Your Definitive NCAA Tournament Preview

I promised it, and whether or not it gets to 10,000 words is irrelevant. If you want coverage of the NCAA tournament that is far too in-depth, this is the place. Why don’t we just dive right in and break this son of a bitch down, eh?

Midwest Region:

Favorite: Louisville

Impediments to their evil reign of terror: Wake Forest, West Virginia, Michigan State

Fun to Watch, to be sure: North Dakota State

Oh-ver-RAY-ted: Kansas

Let’s take a peek at each team, mm?

1. Louisville (28-5) Champion of the Big East, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all Kentucky (excepting Western Kentucky, whom they lost to)

Why you should bet the grocery money on them: Great athleticism from top to bottom, a solid if unspectacular big in Samardo Samuels, the match-up problem that is Earl Clark, and most of all, snubbed “should be” Big East POY, Terence Williams, a man of many talents, the least of which is knitting. If they’re hitting threes, they can beat anyone in the nation, and their defense is rock solid, to boot.

Why you’ll be pouring your heart out to a homeless bum about them: If they’re not making threes, they’re very vulnerable. Edgar Sosa, their point guard, is streaky at best, and downright not good at worst. He’s the type of player that can singlehandedly kill a good team. Kind of like number one on this list.

2. Michigan State (26-6) Regular Season Big Ten Champion, loser of a game to Penn State.

Why they might get you laid: Big Ten POY Kalin Lucas is no joke, never mind the fact that Penn State’s Talor Battle deserved the award, a great passing big man in Goran Suton, and athleticism bursting at the rest of the positions on the floor.

Why you’ll end up with blue balls, like you always do: Terrible matchup for them in the form of either Kansas or West Virginia in the Sweet 16. Can’t score nearly well enough to compete with the other top seeds in the bracket, and just don’t have the talent overall to win this thing. Oh, and UNC beat them by like 100 points earlier this year, so I have to put that in the negative column.

3. Kansas (25-7) Lost to BAYLOR in the Big 12 Tournament. BAYLOR.

Why you might have a bounce in your step because of them: Sherron Collins is a beast of a player and deserves a ton of credit for leading a very young team that had to replace all five starters from last year’s national champ. Cole Aldrich is a solid big man, and they’ve got the Morris twins inside, who might or might be distant relatives of Old Tom Morris.

Why you’ll be singing show tunes in a stranger’s shower, drunk and nude: They’re too young and they lost to Baylor when they still had some sort of seeding on the line. Not championship behavior. Too inconsistent to be a real big threat.

4. Wake Forest (24-6) ACC, don’t like to pay their bills on time.

Why they can cover your mortgage: Beat UNC, beat Duke, have a TON of talent all over the team, and most importantly, their best player, Jeff Teague, is a guard, and we all know how ridiculously important good guard play is in the NCAA Tourney. A legit Final Four Dark Horse.

Why you’ll be in therapy: Spate of bad losses, including Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami (by 27!) and NC State. Precisely none of those teams are in the Big Dance. This does not bode well for them, at least in the early rounds.

5. Utah (24-9) Mountain West Champion, young, dumb and full of cum.

Why you’ll want to be their baby daddy: They’ve got a deceptively good team hidden out there in Utah, and they’ve got a legitimate big time player in Aussie big man Luke Nevill. That alone is reason to think they might be able to make a little bit of noise in this thing.

Why you’ll want to mainline anti-freeze into your system: Sorry, but they couldn’t have gotten a worse first-round draw. They have Arizona, a team no one thinks should be in, and therefore, a team with a chip on its shoulder. Bad news for the Utes.

6. West Virginia (23-11) Big East Noisemaker, drinkers of moonshine.

Why you’ll want to move to Morgantown (yeah right): Tons of talent, and lots of athleticism and length on the team, great on the offensive glass. When they’re hitting shots in general, they are the quality of a 2 seed. Occasionally play a 1-3-1 zone that can really cause problems (see Panthers, Pittsburgh). Great blend of fearless young players and savvy veterans.

Why you’ll be forced to kiss your sister: If they’re not hitting shots, they’re just not very good. Sounds simple, but there’s probably no team in the tourney that this statement applies more to. They can be bothered by teams with a strong inside presence.

7. Boston College (22-11) Conqueror of UNC and Duke, loser to Harvard

Why you’ll be creaming your pants in delight: They’ve got a big-time player in guard Tyrese Rice, even if he shoots the ball way too fucking much (scientific term). As said two lines up, they beat UNC, in the Dean Dome, and they took care of Duke. As will be repeated ad nauseum for the rest of this piece, if you have good guard play, you have a shot.

Why they’ll give you hemorrhoids: Rice, for all his prolific scoring, takes approximately 12.5 billion shots per game, so if he isn’t hitting, they’re not winning. Also, they lost to Harvard after beating the Tar Heels. I prefer my teams have a little more focus than a group of pre-schoolers.

