God, power rankings are great. When I get up in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday, I know I'll have several outlets ready to provide me with knee-jerk, snap analysis and arbitrary rankings that have NO bearing on team success. We all know several people who don't give two shits about their team's record, but rather get quite huffy if their team isn't properly placed in the power rankings. So, in the interest of pissing more people off, Creative Differences is proud to present the first edition of the "Mighty Morphin Power Rankings."
1. Tennessee Titans (5-0): What is there to say about the Titans that isn't positive? Oh, the fact that they have no real offensive stars, no gamebreaking big play threats, and a recovering alcoholic at quarterback? With the defense they play, it's tough to find fault with them in spite of everything else.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): This seems about right, although I am not sold on them being the second best team in the league right now. It's more a reflection of where I think they could end up at the end of the season, provided their papier-mache quarterback can stay upright long enough to keep finding receivers. A lot depends on his offensive line, though, and that's a bad thing.
3. Washington Redskins (4-2): Too high, you say? Why are they higher than a 1-loss team that beat them earlier this year? Have you started to drink the crazy juice FLS? No, I just think that when the dust settles, a loss to a winless team in a classic letdown game is a lot more palatable than a loss to a 1-3 team on Monday Night Football, especially when one loss is last second, and the other is by 3 TD's.
4. New York Giants (4-1): Tough not to be a little concerned with the way they made Derek Anderson look like Johnny Unitas and abandoned the run so early against a truly ghastly Browns team. If you're the defending champs, Monday Night Football against an inept team is a time when you're supposed to handle your business. The Jints didn't.
5. Buffalo Bills (4-1): Yes, they're coming off a bye, and their last game wasn't pretty, but this team has shown that it does too many things well to be discounted, especially if Trent Edwards is healthy. Easily the class of what's shaping up to be a very iffy division, and a team that looks to be built for playoff football.
6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2): It's awfully tough for me to put them this high, but the teams that will come behind them I find to be far more fatally flawed than the 'Boys. If they can squeak by at 2-2 without Tony Romo, they'll be just dandy to end the season on a nice 5-1 tear and stroll into the playoffs, because I just don't see the rest of that division keeping up their current pace this whole year.
7. Arizona Cardinals (4-2): Can't believe I'm putting them this high, because I really don't think they're this good, and I think the rest of the season is going to bear that out. Still, they can score on anybody, and their division is awful, so that has to be worth something at this point in the game. If Warner is hurt though, they're going to come right back to the pack.
8. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-2): There are 4-2 teams that impress me, and then there are those that don't. For whatever reason, be it Jon Gruden's dislike for Jeff Garcia, a good quarterback, or something else altogether, I simply don't believe in them as a legit division winner or playoff contender. On paper, they seem to be the strongest team in the division, but we all know that the game isn't played on paper. It's played on grass. In stadiums. In front of people.
With a ball.
9. Carolina Panthers (4-2): Another team I have a hard time believing in or figuring out. I said when they were 2-0 that the return of Steve Smith would screw them up, and they've been a pedestrian 2-2 since. I'm not sure who wants to win the NFC South, but right now they're as good a choice as any to do so.
10. Indianapolis Colts (3-2): I'm really not sure if they belong this high or not, but if Pey-Pey is indeed healthy, you can bet they'll score points. The Texans gift-wrapped a game for them, else they'd be in serious trouble for the season, but it's hard to imagine them not ending up at 12-4 or 11-5 and getting in as a wild card. Still, if Manning gets hurt, they're done.
11. Denver Broncos (4-2): There is not another team in the NFL with a winning record that I'm less impressed with than the Broncos. If they had anything approaching a defense at all, I'd be inclined to say that they could stagger into the playoffs at 10-6, but I can't see Jay Cutler and friends scoring enough points to even boost them above .500 for the season. Certainly, they won't do enough to hold off the...
12. San Diego Chargers (3-3): The Chargers are an enigma, capable of blowing up anyone in the league one week, then laying a colossal egg the next. If LT gets healthy at some point, they obviously become more formidable, but whether or not that ever happens remains to be seen. Still, they look like the best in a mediocre division.
13. New York Jets (3-2): From here on, the rankings consist mostly of teams that don't excite me as possible troublemakers for the rest of the season. The Jets seem like the third best team in a division that only has one really good team, but I'm putting them above the Patriots because they're better at the quarterback position.
14. New England Patriots (3-2): Sorry Billy, but without lil' Tommy and some "advance scouting", you and your squad are nothing more than a middle of the road bunch. Nothing to see here, people, please keep moving.
15. New Orleans Saints (3-2): The run on "New" teams continues, with a group that I think will end up winning the NFC South teetering near the bottom half of the rankings. The Vikings loss was absolutely atrocious, and wins against the Raiders should only count for half at this point.
