Carson Palmer is my BFF

Even though Carson Palmer plays for our division rival, it's hard not to like this guy. He's respectable, because he never bought into the shit-talking brand of Bengals. He's admirable, because he's been on the cusp of that Brady/Manning level for years. And he's sympathetic, because he was the victim of a vicious attack by Kimo von Oelhauffjdkjfwapoen three years ago in the playoffs.

An "accident".... just like Kimo's birth

But none of that makes him BFF material. No, he didn't become my BFF until Monday, July 21, 2008, when an interview he did for a Los Angeles-based sports talk show came to my attention...

Host: Speaking of college, Carson, you're a couple-hundred miles away, but I assume that being in the state of Ohio, you've gotta kind of watch what you say with the old Ohio State-USC battle coming up, or you just not give a damn? And you're gonna say -

BFF: I don't watch what I say. I cannot stand the Buckeyes, and having to live in Ohio and hear those people talk about their team, it drives me absolutely nuts. We finally, now we've got Keith Rivers out there, and we got Frostee Rucker. We've finally got a couple of other SC guys, but it's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program, and Tressel, and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now, when SC comes to the 'Shoe, and I get to hopefully, hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them on their own turf, and kind of put all the talk to rest because I'm really getting sick of it, and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned PAC-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten.

Host: So, you're a little excited about it?

BFF: I can't wait.


As a native Ohioan who can't stand the ridiculous fanaticism associated with Ohio State football, I hear every word of what Carson Palmer said. There are plenty of cool Buckeye fans, but there's also an abnormally large amount of rabid peckerfaces who repel as many fans as they attract. They're diehards even if they never attended a class at OSU, and they think that all of Ohio is like them. They don't believe in ever leaving Ohio because they think it's the greatest thing in the world. Other than the rednecks of Pennsylvania and natives of Los Angeles, these are the most sheltered people I've ever met.

The man on the left is known as "King Nut".... sometimes these things write themselves

I have plenty of friends who go to Ohio State, and the campus is a very nice downtown Columbus locale. Plus, Ohio State's cutie quotient has always been underrated. After Ohio University, it's the second-hottest campus in the state.

Sorry, Miami, very few sorostitutes here

But the fact remains that Ohio State will always be synonymous with Buckeye football, and Buckeye football will always be synonymous with cretinism. Don't blame Carson Palmer for speaking the truth, Buckeye fans, and don't be so afraid of (gasp!) traveling around the country and broadening your horizons.

Oh, and one more thing...



WE ARE...