8. Ohio State (22-10) Definition of a team I could care less about

Why you might be giving noogies to all your friends: They’ve got plenty of talent, which has become the norm in the Thad Matta era, including guys like Evan Turner and Jon Diebler, who can really fill it up. I’ve also heard that Diebler makes a delicious quiche.

Why you’ll be begging to end the suffering: B.J. Mullens, a guy who, from what I’ve seen, falls into the annoying category of “potentially good as a pro,” is a shitty college player who thinks he’s good. He’s so good he’s averaging 9 and 4.5 this year, even though he’s 7 feet tall and 275 pounds. He also doesn’t lack for confidence, but he should, because he’s a shithead.

9. Siena (26-7) Return of the MAAC

Why you’ll be squealing like a schoolgirl on prom night: Legit star in the person of Kenny Hasbrouck. They’re a hard-nosed team that put up at least a fight against Pitt earlier this year, and lest we forget, last year they took Vanderbilt behind the woodshed and went all “Deliverance” on them. And that was as the 13 seed.

Why you’ll be cleaning carpets for the rest of your life: They ought to get by Ohio State in the first round, but then there’s the tiny problem of Louisville. I’d love to pick Siena in that game, but let’s be honest, probably ain’t happenin.

10. USC (21-12) Champions of the Pac-10

Why you’ll be accepting improper benefits: Stud freshman DeMar DeRozan is a catalyst for these guys, and they’ve got a vastly underrated big man in Taj Gibson, who nearly averages a double-double. Daniel Hackett and Dwight Lewis also provide legitimate scoring punch.

Why you’ll be giving handjobs for crack: Outside of the traditional, eminently hate-worthy blueblood programs, is there a more unlikeable team than USC? Tim Floyd has no control over the program, shadiness abounds at every turn, and they’re the subject of pretty much every Outside the Lines that deals with college hoops. Oh, and Daniel Hackett is kind of a bitch.

11. Dayton (26-7) Atlantic 10 Flameouts

Why you’ll be dancing in a spring meadow: They’re the definition of a solid middle-quality conference team. They’ve got a very good inside presence in Chris Wright, and they defend all over the court. What’s more, they’re experienced and won’t be intimidated by anyone.

Why you’ll be laying face-down in a gutter in Calcutta: They have an awful first-round match-up with West Virginia, and they can’t score to save their lives. Only two guys average in double figures, and that just isn’t anywhere near enough.

12. Arizona: (19-13) Totally don’t deserve to be here

Why you’ll be eating sweet rhubarb pie all day long: The Wildcats possess easily the nation’s best albino scorer in Chase Budinger, and also get solid inside work from Jordan Hill and decent point guard play from Nic Wise, even if Wise has an uber-shitty 1.6/1 assist-to-turnover ratio. Plus, they’ve been hearing about how they don’t belong in the tournament, so maybe they’ll be out to prove something.

Why you’ll be skipping stones on a pond because your best girl just dumped you: Then again, it is Arizona, and part of the reason they were only 19 and 13 is because they don’t give two shits half the time. Could very well happen in the tourney.

13. Cleveland State (25-10) Horizon League Champion

Why you’ll actually want to move to Cleveland: Two of the coolest names in college hoops play for the Vikings: J’Nathan Bullock and Norris Cole. It helps that these two are their leading scorers, and are solid, smart players. The Vikings also had to win their way in against Butler, so they’re used to playing for high stakes. Plus, Cedric Jackson gave us this memory.

Why you’ll be found dead in Cleveland: They’re a “good” team, but they’re playing a “very good to great” team in the form of Wake Forest. They could spring the upset, but I don’t see it happening.

14. North Dakota State (26-6) Summit League Champion

Why you’ll be eating steak and drinking dark beer: Ben Woodside, the best player you’ve heard about and still never seen, is quite a scorer. He dropped 60 in a losing effort against Stephen F. Austin earlier this year, and, having said that, I can’t count them out against Kansas.

Why it’s back to boiled leather and shoelaces for you: If Woodside doesn’t hit for at least 25 in the first round, they are done. To be fair, if he doesn’t hit for 35, they’re probably done as well.

15. Robert Morris (24-10) Northeast Conference Champion

Why you’ll have a school named after you: They’ve got the conference player of the year in Jeremy (don’t call me Dave) Chappell, and they’ve also got the conference defensive player of the year in Bateko Francisco.

Why you can’t always get what you want: They won those awards in the Northeast Conference. If you saw them play their conference title game, well, I hope your eyes are feeling better.

16. Morehead State (20-15) Ohio Valley Conference Champion

Why you’ll finally have a 16 going over a 1: They’ve got big man Kenneth Faried, who averages a double-double and is, by all accounts, a bad man. They also have some other players that are, you know, good, like leading scorer Leon Buchanan.