16. Atlanta Falcons (4-2): Nice story, really, but I'd like to see a few more wins against better competition before I hand Matty Ice the keys to my heart. Shame that the Georgia Dome crowd was so sparse for the pulsating finish against the Bears, but I guess ATLiens would rather get behind a convicted felon, than a guy that, you know, seems to have a knack for winning games.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): Still have to be kicking themselves for not taking care of business against the Steelers at home, especially when it seems that their playoff lives are very tenuous, at least at this early juncture. David Garrard doesn't look like the player he was last year, and the inability of the defense to pressure the opposing quarterback is hurting them.
18. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): Wildly inconsistent team that I was ready to anoint a contender after they beat up the Steelers, but now am not so sure about, even coming off a 14-point win on the road. If they can't stay healthy, they've got no chance, especially when it looks like 9-7 might be good for dead last within the division.
19-21. Please put the Packers, Vikings, and Bears and their 3-3 records in any order you prefer in order to fill these spots in the rankings, because I damn sure don't have a clue what separates them.
22. Cleveland Browns (2-3): Not sure if what we saw Monday night was a mirage, but if it wasn't, the Steelers might actually have some competition for the division crown after all. Still, I'm tempted to say that it was in fact a mirage, but that's just the pessimist in me.
23. Miami Dolphins (2-3): Nowhere else to put them, really, but they certainly look like a team capable of winning 7-8 games and not being a complete embarassment. What's more, since Parcells is running the show, they'll probably be good for 11 wins and a playoff spot next year. Hope springs eternal at the bottom of the rankings for you, Dolphins fans.
24. Baltimore Ravens (2-3): They simply can't score enough to be considered even an average team. It's a shame, because the D is just so good. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for Ray Lewis, until you realize that he's Ray Lewis.
25. Houston Texans (1-4): Should be 2-3, generally fight harder than most of the teams at the end of this list, so therefore, I'll put them above at least 1 team that has more than 1 win. Still, fighting hard doesn't exactly get you anywhere in today's NFL, now does it?
26. San Francisco 49ers (2-4): J.T. O'Sullivan is starting to look kinda ehh-ish, and that's not a good thing for a team that can use any kind of good news. Still, when Arizona is your division leader, you've always got a shot.
27. Seattle Seahawks (1-4): I'll say what everyone else says: Wasn't it just a few years ago that this team was in the Super Bowl? Just pathetic all the way around. Happy trails, Holmgren.
28. Oakland Raiders (1-4): I'd really like to put them lower, but doing things to spite Al Davis, especially when he'll never see this post, just seem a little bit unnecessary--kind of like the Lane Kiffin firing. Congratulations Raider fans, you're all stuck in hell!
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4): So awful. They didn't trade Tony Gonzalez, Larry Johnson is in more trouble with the law, and they just seem like they don't have anything whatsoever to look at with positive feelings. Ahh, the life of a doormat.
30. St. Louis Rams (1-4): ONLY because they have a win. Trust me though, I'm rooting for them to go 1-15 and lose every remaining game by 60 so Jim Haslett can never coach another team in any capacity ever again.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6): Tough call here--the Bengals stink, but they've been marginally competitive for a few games, so we can't completely trash them. However, the next team on this list can be completely trashed, and that's why they're in the basement.
32. Detroit Lions (0-5): Traded Roy Williams, their best player, for three draft picks. Can't wait to see which 3 wide receivers they decide to pick. Still, every day where Matt Millen isn't employed by the team is a good one.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Unnamed Tuesday Football Column, Week 6
Hi, I'm back, and I apologize for the Rick Roll post. Really, it was stupid, and I'll never do anything like it again...til I do something like it again.
Without further ado, let's recap Week 6, shall we?
Indianapolis just pooped on Baltimore, and that sound you heard after the final score went up was the national media hopping back on the Colts' bandwagon, whether such mass hysteria is warranted or not. I can't wait for another season of unbeatable Colts talk, followed by a disappointing playoff exit.
Minnesota topped Detroit, but this was the classic "no winners" game. Though, if you think about it, Detroit could lose every game the rest of the season and still be winners, because they've finally shed themselves of the continuous loss that was the Matt Millen era.
Oakland's coaching switch paid off in spades, as they were up 3-0 after the first quarter. Unfortunately, football games are played for 4 quarters, and the Saints put up 34 after that first quarter. But hey, it's the coach, not the owner, that's the problem. Right.
The Jets beat the Bengals, and rumors are swirling that the Bengals are looking to address a lack of depth at running back by pursuing O.J. Simpson. Pressed for comment, coach Marvin Lewis laughed loudly, chugged Jack Daniel's, and started to cry.
Matt "Matty Ice" Ryan and Kyle "Drunk in Public" Orton staged a memorable duel of last-second heroics that surely made problem drinkers everywhere proud. Ultimately, the alcohol content and fresh, hangover free feeling of Matty Ice won out over the alcoholic tendencies of Orton.
