I hate you, Chris Berman

Happy first day of the NFL season, folks! It's 8:30ish out on the West coast but I'm still up to watch the first bit of NFL coverage on ESPN. Oh, hey! It's Chris Berman! That reminds me!

I HATE YOU, CHRIS BERMAN. You're a fucking bigot, and there's no way around it. Your head is so far up the NFL's ass you're probably licking Roger Goodell's shit residue as we speak. When players fight in the NFL, you just brush it off and say it's a physical game. When players fight in hockey and baseball, they're just governing themselves. But when NBA players fight, they're gangbanging thugs who don't deserve our respect or attention. You're a piece of fucking work Berman, you know that? Everything about the NFL is awesome to you. Everyone in the NFL is awesome to you. Wake up asshole! Michael Vick went to jail for two years and aided in the murder of hundreds of dogs. Pacman Jones is a deplorable piece of shit who lives at strip clubs and treats the people around him like garbage. Chris Henry has been arrested more times than O.J. Simpson. Travis Henry has fathered so many children he might be your dad. FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE JUST AS FLAWED AS OTHER ATHLETES. But it's OK because you have a million catch phrases that stupid people enjoy! And you give nicknames to players! And you've been with ESPN for all 30 years of its existence! Free pass! NOT FROM ME, JACKASS. YOU ARE THE FOREMOST PROPAGATOR OF THE NFL'S HEGEMONIC BULLSHIT. I HOPE I NEVER FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NFL, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I'M A NARROW-MINDED RACIST FUCKWAD WHO'LL PROBABLY DIE IN FIVE YEARS BECAUSE I WEIGH MORE THAN ANDRE SMITH. If I want to watch an amorphous blob pontificating about pro football, I'll wait for Peter King on NBC, thank you very much. I hate you, Chris Berman. Go fuck yourself with Tank Johnson's handgun.