So it hits

Boy, did you see that Indians-Tigers game Wednesday night? The game Detroit won 14-12 in 13 innings? The one where the Tribe was occasionally amazing but mostly abominable? The thriller that lasted well past 12:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time? You can barely put games like that into one word. I mean....shit.(1)

All those people at Jacobs Field probably felt like shit(2), especially considering the Tribe had Cliff Lee going on the mound and the '08 Tigers hadn't been able to touch his shit(3). Well, after we built an 8-1 lead through three innings, shit(4) really hit the fan. Our sticks returned to their normally impotent selves, and Lee inexplicably began to pitch like shit(5). His shitty(6) line included six earned runs on 10 hits, which probably left him murmuring in the dugout "at least I've got a cute family n' shit(7)."

Wife and kids look adorable, Cliff looks like he's gotta shit(8)

Not long after General Cliff Lee left the game, our bullpen -- or bullshit(9), if you will -- trotted out its first attempt to babyshit(10) our two-run lead. Sure enough, Jensen Lewis walked the only batter he faced and gave way to Rafael Perez, who pitched the living shit(11) out of his spotless 1 2/3 innings, although he did commit an error that allowed a run to score.

We built our lead back to 11-7 entering the eighth, and Eric Wedge phoned our bullshit(12) and asked, "Who's the shittiest(13) pitcher we've got available?" The answer was Edward Mujica, who grew up in the country of Venezuela and gave us a performance beshitting(14) of our 2008 season.

See, Mujica retired the first two shitty(15) Tigers he faced, and once the lineup turned over, he got dropped like a shit(16) during the Ex-lax World Series. Four hits and four runs later, the game was tied and Mujica's night was over.

Uhhh, Eddie, you've got some shit(17) in your teeth

So Mujica was replaced by Masa Kobayashi, who promptly collected the third out by shitting(18) on Gary Sheffield like he shat(19) on us during the Latino Series. That exchange turned out to be a figshit(20) of our imagination, because Kobayashi promptly loaded the bases in the ninth, and Placido Polanco (who shares his name with a pharmaceutical drug for people who've got the shits(21)) hit a sacrifice fly to give the Tigers a 12-11 lead.

Well it wasn't no thang to Kelly Shoppach, who told a Fernando Rodney offering to eat shit(22) and tied the game to force extra innings. In fact, Shoppach's homer was his fifth extra-base hit of the night, which tied a Major League record and made a bunch of fans in attendance go "SHIT!"(23)

(In fact, I recall that my first post on this shitty(24) blog said that Shoppach was a valuable player who could start for 20 other Major League teams.)

Boy, do I know my shit(25)

Andy Gonzalez, however, couldn't start for 20 other Single-A teams, as evidenced by his shitty(26) at-bat in the bottom of the 10th, when the Tribe loaded the bases and brought up Gonzalez for a pinch-shit(27) strikeout that ended the inning.

After a pair of solid innings from Rafael Betancourt, Wedge again went to his bullshit(28) and chose Juan Rincon, who pitched a scoreless 12th before shitting(29) his pants in the 13th. The shit(30) stains read like this: a single by Carlos Guillen, a single by Curtis Granderson, an RBI groundout by Prescription Polanco, a single by Matt Joyce, and an RBI throwing error by Gonzalez.

Meanwhile, the Indians left the bases juiced in the 12th, which has been a flagshit(31) occurrence this season. Our last chance resulted in Asdrubal Cabrera reaching second before the last two batters were shat(32) down by first-ballot Hall-of-Shitter(33) Casey Fossum.

Fossum rhymes with awesome...holy shit!(34)

As I watched our bullshit(35) surrender lead after lead tonight, I could only think of how fed up I am, seeing as how this kind of shit(36) has become commonplace in 2008. I was ready to unleash my wrath in the blog. This was going to be Creative Differences' World War Shit (37), its shittron(38) bomb, its Hiroshitma(39).

Fortunately, I curtailed my emotions and got my shit(40) together. I'm a fan. This is what I do. I stick around through all the shit(41). If great seasons are like great movies, I've watched a few. If average seasons are like average movies, I've seen plenty. And if bad seasons are like snuff movies, I've even seen one of those.


So here's to the Tribe, no matter how many times your shitty(42) performances force me to shit(43) like the shit-faced(44) shit(45) demon people become after 2 a.m. Taco Bell.

Now let's come out Thursday and make up for this shit(46).