of a heliocentric solar system, more than any other scientist. His contributions to the scientific revolution are immeasurable, and grab your telescopes, kids, because 2009 has been officially declared the International Year of Astronomy.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, who provides pitcherocentric baseball games

Carrie Underwood

This platinum blonde Oklahoma beauty has the country music chops to match, even if she did come from American Idol. Thank you eternally, Stephen and Carolyn Underwood. No more words are necessary.

VERDICT: Underwood, seriously, just look at her