Why you can go home now, show’s over: They have more turnovers than assists this year. They’re playing Louisville, a team that thrives on turnovers and blew them out once already this year. I’m not a math major, but this is not a good combination.

Midwest Region Picks:

First Round: Louisville, Siena, Arizona, Wake Forest, West Virginia, Kansas, Boston College, Michigan State

Second Round: Louisville, Wake Forest, West Virginia, Michigan State

Third Round: Wake Forest, West Virginia

Regional Champ: Wake Forest

Most Outstanding Player: Jeff Teague, Wake Forest


West Region

Favorites: UConn, Memphis

Potential spike strips: Missouri, but that’s a stretch

Fun to watch, at least: Probably Missouri there too


1. Connecticut (27-4) Big East Flunky

Why you’ll get a hummer from a supermodel: Even without leading scorer Jerome Dyson, the Huskies still have Hasheem Thabeet to utterly alter the game inside, unless of course the game is played against DeJuan Blair, in which case he’s helpless, and clutch shooter A.J. Price. Their region is also pathetically easy, so it’s hard to imagine them not playing in the Elite 8.

Why you’ll be hiding from a wooden spoon beating at the hands of your mother: Without Dyson, UConn loses a dimension and a lot of what made them “special”. It’s very difficult to imagine them getting by Memphis, and therefore making a
significant run, with their current squad.

2. Memphis (31-3) Conference USA Titan

Why they’re’ the best thing since sliced bread: Since Tyreke Evans took over the point guard slot early in the year, Memphis has been on a tear to the tune of 25 straight wins. Granted, most of those teams were about as good as Little Sisters of the Poor, but it’s still a 25-game winning streak. They also have proven players in Robert Dozier, Shawn Taggart and Antonio Anderson and a damn good coach in John Calipari.

Why you’ll be forced to watch the Stupids with your eyelids taped open: If they play a team with a reasonable amount of athleticism that won’t be intimidated by them, i.e. any of the big name teams from the ACC or Big East, they’ll be in for a big
battle.

3. Missouri (28-6) Big 12 Enigma

Why you’ll escape from New York with Kurt Russell: They will press the unholy fuck out of you and make you like it. With Leo Lyons and DeMarre Carroll, they’ve got two solid scorers and big inside punch. And again, they will press the unholy hell out of you and win on sheer relentlessness.

Why you’ll be stuck on Cutthroat Island: I can’t really define it, but every time I’ve watched Missouri play this year, and I haven’t seen them play a whole game, but I haven’t been at all impressed with them. I know they play a tough style to contend with and that they’ve won big games against good teams this year, but I just can’t get on board with them.

4. Washington (25-8) Pac-10 Rainmaker

Why you’ll pop in your Nirvana CD and rock out: Brockman, Dentmon and Thomas. Not a law firm, but Washington’s three best players. And their fourth best player is Quincy Pondexter, an accountant. Freshman Isaiah Thomas hasn’t tried to kill himself and is a very good player. Jon Brockman is a beast on the boards, and really, they snuck in under the radar to be really good this year.

Why you’ll be drinking acid out of a hose: All that said, they aren’t a terribly impressive team, at least in this bracket. Plus, they run into a solid Purdue team if chalk holds into the second round, and that doesn’t bode too well for them.

5. Purdue (25-9) Big Ten Champion

Why you’ll be driving around in your new Bentley: They have arguably the most athletic and best white player in the country, in the separate persons of Chris Kramer and Robbie Hummel. Kramer, in fact, is my hero, because he is 6 foot 3 and throws down thunder dunks on a regular basis.

Why you’ll be taking the bus with no change to spare: If Hummel’s back acts up, or leading scorer E’Twaun Moore has an off night, it’s good night time for the Boilers. Oh, and the same thing applies if they have to play UConn, and they will.

6. Marquette (24-9) Big East Heartbreaker

Why you’ll be getting your ankles taped by a gorgeous Swedish girl: Even without point guard and catalyst Dominique James, who was lost for the season in one of the few injury stories that actually made me feel bad, they still have a lot of firepower coming from Jerel McNeal, Wesley Matthews and Lazar Hayward.

Why you’ll be crying like a baby in your math teacher’s arms: They would have been a 3 seed with James, and a dark horse Final Four team to boot, but now it looks like they’re going to be cannon fodder for Missouri in the second round. When your best inside player goes about 6 foot 5, that’s usually not a great sign.

7. California (22-10) Pac-10 Mystery team

Why you’ll be reliving “The Play” over and over again: Jerome Randle is a very good guard that can take over games. As has been said a million times already (and will continue to be said when I don’t know a ton about a team), good guard play is the key to making a deep run in the tournament.

Why you’ll be crying big fat tears into your Lucky Charms: They play Maryland in the first round. Maryland has a better guard than Jerome Randle. Oops. Maybe YOU should have gone to Venezuela to find players, Cal.