Tampa Bay thrashed Carolina, and the Panthers are starting to prove my theory that the return of Steve Smith would hurt them correct. Otherwise, I don't care one bit about this game. These are two teams that honestly don't interest me one bit--at least not until Tampa goes back to the orange unis.
St. Louis won a game, and Jim Haslett continued his trend of acting like a horse's ass to everyone he comes into contact with. Seriously Haslett, you're yelling at a guy when your team sucks and you're 0-4? Shut the fuck up. From now on, your name is Tom Cruise, because he's an asshole too.
Houston beat Miami, but HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? MIAMI RUNS THE WILDCAT! THEY CAN'T LOSE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! WHAT IS GOING ON? LOUD NOISES!
Jacksonville beat on Denver, another team I predicted would go 8-8. I am so smart sometimes that I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Denver has no defense, Jay Cutler's arm will never be as strong as John Elway's, and therefore, Denver has no chance. Jacksonville isn't that good though, trust me.
Philadelphia beat San Fran. Yawn.
Green Bay beat Seattle, and you can tell that ESPN wants Aaron Rodgers to be the next Brett Favre, as they described his play as "gritty", and so on and so forth. Sorry, unless Rodgers is playing with one leg, he's not "gritty" like Favre. And I despise Favre, so I must really mean this--right?
The Cowboys and Cardinals staged a game for the ages, and the Cowboys seem to be falling apart at the seams. Felix Jones is hurt, Terence Newman is hurt, Adam Jones is suspended, and Terrell Owens is being a whiny bitch. Tony Romo is hurt too, and is supposed to miss the next 4 games, but I wouldn't be surprised if he gets back quicker once he realizes he has to spend more time with Jessica Simpson.
San Diego crushed New England, and it's now becoming pretty clear that Bill Belichek is nothing without Tom Brady or illegal videotapes.
The Browns beat the Giants. DJMJ, I'm still not worried about the Browns.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
Without further ado, let's recap Week 6, shall we?
Indianapolis just pooped on Baltimore, and that sound you heard after the final score went up was the national media hopping back on the Colts' bandwagon, whether such mass hysteria is warranted or not. I can't wait for another season of unbeatable Colts talk, followed by a disappointing playoff exit.
Minnesota topped Detroit, but this was the classic "no winners" game. Though, if you think about it, Detroit could lose every game the rest of the season and still be winners, because they've finally shed themselves of the continuous loss that was the Matt Millen era.
Oakland's coaching switch paid off in spades, as they were up 3-0 after the first quarter. Unfortunately, football games are played for 4 quarters, and the Saints put up 34 after that first quarter. But hey, it's the coach, not the owner, that's the problem. Right.
The Jets beat the Bengals, and rumors are swirling that the Bengals are looking to address a lack of depth at running back by pursuing O.J. Simpson. Pressed for comment, coach Marvin Lewis laughed loudly, chugged Jack Daniel's, and started to cry.
Matt "Matty Ice" Ryan and Kyle "Drunk in Public" Orton staged a memorable duel of last-second heroics that surely made problem drinkers everywhere proud. Ultimately, the alcohol content and fresh, hangover free feeling of Matty Ice won out over the alcoholic tendencies of Orton.
Tampa Bay thrashed Carolina, and the Panthers are starting to prove my theory that the return of Steve Smith would hurt them correct. Otherwise, I don't care one bit about this game. These are two teams that honestly don't interest me one bit--at least not until Tampa goes back to the orange unis.
St. Louis won a game, and Jim Haslett continued his trend of acting like a horse's ass to everyone he comes into contact with. Seriously Haslett, you're yelling at a guy when your team sucks and you're 0-4? Shut the fuck up. From now on, your name is Tom Cruise, because he's an asshole too.
Houston beat Miami, but HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? MIAMI RUNS THE WILDCAT! THEY CAN'T LOSE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! WHAT IS GOING ON? LOUD NOISES!
Jacksonville beat on Denver, another team I predicted would go 8-8. I am so smart sometimes that I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Denver has no defense, Jay Cutler's arm will never be as strong as John Elway's, and therefore, Denver has no chance. Jacksonville isn't that good though, trust me.
Philadelphia beat San Fran. Yawn.
Green Bay beat Seattle, and you can tell that ESPN wants Aaron Rodgers to be the next Brett Favre, as they described his play as "gritty", and so on and so forth. Sorry, unless Rodgers is playing with one leg, he's not "gritty" like Favre. And I despise Favre, so I must really mean this--right?
The Cowboys and Cardinals staged a game for the ages, and the Cowboys seem to be falling apart at the seams. Felix Jones is hurt, Terence Newman is hurt, Adam Jones is suspended, and Terrell Owens is being a whiny bitch. Tony Romo is hurt too, and is supposed to miss the next 4 games, but I wouldn't be surprised if he gets back quicker once he realizes he has to spend more time with Jessica Simpson.
