Sunday, April 5, 2009

Would You Rather: A Creative Differences Test Post

Normally, when trying out a new type of post, a blog would look to its comments to see whether or not people liked the feature. Since it's hard to divide by zero, I'll just decide whether I like this after it's posted.

Would You Rather is a dual DJMJ/FLS conception, asking the age-old questions and then attempting to answer them. For instance, "Would you rather be eaten by a shark, or burned alive," which happens to be today's installment, and so forth. They won't always deal with the macabre, and at times, they'll even be happy ones that deal with winning the lottery and subsequently purchasing an entire country. Giving today's opinion, it's FLS.

Without further ado, I present to you, "Would You Rather?"

There's something viscerally scary about getting eaten by a shark, I won't argue that. Perhaps this feeling is something promulgated by overly effective filmmakers and their legitimately frightening movies (I'm looking at YOU, Spielberg). I can't think of too many sensations worse than the one you'd have if you knew a hungry shark was bearing down on you. I'd pee my pants, for sure, and brace myself for a very interesting talk with God, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever it is up there. Seeing several rows of teeth, any two of which could cause a fatal wound by themselves, is a sobering reminder that, yes Virginia, you're gonna die.

More than just the actual fear of imminent death, which I've felt before when I had a midterm or something due, is the look of the monster that's about to murder you in a grotesque fashion. The shark does not care what you think, its eyes are the same blank black, the shark simply thinks you are a seal, until it bites into you and realizes that you taste awful, and likely spits you out, leaving grievous injuries that, if you don’t bleed out first, will attract other sharks to the area, and they will messily devour your body. The shark does not care, it will simply move on. Kind of like Andre Smith at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

All that said, all those awful images conjured up, getting eaten by a shark is a fucking picnic compared to being burned alive.

At least with a shark you have a fighting chance. A shark is a living creature. If you’re extraordinarily lucky, you can gouge a shark’s eye (Great White, of course, no other shark has ever attacked a person, ever) and make it turn fin and run. Your chances are about as good as the chances of you winning the lottery tomorrow, but you’ve got a shot, much like Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber. Fire? Fire is an inanimate object, Buster. Fire has no eyes to gouge, no teeth to offer quick and momentarily painless death, and no enemies except water (not likely that you’ll have any if you’re trapped and burning alive) and a complete lack of oxygen—wouldn’t you know it, that’ll kill you too!

Fire ends your life in a hideous, unimaginably painful fashion. Sure, people that have been burned and survived say that once the nerve endings are burned, you don’t feel a thing. Guess what, that doesn’t happen right away. You’ll be in for several minutes of pain during which you’ll be begging for a shotgun or some ricin. Better yet, if you should somehow survive, you’ll look like an extra from a zombie movie, and that’s if you’re lucky. Being burned alive sucks. Further still, say you get eaten by a shark—even if you die, you can get a few good shots in. It’s always been a personal fantasy of mine to punch a great white to death. Do you have any idea how long that would take? It would be awesome. Anyway, you get to take a few shots at the offending creature to make yourself feel better as you leap off this mortal coil. Maybe St. Peter (or Satan, who is very easily impressed) will have some encouraging words for you as you shuffle into the afterlife. Fire? You can punch fire all you want. It doesn’t have a body. It isn’t living. If you punch fire, you burn your hand. Fire blows.

Conclusion: I’d rather be eaten by a shark than burned alive ANY day.

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