8. Brigham Young (25-7) Mountain West Conference Mormon Contingent

Why you’ll be enjoying those wives all night long: They’ve got a very good guard in Lee Cummard, and are just a well-drilled, solid all around team. They play good defense and can score in bunches on occasion. They’re the kind of consistent, tough team that’s usually good for a win in this big ol’ dance.

Why you’ll be raided by the government: They draw Texas A&M in round one, and if TAMU gets hot, well, watch the fuck out, you crazy Mormons.

9. Texas A&M (23-9) Big 12 Average Team

Why you’ll be puffin on blunts and sippin on Tanqueray: The Aggies have Josh Carter, who happens to be a tremendous shooter of the basketball, and have a second good scorer in Donald Sloan. What’s more, they typically play decent defense and have some half-decent wins this year.

Why you’ll be moaning about having to live in College Station: If Carter doesn’t score, they struggle mightily to win games. BYU is the kind of team that has the ability to make this happen. Bad news for dem Aggies. But hey, at least they don’t have to deal with Billy Gillespie!

10. Maryland (20-13) ACC Roller-coaster bunch

Why they’ll be singing from College Park Georgia to College Park Maryland: Greivis Vasquez is one of the best backcourt guys in the country, and authored perhaps the best individual performance of the year with his triple-double against North Carolina, in a game that probably got the Terps into the tournament.

Why you’ll be sweating like Gary Williams: Vasquez is also one of the nation’s most mentally unbalanced players, which is not the best attribute to have if your team relies on you to do pretty much everything. Of course, this means he could go completely nuts and carry them to the Elite 8, but I’m not counting on it.

11. Utah State (30-4) Western Athletic Conference Champion

Why you’ll be racing across the Bonneville Salt Flats: Hey, they have 30 wins, and even though I know nothing whatsoever about them, I’m going to assume that means they’re at least a passable team. Even though they’ve done nothing particularly impressive all season, I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Why you’ll be getting molested by Karl Malone: Utah State hasn’t beaten anyone. Anyone. If you think they’re going to win, even against a depleted Marquette team, you are wrong. I am sorry to burst your bubble.

12. Northern Iowa (23-10) Missouri Valley Conference Champion

Why you’ll be beating the blues while you beat your meat: They get balanced scoring from five players, and they crawled through the hellhole that is the MVC and came out okay on the other side. Plus, they beat Illinois State three times this year, and no one else can say that.

Why you’ll be sitting in a pile of your own vomit, confused and alone: They aren’t a great offensive team, because their balanced scoring doesn’t necessarily mean high scoring. They aren’t nearly as talented as some teams in recent memory from the MVC,
and they’re just underwhelming overall.

13. Mississippi State (23-12) SEC Champion

Why you’ll be living large like Bob: They’ve got the nation’s best shot-blocker in Jarvis Varnado, and they won the fucking SEC, dude. Plus, they’re a major conference team, and we all know that major conference teams are way way cooler than other teams.

Why you’ll be limp and lonely like Lon Chaney: They won the SEC. That isn’t saying much. They were a bad SEC team, which is like saying they were a fat fat person.

14. Cornell (21-9) Ivy League Champion

Why you’ll be celebrating in a sea of red: You won’t. They should have been a 16 seed.

Why you’ll be drowning in your own blood: They’re just not good at all. Missouri is going to hack them to bits.

15. Cal State-Northridge (17-13) Big West Champion

These guys don’t get a preview. I’m just posting this.

16. Chattanooga (18-16) Southern Conference Champion

Why you will be “Moc-ing” UConn (Get it???): They’ve got three solid scorers all averaging over 13 points per game, and they won the Southern Conference, which surprised me (and ESPN) because I thought that no one but Stephen Curry played in the SoCon.

Why you’ll be sitting at home, wasting away: None of that scoring prowess means diddly-shit against UConn, who will probably treat them much the same way a large tiger treats a human being wrapped in fresh gazelle carcass.

West Region Picks:

First Round: UConn, BYU, Purdue, Washington, Marquette, Missouri, Maryland, Memphis

Second Round: UConn, Purdue, Missouri, Memphis

Third Round: UConn, Memphis

Regional Champion: Memphis

Most Outstanding Player: Tyreke Evans, Memphis


East Region

Favorite: Pittsburgh

Precious little minefields: Villanova, Florida State

Sneaky Dark Horse Team: Oklahoma State

Grossly ill-equipped for this particular region: Duke

Fun to Watch: VCU

1. Pittsburgh (28-4) Big East Bad Motherfuckers

Why you’ll be wrestling co-eds in a kiddie pool filled with baby oil: The Panthers have arguably the toughest team, physically and mentally, in the country. They also have an elite point guard, a high-scoring wing player, and a dominant guy inside. They are senior dominated and have had extra rest time before the start of the tournament.

Why you’ll be tearing your hair out with a rusty nail file: If DeJuan Blair gets into foul trouble, the Panthers will struggle no matter who they are playing. Arguably the best team in the tournament, along with North Carolina, but their success hinges in large part on how the referees decide to call each game.