San Diego crushed New England, and it's now becoming pretty clear that Bill Belichek is nothing without Tom Brady or illegal videotapes.
The Browns beat the Giants. DJMJ, I'm still not worried about the Browns.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The ABCs: Week 6
If you're thrilled with how the Cleveland Browns played Monday night...
...gimme a HELL YEAH!
HELL YEAH
Let me spell this sumbitch out for you.
As much as I've called for Derek Anderson's head, he deserves a TON of credit for this win. We'll table the Brady Quinn discussion for the time being, because DA was as sharp as he's been in a Browns uniform. He was accurate on the shorter stuff, and his deep balls were money as usual. Keep it up, kid!
Braylon Edwards finally decided to show up, too. Between the touchdown catches, the precise routes, the ankle-snapping jukes and the temper-snapping drops, it was 2007 all over again, which is hella fine with me.
HOW'S IT TASTE MOTHERF*****
Credit the fans for turning Cleveland Browns Stadium into a nightmare for the road-savvy Giants. It reminded me a lot of the Penn State-Ohio State game in Happy Valley in 2005, when another team with a proud tradition was finally back in the national spotlight, and the fans unleashed years of pent-up energy at the game. GO BROWNS!
Donte Stallworth may have biffed on that diving attempt in the corner of the end zone, but his presence clearly helped Edwards free up on the other side. If he doesn't catch more balls, though, he'll stop getting so much attention.
Eric Wright's 94-yard interception return was as pumped as I've been for a single play since Josh Cribbs tightroped the Steelers in Pittsburgh last November. Oh by the way, even Eli Manning didn't throw at Eazy-E. Lockdown?
For Christ's sake, they're going to have to start inventing new penalties just so we can commit them.
Giants running backs were gashing us up the middle in the fourth quarter whenever we blitzed the safety. So naturally, we kept blitzing.
Heck of a job by Mel Tucker, though. We need to stop giving up big plays, but all those zany blitzes and formations make it really hard to gauge what we're doing. And this is all happening without Sean Jones on the field.
It's the sixth week of the season, and I still have no idea why Willie McGinest is getting Alex Hall's playing time.
Heeey, what happened to that nice old man wearing No. 55?
Just remember, we did all this without Jones, Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Kevin Shaffer in the lineup. Call the injuries an excuse if you want. I call it a legitimate reason we haven't been our real selves this year.
K2 missing games is never a good thing, but Steve Heiden and Darnell Dinkins more than filled the void at tight end. When Martin Rucker gets healthy and gets some experience, we're going to be the deepest team in the league at that position by far.
Let's forget how revolting our offense looked during the first four games. We scored a total of 46 points over that stretch, and we scored 35 tonight.
My main Mormon Steve Young was the only member of Monday Countdown who picked us to win -- and Young made that pick despite having the best record of the eight analysts. He was also the quarterback of the 49ers during our last win on Monday Night Football. Good lookin' out, bro.
Nike scored again with its new Leave Nothing commercial, the one with LT and Pigtails Polamalu and the instrumental from Jay-Z's "Blueprint2." Hot shit.
Offensive line play is much better when most of your guys are healthy. Amazing how that works. Also amazing how weak the Giants' pass rush looked tonight.
Where are those damn Browns when you need 'em
Picking off the reigning Super Bowl MVP three times is going to do wonders for the secondary. While the defense has definitely improved, we still need to be opportunistic.
Quips about the Browns being "obscene" always find their way into broadcasts. Even tonight. Gotta love it.
Rob Chudzinski reached deep into his bag of tricks tonight and came out with some dandy plays. That double-reverse and the wildcat packages with Cribbs at quarterback were particularly appealing. Jaws asked "Where has this been all year?" during the broadcast. AMEN!
Shaun Rogers is looking less like a defensive tackle and more like Godzilla stomping Tokyo.
There goes that 11-game road winning streak, which was impressive....for me to poop on.
Usually, the Browns disappoint when the spotlight's on them. Not this time. I seriously doubt we're three touchdowns better than the Giants, but we were tonight, and then some. Payback's a bitch.
Visually, this was great exposure for the city of Cleveland. The Gateway area looked gorgeous at night, and between Cleveland Browns Stadium, the Jake and the Q, we have one of the nicest collections of venues in the country.
Washington looms on the road next weekend, so no rest for the weary. This was a big win, but our schedule is still loaded. If this team shows up the rest of the season, however, we'll be in every game.
X-factor on defense could be D'Qwell Jackson. He stood up Brandon Jacobs on a number of occasions tonight, and he's been our best linebacker.
You bet your ass this is my favorite win since beating the Steelers 33-13 at Heinz Field five years ago.
Zenith of the season is still to come, I can feel it. The new Browns are back.
Let's go scalp some 'Skins!
...gimme a HELL YEAH!
HELL YEAH
Let me spell this sumbitch out for you.