2. Duke (28-6) ACC Champion

Why you’ll be asserting your superiority over small forest creatures: The Blue Devils have something unfamiliar this year, that being some athleticism in the form of Gerald Henderson and Elliot Williams, not to mention Nolan Smith. If they shoot the three-pointer well, they’re one of the best four or five teams in the nation.

Why you’ll be eating lint for breakfast, lunch and dinner: They are incredibly vulnerable inside, and cannot defend teams that spread them out and drive. Problem is, there’s no fewer than two or three teams that fit that description in this bracket. Sorry, elitist pricks, this doesn’t look like your year, either.

3. Villanova (26-7) Big East Corn Producers

Why you’ll be giving your family the raspberries: The Wildcats are benefitting from a ridiculously good geographical draw, getting to play their first two games of the tourney in their home arena, and not having to travel far, assuming they make the regionals. They also have great guard play and more than serviceable guys inside.

Why you’ll be painting fences in the brutal heat all summer: If point guard Scottie Reynolds doesn’t score, they have to look at other sources of offense, and if one of them isn’t up to par, they’re in big trouble.

4. Xavier (25-7) Atlantic 10 Non-tournament Winner

Why you’ll be basking in your Catholic faith: Xavier is very well-coached, can score in bunches, and has some very good inside/outside play. Also, they have a stud player in B.J. Raymond. They also have Derrick Brown, who does more than passable work inside.

Why you’ll be going to confession, you dirty whore: They have NO point guard. They cannot take care of the basketball one bit, and they underperformed big time in the A-10 Tournament. Bad signs all around.

5. Florida State (25-9) ACC Scary Team

Why you’ll forget all about that academic cheating scandal: They have arguably the best guard in the tournament in Toney Douglas. I won’t repeat the maxim about guard play, I know you’re sick of it. They also are very tall on the frontline, and athletic all throughout the roster. They play tough defense and will be close in virtually any game.

Why you’ll run screaming from a horde of angry mutants: If Douglas doesn’t score, they don’t have any other real viable options. He needs to get about 25 per game for them to have a good chance, otherwise they need to turn the game into a big slogfest, and that doesn’t figure to be as easy in the NCAA’s against, say, Pitt, as it is against, oh, Virginia.

6. UCLA (25-8) Pac-10 Blah

Why you’ll be celebrating another Final Four: They’ve got dynamic guards in Darren Collison and J’rue Holliday, and you know that they’ll play defense because they’re a Ben Howland-coached team. They’ve got experience and won’t be fazed by pressure.

Why you’ll be in a holding cell, with no pants and less dignity: They got the opposite of what Villanova got, geographically speaking. They have to travel across the country to play VCU, a team with a better guard than either of their two. They also just plain aren’t as good as they have been in the previous few years.

7. Texas (22-11) Big 12 Bunch of wildly inconsistent dudes

Why you’ll be doing body shots off of Megan Fox: If A.J. Abrams is hitting threes and Damion James is playing his usual all-around game, they can beat any team in the country. With Connor Atchley and Gary Johnson, along with Justin Mason, there are good, experienced role players familiar with tournament pressure.

Why you’ll be doing body shots off of Rosie O’Donnell: Pretty simple—if Abrams plays poorly, they’ll struggle against any team in the field. Luckily for the Longhorns, he’s usually quite good, but if not, it’s going to be a first round exit.

8. Oklahoma State (22-11) Big 12 Mystery

Why you’ll be eating grass-fed filet mignon with T. Boone Pickens: Okie State spreads the floor and shoots threes. They have a good point guard in Byron Eaton, and a damn good scorer in the person of James Anderson. If they get hot, they could make a deep run.

Why you’ll be eating dog food with Lenny Dykstra: I love these simple teams. If they aren’t hitting threes, they have no chance whatsoever.

9. Tennessee (21-12) SEC Kinda good, but we’re not sure

Why you’ll want to wear orange all day and all night: When Tennessee is playing its frenetic style and the team is “on”, they are good enough to make it 3 or 4 rounds in. Wayne Chism and Tyler Smith present oodles of problems for any team unfortunate enough to have to guard them.

Why you’ll be forced into a bathtub naked with Bruce Pearl: Tennessee happens to be a wildly inconsistent team prone to multiple runs of bad and good play within one half. If they run into a steady team (read: Pitt) at any point, they’ll likely fall apart.

10. Minnesota (22-10) Big Ten Sorta okay if they’re playing at home

Why you’ll eat a delicious bass every morning for a year: 11 guys on their team get at least 10 minutes a game and put up at least four points per game. That’s as strangely impressive as it is hard to get a read on. Oh, and they have Blake Hoffarber, who did this in high school.

Why you’ll end up burning in an eternal hellfire: Not having an alpha-dog on your team is not a good recipe for success come tournament time. Plus, maybe they wouldn’t have to use so many guys if like 7 or 8 good ones emerged.

11. Virginia Commonwealth (24-9) Colonial Athletic Conference Champion

Why you’ll be feeling really smart after that A on your spelling test: They have, along with FSU’s Toney Douglas, perhaps the best guard in the tournament in noted Duke-killer Eric Maynor. He should be able to outplay Darren Collison and lead the Rams to victory. Oh, and they have Larry Sanders, who has REALLY long arms.

Why you’ll wish you never bought that Spin Doctors CD: Maynor won’t have an off-game, but if he did, hoo boy would we all look like morons. Good thing that won’t happen, right? Right? Hello?

12. Wisconsin (19-12) Big Ten Sucky Bunch

Why you’ll be eating cheese and loving life: You know what, I can’t really think of a good reason. I’d be the first to say that I can’t figure out how the fuck these assholes got into the tournament. Sorry Wisconsin, you get the CS-Northridge treatment.

Why you’ll be face down in a pool of motor oil, your hair burned off and your bowels removed: They’re just not that good. There isn’t a whole lot to say about this team that’s even remotely positive. One thing I know I’m not looking forward to hearing is the announce team fall all over themselves talking about Joe Krabbenhoft. Okay, we get it, he’s an everyman looking white guy and he’s not awful. Please let this be over now.

13. Portland State (23-9) Big Sky Champion

Why you’ll be smelling roses and kissing babies: First of all, they had to beat Montana State to get here. I’ll let you recover for several minutes before I continue. Finished? Okay, well, they have a diminutive guard named Jeremiah Dominguez that could become the darling of this year’s tournament. With a weak first round favorite like Xavier in front of him, the world is his to conquer.

Why you’ll be getting pinched repeatedly by midgets: Portland State is an average conference champion from a lower tier conference. Unless Dominguez wreaks havoc with whomever tries to handle the ball for Xavier, there will be no upset here.

14. American (24-7) Patriot League Champion

You know what, I don’t know the slightest thing about American University’s basketball team, and I don’t suspect that you care. So, can we all just agree that it would be beyond fucking badass if they ran out to “Real American?” I think the presence of Hulk Hogan in the gym couldn’t hurt either. It can’t cost that much money to get that orange goblin out of his house, can it? I doubt it. Anyway, they’re playing a true road game at Villanova, so they’re going to get anally violated by the Wildcats.

15. Binghamton (23-8) America East Conference Champion

Why you’ll be sitting on top of a mountain, smoking cigars and getting fanned by Peruvian glamour models: Binghamton has a good scorer in D.J. Rivera, who averages 20 points a game. It’s unlikely that they can scare Duke the way Belmont did last year, but the chance does exist, I suppose.

Why you’ll be wandering around in a stupor, a lampshade over your head: They are still a 15-seed, and being the subject of an OTL report about this guy can’t help the team’s focus.

16. East Tennessee State (23-10) Atlantic Sun Conference Champion

Why you’ll be playing in the sandbox, enjoying the halcyon days of your youth: I’m nervous enough about them to give them a chance against Pitt, mainly because Pitt is my team and I always assume that they’re going to suffer some ignominious loss far too early in the tournament.

Why you’ll be washing dishes in the back of a whorehouse: If Pitt shows up and DeJuan Blair plays at least 15 minutes of the first half, ETSU won’t stay within 25 points of them.

East Region Picks:

First Round: Pittsburgh, Oklahoma State, Florida State, Xavier, VCU, Villanova, Minnesota, Duke

Second Round: Pittsburgh, Florida State, Villanova, Duke

Third Round: Pittsburgh, Villanova

Regional Champion: Pittsburgh

Most Outstanding Player: Sam Young, Pittsburgh


South Region

Favorite: North Caroina

Roy Williams’ early exit courtesy of: Syracuse, Oklahoma

Fun to Watch: Hate to say it, but no one

Oh. Furr. Ray. Tit: Illinois


1. North Carolina (28-4) ACC Not champions

Why you’ll be playing a harmonica in a ray of golden sunshine: If Ty Lawson is healthy, they trot out this year’s ACC POY, last year’s National POY, sweet-shooting Wayne Ellington, and solid “other guys” in Deon Thompson, Danny Green, Bobby Frasor and Tyler Zeller. There aren’t any other teams that can hurt you in as many ways. Most people think they’ll win it all, and it isn’t hard to see why.

Why you’ll be de-feathering chickens on a farm in Boise for the rest of your days: If Lawson isn’t 100 percent, they’ve got a gaping hole in their lineup at the most important position. Hansbrough can be had by several big men, including Blake Griffin, DeJuan Blair, and a host of others. If Ellington isn’t shooting it well, they’re also vulnerable. Oh, and one other thing. They fucking refuse to play defense. Yeah, that can be problematic at times.