As much as I've called for Derek Anderson's head, he deserves a TON of credit for this win. We'll table the Brady Quinn discussion for the time being, because DA was as sharp as he's been in a Browns uniform. He was accurate on the shorter stuff, and his deep balls were money as usual. Keep it up, kid!
Braylon Edwards finally decided to show up, too. Between the touchdown catches, the precise routes, the ankle-snapping jukes and the temper-snapping drops, it was 2007 all over again, which is hella fine with me.
HOW'S IT TASTE MOTHERF*****Credit the fans for turning Cleveland Browns Stadium into a nightmare for the road-savvy Giants. It reminded me a lot of the Penn State-Ohio State game in Happy Valley in 2005, when another team with a proud tradition was finally back in the national spotlight, and the fans unleashed years of pent-up energy at the game. GO BROWNS!
Donte Stallworth may have biffed on that diving attempt in the corner of the end zone, but his presence clearly helped Edwards free up on the other side. If he doesn't catch more balls, though, he'll stop getting so much attention.
Eric Wright's 94-yard interception return was as pumped as I've been for a single play since Josh Cribbs tightroped the Steelers in Pittsburgh last November. Oh by the way, even Eli Manning didn't throw at Eazy-E. Lockdown?
For Christ's sake, they're going to have to start inventing new penalties just so we can commit them.
Giants running backs were gashing us up the middle in the fourth quarter whenever we blitzed the safety. So naturally, we kept blitzing.
Heck of a job by Mel Tucker, though. We need to stop giving up big plays, but all those zany blitzes and formations make it really hard to gauge what we're doing. And this is all happening without Sean Jones on the field.
It's the sixth week of the season, and I still have no idea why Willie McGinest is getting Alex Hall's playing time.
Heeey, what happened to that nice old man wearing No. 55?Just remember, we did all this without Jones, Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Kevin Shaffer in the lineup. Call the injuries an excuse if you want. I call it a legitimate reason we haven't been our real selves this year.
K2 missing games is never a good thing, but Steve Heiden and Darnell Dinkins more than filled the void at tight end. When Martin Rucker gets healthy and gets some experience, we're going to be the deepest team in the league at that position by far.
Let's forget how revolting our offense looked during the first four games. We scored a total of 46 points over that stretch, and we scored 35 tonight.
My main Mormon Steve Young was the only member of Monday Countdown who picked us to win -- and Young made that pick despite having the best record of the eight analysts. He was also the quarterback of the 49ers during our last win on Monday Night Football. Good lookin' out, bro.
Nike scored again with its new Leave Nothing commercial, the one with LT and Pigtails Polamalu and the instrumental from Jay-Z's "Blueprint2." Hot shit.
Offensive line play is much better when most of your guys are healthy. Amazing how that works. Also amazing how weak the Giants' pass rush looked tonight.
Where are those damn Browns when you need 'emPicking off the reigning Super Bowl MVP three times is going to do wonders for the secondary. While the defense has definitely improved, we still need to be opportunistic.
Quips about the Browns being "obscene" always find their way into broadcasts. Even tonight. Gotta love it.
Rob Chudzinski reached deep into his bag of tricks tonight and came out with some dandy plays. That double-reverse and the wildcat packages with Cribbs at quarterback were particularly appealing. Jaws asked "Where has this been all year?" during the broadcast. AMEN!
Shaun Rogers is looking less like a defensive tackle and more like Godzilla stomping Tokyo.
There goes that 11-game road winning streak, which was impressive....for me to poop on.
Usually, the Browns disappoint when the spotlight's on them. Not this time. I seriously doubt we're three touchdowns better than the Giants, but we were tonight, and then some. Payback's a bitch.
Visually, this was great exposure for the city of Cleveland. The Gateway area looked gorgeous at night, and between Cleveland Browns Stadium, the Jake and the Q, we have one of the nicest collections of venues in the country.
Washington looms on the road next weekend, so no rest for the weary. This was a big win, but our schedule is still loaded. If this team shows up the rest of the season, however, we'll be in every game.
X-factor on defense could be D'Qwell Jackson. He stood up Brandon Jacobs on a number of occasions tonight, and he's been our best linebacker.
You bet your ass this is my favorite win since beating the Steelers 33-13 at Heinz Field five years ago.
Zenith of the season is still to come, I can feel it. The new Browns are back.
Let's go scalp some 'Skins!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Comin' in a mess, going out in style
Back in the summer of 1997, Oasis was the biggest band in the world. They did it. They bloody did it. To quote Noel Gallagher, "The funny thing is, that fucking mouthing off three years ago about how we were gonna be the biggest band in the world, we actually went and done it." And it was time for Oasis to come up big after their canonical (What's the Story) Morning Glory? sold 23 million copies two years earlier.