2. Oklahoma (27-5) Big 12 Not champions

Why you’ll be eating all the barbecue you can stuff down your gullet: Because, when healthy, Blake Griffin is an impressive force of nature, matched only perhaps by DeJuan Blair and Hasheem Thabeet. Freshman Willie Warren can light it up from outside, and gives the Sooners a much-needed second scoring option.

Why you’ll be living in a van, down by the river: This team has no depth to speak of, and if Griffin or Warren gets into any kind of foul trouble, they aren’t good, plain and simple. They’ve also stumbled to the finish line, which would make them seem ripe for a second round defeat.

3. Syracuse (26-9) Big East Peoples Champion

Why you’ll be moving to Aruba with your boss’ trophy wife: Jonny Flynn is one tough SOB at the point, and can be expected to shoulder a large chunk of the burden of getting the Orange to the promised land. Arinze Onuaku is a horse down low, and Eric Devendorf provides a much-needed white trash presence, not to mention decent shooting, to this team.

Why it’s another helping of gruel for you: The Orange aren’t very functionally deep, with a rotation of really only 6. Flynn and Devendorf have to be huge, and Onuaku and fellow big Rick Jackson must stay out of foul trouble. That’s a lot of variables to throw at any team.

4. Gonzaga (26-5) West Coast Conference Champion

Why you’ll be the talk of the PTA: The Zags have some very solid talent, from point guard Jeremy Pargo to do-everything forward Matt Bouldin to post presence Josh Heytvelt. They’re well-coached, battle-tested, and they have enough parts to make a deep run.

Why you’ll be cleaning toilets with your own toothbrush: What they don’t have is a legitimate star that can take over games. Oh, they think they have one in Austin Daye, but he’s softer than premium toilet paper. He makes Adam Morrison look like a warrior. I don’t want Gonzaga to win simply because I hate this lazy shit’s excuse for “game”.

5. Illinois (24-9) Big Ten Also-ran

Why you’ll be the happiest guy in Topeka: I really can’t think of a good reason. If there’s a tailor-made 12/5 upset game, it’s this one. So I guess that’s what the Illini have in their favor, the element of “no one believes in us” even though they’re the much higher seed. Seriously though, their point guard is hurt, they lost TWICE to Penn State, and they just appear to be fluttering aimlessly through the breeze.

Why you’ll be the saddest guy in Sheboygan: Everything I said above, plus the fact that they’re playing arguably the strongest 12 seed.

6. Arizona State (24-9) Pac-10 Sorta good

Why you’ll be cashing your lottery check: They’ve got one of the best two or three NBA prospects in college basketball in the person of sneaky, silky James Harden. That alone should be enough to carry them past a Temple team that has no business being in the tournament.

Why you’ll be the last man in the arena, head between your knees: If Harden isn’t going bonkers, no one else on the team will. The fact of the matter is, they’re not particularly outstanding outside of ol’ James. They play super slow, so that might help them keep it close, but they’re a 9 seed in 6 seed’s clothing.

7. Clemson (23-8) ACC Not champion

Why you’ll be crossing the border into Mexico for cheap, plentiful prescriptions: In the persons of K.C. Rivers, Terrence Oglesby and Trevor Booker, they’ve got a hell of a nucleus. They could very well beat Oklahoma, assuming they get out of the first round.

Why you’ll be in the tub when your jealous wife plugs in the toaster and drops it in: Clemson is precisely the type of team I’d pick against if they were going up against a relatively athletic, well-coached team like Michigan, that plays an unusual style and regularly frustrates opponents. And what do you know, they are!

8. LSU (26-7) Bastion of SEC stability

Why you’ll be eating gumbo until you pass out, happy: As they were a few years ago when they made a Final Four run, they’ve got a ton of athletes, and have guards that
can really score, including SEC POY Marcus Thornton and Tasmin Mitchell. Clearly the best team in the SEC this year, which isn’t saying a whole lot, but still.

Why you’ll be trying to pry your head free from an alligator’s jaws: Unfortunately for LSU, they have a tough, gritty Butler team in round one. Assuming they survive that, they get UNC, which is a mirror image of their team, except they’re a shitload better. Them’s the breaks, fellas!

9. Butler (26-5) Horizon League NOT Champion

Why you’ll be tinkling in Hinkle Fieldhouse: Butler has a lot of young guys this year, but they do have Matt Howard and Gordon Hayward leading the charge down low. Hayward in particular is a match-up problem, as he has a guard’s skills in a big man’s body. Shelvin Mack, like Hayward, a freshman, can create off the bounce and open things up for Butler’s three point shooters.

Why you’ll still be shamed over your premature ejaculation: Awful first round pairing for them. They could have been as high as a 6 seed, I think, but LSU has the athletes and the outstanding guard play to wear them down.

10. Michigan (20-13) Big Ten Last team in?

Why you’ll hate asshole Michigan grads even more: They have high level scorers in Manny Harris and DeShawn Sims, and thanks to John Beilein, they play a disorienting system that gives other teams fits. Beilein has a history of having teams make a run in the tourney, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see Michigan in the Sweet 16.

Why you’ll be relieved they’re gone: They’re not as talented or as physical as Oklahoma from top to bottom, and if Blake Griffin stays out of foul trouble, one would figure they won’t be able to stop him from having a monster game and bouncing them from the tourney.

11. Temple (22-11) A-10 Champion

Why you’ll be getting a call from Publisher’s Clearinghouse: Temple makes every day Christmas day (see what I did there, with the awful Chris Berman pun?) with star guard Dionte Christmas. As he goes, so go the Owls. Which reminds me, when you get above the ten seeds, for the most part, a team’s success comes down to one player. Just a thought. If Christmas goes nuts, the Owls beat ASU.

Why you’ll want to do nothing but cry yourself to sleep: News Flash! If Christmas doesn’t score a ton, Temple has absolutely no shot to win against virtually every other team in the tournament.

12. Western Kentucky (24-8) Sun Belt Conference Champion

Why you’ll be going to Sonic for popcorn chicken for days and days: Four players averaging double figures? Check. A win over Louisville earlier this season? Check. A leading scorer with a cool name (A.J. Slaughter)? Check. I’d say Western Kentucky has all they’ll need to beat Illinois.

Why you’ll be furious, and stab your boss in the knee with a fountain pen: Well, seeing as most of the civilized word is picking them to win, it’d be pretty disappointing if the Hilltoppers didn’t spring the upset. Ahh, the burden of great expectations on young men, still only having started to find their place in this confused, chaotic world.

13. Akron (23-12) Mid-American Conference Champion

Why you’ll have the sweet embrace of Elle MacPherson: I’ll be honest, I don’t know diddly shit about Akron. I don’t think they have an iceberg’s chance in hell against Gonzaga, even though I’m not so high on Gonzaga.

Why you’ll be castrated by a moose using a rusty spoon: See above.

14. Stephen F. Austin (24-7) Southland Conference Champion

Why you’ll wake up next to Gisele, with a chilled bottle of whipped cream at the ready: Because Syracuse played six overtimes not long ago and might be ripe for a letdown in the first round. And because their team’s nickname is the Lumberjacks, and that sounds mighty!

Why you’ll wake up next to the same hag you married: Syracuse is a much better team than Stephen F. Austin. Sometimes, it’s just that damn simple people.

15. Morgan State (23-11) MEAC Conference Champion

Why you’ll be drinking Cristal with all your homies and peeps: No good reason for these guys either. This is an extraordinarily weak bracket, if you haven’t already noticed. With the exception of Western Kentucky, this bitch should be chalk.

Why you’ll be laughed at in Vegas: They just aren’t good, their coach is fucking crazy, and they’re playing Blake Griffin in the first round. Bad set of circumstances.

16. Radford (21-11) Big South Conference Champion

Why you’ll be doing a guitar duet with B.B. King: You won’t be. They’ll be lucky to stay within 30.

Why you’ll be hit by a bus next time you try to cross the street: Because the names on their uniforms say “Radford” and the name on the other team’s uniforms is “North Carolina”.

South Region Picks:

First Round: North Carolina, LSU, Western Kentucky, Gonzaga, Arizona State,
Syracuse, Michigan, Oklahoma

Second Round: North Carolina, Gonzaga, Syracuse, Oklahoma

Third Round: North Carolina, Syracuse

Regional Champion: North Carolina

Most Outstanding Player: Danny Green, North Carolina


Final Four:

Wake Forest vs. Memphis

It’s pretty easy for me to pick this one, as Memphis’ withering pressure will get to Wake Forest and cause more turnovers than they’re used to having. Plus, Wake’s contingent of young guys might be more easily flustered by Memphis than by Louisville, as the Tigers will come at them with better athletes at almost every position.

Score: Memphis 74, Wake Forest 65

North Carolina vs. Pittsburgh

Tough game for me to pick, as I think these are the two best teams in the country and this will be the best game of the season. I can think of plenty of reasons to pick either squad to pull this out, but in the end, I think Pitt will be able to dictate tempo a little bit more than Carolina, and that will be the difference in a surprisingly high-scoring, but incredibly well-played game. One note: If DeJuan Blair gets into foul trouble, all bets are off.

Score: Pittsburgh 82, North Carolina 80


National Championship:

Memphis vs. Pittsburgh

I think Memphis is probably the third best team in the country as this tournament gets underway, but I don’t think they’re equipped to handle Pitt. Jermaine Dixon should be able to switch onto Tyreke Evans and hold him relatively in check, and the Panthers should have an advantage in the paint. The x-factor will be the Panthers’ bench, which has been good at providing a spark all year, and should lead the way to a narrow victory in an intense game.

Score: Pittsburgh 73, Memphis 70