So Noel and brother Liam pumped up the synths, lyrics and vocals for Be Here Now, which Q Magazine called the most anticipated album of the '90s in the United Kingdom. The first single "D'You Know What I Mean?" was eight minutes of N.W.A. drum loops, Zeppelin riffs and Dylan lyrics about "comin' in a mess, going out in style." It was a song about starting with nothing but then walking the walk, and the video was just as ambitious. Before the song even began, the camera spent 45 seconds panning around a nameless, worn-down industrial plant on a cloudy day, with Liam's Beatles haircut and sunglasses posing up front. He had the look of someone who was now the master of all he surveyed.
Yeah, that one
I'd bet good money that's exactly how I looked before the Browns kicked off this season.
And why not? We had the talent. It was just a matter of managing expectations (oops), staying healthy (double oops), getting consistency from our top players (triple oops), and having a quarterback lead the way (a googolplex oops).
Six weeks later, the bye week couldn't have come at a better time. What a rough start. Being a Browns fan right now must feel like the morning after one of the Gallaghers' hedonistic nights of alcohol, nicotine and cocaine back in the '90s. I mean, woof. It's not enough that the team sucks, either. The media has gone back to treating us like the NFL's illegal immigrants, and guess what? These guaps still have four nationally televised appearances this season, including three on Monday Night Football.
Those primetime games start this Monday as we entertain the defending Super Bowl champion Giants, who have looked unbeatable through four games and mercied our first-teamers in the preseason at Giants Stadium. The entire focus of the game has been on the Giants. During last week's Monday night broadcast, Tirico, Jaws and Kornheiser said two things about us and 10 things about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
You got it, B.E.
But who can blame them? We haven't given people much to talk about. Hell, I haven't posted about the Browns in two weeks because I haven't been able to find anything new to say about them. We suck, plain and simple. I've tried to explain why through four weeks of the alphabet, but it's the same regurgitated shit over and over again. So where do we go from here?
We go back to "D'You Know What I Mean?"
It's a song about coming in a mess and going out in style. If five Brits without a pot to piss in can do it, so can a team with seven Pro Bowlers and a ton of talent. I'm not worried about feeling any worse than I do right now. I don't think I can. If the Browns continue to play like this the rest of the year, then I'll just revert back to the way I feel most years, and that I can deal with.
On the flip side, we've had a couple weeks to regroup and figure out what the hell is going wrong. Our offensive line is almost back to 100 percent, and it looks like Donte Stallworth is finally going to play, so we can stop trotting out Syndric Steptoe and nullifying one half of the field in the process. Kellen Winslow is listed as doubtful for Monday night with a mysterious illness, but I have a sneaking suspicion he'll play. And the defense, which has quietly earned a top-10 ranking in the league, will have to look the part against Sheli, Plexiglass and company.
That's right, Shaun
Whether or not we manage to turn the season around, people will probably look at us 10 years down the road the same way people look at Be Here Now these days: not bad, but disappointing given the expectations. In any case, we haven't been on Monday Night Football since 2003, and haven't won on Monday Night Football since 1993, so I'm going to embrace our turn in the spotlight as long as it lasts.
It worked for Oasis, and hey, they're still breathing.
So Noel and brother Liam pumped up the synths, lyrics and vocals for Be Here Now, which Q Magazine called the most anticipated album of the '90s in the United Kingdom. The first single "D'You Know What I Mean?" was eight minutes of N.W.A. drum loops, Zeppelin riffs and Dylan lyrics about "comin' in a mess, going out in style." It was a song about starting with nothing but then walking the walk, and the video was just as ambitious. Before the song even began, the camera spent 45 seconds panning around a nameless, worn-down industrial plant on a cloudy day, with Liam's Beatles haircut and sunglasses posing up front. He had the look of someone who was now the master of all he surveyed.
Yeah, that oneI'd bet good money that's exactly how I looked before the Browns kicked off this season.
And why not? We had the talent. It was just a matter of managing expectations (oops), staying healthy (double oops), getting consistency from our top players (triple oops), and having a quarterback lead the way (a googolplex oops).
Six weeks later, the bye week couldn't have come at a better time. What a rough start. Being a Browns fan right now must feel like the morning after one of the Gallaghers' hedonistic nights of alcohol, nicotine and cocaine back in the '90s. I mean, woof. It's not enough that the team sucks, either. The media has gone back to treating us like the NFL's illegal immigrants, and guess what? These guaps still have four nationally televised appearances this season, including three on Monday Night Football.
Those primetime games start this Monday as we entertain the defending Super Bowl champion Giants, who have looked unbeatable through four games and mercied our first-teamers in the preseason at Giants Stadium. The entire focus of the game has been on the Giants. During last week's Monday night broadcast, Tirico, Jaws and Kornheiser said two things about us and 10 things about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
You got it, B.E.But who can blame them? We haven't given people much to talk about. Hell, I haven't posted about the Browns in two weeks because I haven't been able to find anything new to say about them. We suck, plain and simple. I've tried to explain why through four weeks of the alphabet, but it's the same regurgitated shit over and over again. So where do we go from here?
We go back to "D'You Know What I Mean?"
It's a song about coming in a mess and going out in style. If five Brits without a pot to piss in can do it, so can a team with seven Pro Bowlers and a ton of talent. I'm not worried about feeling any worse than I do right now. I don't think I can. If the Browns continue to play like this the rest of the year, then I'll just revert back to the way I feel most years, and that I can deal with.
On the flip side, we've had a couple weeks to regroup and figure out what the hell is going wrong. Our offensive line is almost back to 100 percent, and it looks like Donte Stallworth is finally going to play, so we can stop trotting out Syndric Steptoe and nullifying one half of the field in the process. Kellen Winslow is listed as doubtful for Monday night with a mysterious illness, but I have a sneaking suspicion he'll play. And the defense, which has quietly earned a top-10 ranking in the league, will have to look the part against Sheli, Plexiglass and company.
That's right, ShaunWhether or not we manage to turn the season around, people will probably look at us 10 years down the road the same way people look at Be Here Now these days: not bad, but disappointing given the expectations. In any case, we haven't been on Monday Night Football since 2003, and haven't won on Monday Night Football since 1993, so I'm going to embrace our turn in the spotlight as long as it lasts.
It worked for Oasis, and hey, they're still breathing.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
South Park is my homeboy
I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to stand and cheer when South Park made a point through its satire of politics, pop culture, race, religion, sex, ethics, even Chili Con parricide. I make it no secret that I write this blog the same way South Park co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone write the show: timely perspective mixed with whatever I feel like making fun of that night. And everything goes. South Park gives a voice to the educated and somewhat despondent. This blog partly gives a voice to...well, infantile Cleveland fans who aren't as funny as they think they are.
Anyway, South Park landed its latest jab in the season premiere Wednesday night, an episode called "The China Probrem" that's mostly about how George Lucas and Steven Spielberg raped (literally, raped) Indiana Jones in that vaginal discharge of a sequel last Memorial Day. There's some good old-fashioned Cartman bigotry involving P.F. Chang's, but the main focus is Lucas and Spielberg's continued destruction of all that us supernerds hold dear. This isn't the first time Parker and Stone have ripped on Lucas and Spielberg.
It's also not the first time I've called the shot with them.
One of the first posts I wrote for this blog (and one of my personal favorites) was a smash piece on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which called the movie out for, among other things, its laziness, wanton use of CGI and desperate mistreatment of the character. I shouted out South Park in a later post about Trekkies, and this episode proves that Parker and Stone read our blog and decided to shout us out back. I see no issues with that logic.
In any case, I'm with them 100 percent, and not because I'm hopping on South Park's bandwagon and trumpeting their ideals instead of mine. I've also been with them on Kyle's speech about how "real" imaginary characters actually are; how wrong The Passion of the Christ was; Michael Bay's "filmmaking" abilities; how hypocritical anti-smoking people are; the worthlessness of hippies; how boring baseball is; and how retarded the writers -- not the producers -- were during the 2008 WGA strike. South Park gives me constant reason to stand and cheer when their views reflect my own.
What exactly does that mean? Nothing, really. Nobody says South Park is right about this shit. All it means is what I said: South Park is my homeboy.
Ruin that, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.
Anyway, South Park landed its latest jab in the season premiere Wednesday night, an episode called "The China Probrem" that's mostly about how George Lucas and Steven Spielberg raped (literally, raped) Indiana Jones in that vaginal discharge of a sequel last Memorial Day. There's some good old-fashioned Cartman bigotry involving P.F. Chang's, but the main focus is Lucas and Spielberg's continued destruction of all that us supernerds hold dear. This isn't the first time Parker and Stone have ripped on Lucas and Spielberg.
It's also not the first time I've called the shot with them.
One of the first posts I wrote for this blog (and one of my personal favorites) was a smash piece on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which called the movie out for, among other things, its laziness, wanton use of CGI and desperate mistreatment of the character. I shouted out South Park in a later post about Trekkies, and this episode proves that Parker and Stone read our blog and decided to shout us out back. I see no issues with that logic.
In any case, I'm with them 100 percent, and not because I'm hopping on South Park's bandwagon and trumpeting their ideals instead of mine. I've also been with them on Kyle's speech about how "real" imaginary characters actually are; how wrong The Passion of the Christ was; Michael Bay's "filmmaking" abilities; how hypocritical anti-smoking people are; the worthlessness of hippies; how boring baseball is; and how retarded the writers -- not the producers -- were during the 2008 WGA strike. South Park gives me constant reason to stand and cheer when their views reflect my own.
What exactly does that mean? Nothing, really. Nobody says South Park is right about this shit. All it means is what I said: South Park is my homeboy.
Ruin that, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Hex-Men United
I've spouted my belief a hundred times over that the Cavs have a great chance to win the NBA title this year. If they do so, it will break a 44-year championship hex and rain champagne on sports' most sober city.
To do so, they'll have to be different from the 122 teams Cleveland has fielded since the Browns won the NFL championship in 1964. Different isn't always bad. Different can be good.
The time has come
For those who are different
To stand United
LeBron James is Wolverine
The vicious leader of the team who's capable of great things and is willing to work with a motley crew of individuals. The only difference: Wolverine wasn't actually born with an adamantium skeleton. Pussy.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas is Professor X
Shaved head? Check. Seniority? Check. An incapacitated body? For the most part, yes. Telepathic abilities? Unknown.
Sasha Pavlovic is Cyclops
He looks weird with two eyes. And he's not as important as he thinks he is.
Mo Williams is Nightcrawler
Our insanely fast point guard will start at the top of the key and POOF he'll be at the basket or POOF the ball will be in the corner for an open trey.
Daniel Gibson is Iceman
Watch him during the playoffs. Period.
Shirt wasn't blue before Boobie put it on
Ben Wallace is Colossus
Slow, plodding, and a quiet guy who's always in the background and lost his original family (Detroit). But that steel body helps.
Wally Szczerbiak is Banshee
The pasty-white guard/forward who causes nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness with his shooting, which in turn causes the fans to fire sonic screams in his direction.
Eric Snow is Beast
Older, wiser and more behind the scenes. If you were going to make movies about the Cavs, he wouldn't pop up until the third one.
J.J. Hickson is Archangel
All reports from summer league and training camp: Hickson can fly.
Anderson Varejao is Gambit
Andy charges the team with kinetic energy off the bench. He's got excellent agility and reflexes. And oh, that hair.
I guarawntee I'll destroy your Polly Pockets
Delonte West is the Multiple Man
When he unleashes his speed in the lane, it's like he's in six different places.
Darnell Jackson is Longshot
A more obscure member of the team who doesn't have great powers, so he relies on probability and a hardcore workout regimen.
Tarence Kinsey, Lorenzen Wright, Lance Allred, Michael Dickerson, Ronald Dupree, and Jawad Williams are the Xavier Institute Students
Recent additions who are being trained to join the team, although any of the last four could be cut altogether.
Mike Brown is Magneto
Sometimes the villain, sometimes an ally, his manipulation of defensive fields is undeniably powerful.
So stands the team of Hex-Men, ready to change the losing mentality and restore prosperity to Cleveland. It's a slow process, but what can I say?
Every few decades, evolution leaps forward.
To do so, they'll have to be different from the 122 teams Cleveland has fielded since the Browns won the NFL championship in 1964. Different isn't always bad. Different can be good.
The time has comeFor those who are different
To stand United
LeBron James is Wolverine
The vicious leader of the team who's capable of great things and is willing to work with a motley crew of individuals. The only difference: Wolverine wasn't actually born with an adamantium skeleton. Pussy.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas is Professor X
Shaved head? Check. Seniority? Check. An incapacitated body? For the most part, yes. Telepathic abilities? Unknown.
Sasha Pavlovic is Cyclops
He looks weird with two eyes. And he's not as important as he thinks he is.
Mo Williams is Nightcrawler
Our insanely fast point guard will start at the top of the key and POOF he'll be at the basket or POOF the ball will be in the corner for an open trey.
Daniel Gibson is Iceman
Watch him during the playoffs. Period.
Shirt wasn't blue before Boobie put it onBen Wallace is Colossus
Slow, plodding, and a quiet guy who's always in the background and lost his original family (Detroit). But that steel body helps.
Wally Szczerbiak is Banshee
The pasty-white guard/forward who causes nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness with his shooting, which in turn causes the fans to fire sonic screams in his direction.
Eric Snow is Beast
Older, wiser and more behind the scenes. If you were going to make movies about the Cavs, he wouldn't pop up until the third one.
J.J. Hickson is Archangel
All reports from summer league and training camp: Hickson can fly.
Anderson Varejao is Gambit
Andy charges the team with kinetic energy off the bench. He's got excellent agility and reflexes. And oh, that hair.
I guarawntee I'll destroy your Polly PocketsDelonte West is the Multiple Man
When he unleashes his speed in the lane, it's like he's in six different places.
Darnell Jackson is Longshot
A more obscure member of the team who doesn't have great powers, so he relies on probability and a hardcore workout regimen.
Tarence Kinsey, Lorenzen Wright, Lance Allred, Michael Dickerson, Ronald Dupree, and Jawad Williams are the Xavier Institute Students
Recent additions who are being trained to join the team, although any of the last four could be cut altogether.
Mike Brown is Magneto
Sometimes the villain, sometimes an ally, his manipulation of defensive fields is undeniably powerful.
So stands the team of Hex-Men, ready to change the losing mentality and restore prosperity to Cleveland. It's a slow process, but what can I say?
Every few decades, evolution leaps forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)