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Hello there, cheeldren! I'm Eric Allen, and I werk for ESPN as an NFL ainalyst! One of my jubs is to pick who will weein every weekend! This week, the Cleevelind Browns are facing the Tennussee Titans! Tennussee is eeleven and wun, and Cleevelind is four and eight. "Ate" is what keeids do to my deelicious cooking, so I'm picking the Cleevelind Browns!
Aren't I a great chayracter? Eeven though the panel picked neeut one, neeut two, neeut three, neeut four, neeut five, neeut six, neeut seven, neeut eight, beeut NINE clean sweeps amung this week's games, I wuz the only wun to pick Cleevelind! Aren't I a great chayracter?
ESPN's accuscore said Tennussee would weein by 28 points, but that didn't steeup me! Fans voted 95 piercent that Tennussee would weein, but that didn't steeup me, either! All the uther guys asked me why I picked Cleevelind. It's easy! Derrrp!
DERRRP!
DERRRP!
DERRRP!
Well that's it for today, gang. Don't forget yer yellow steeuff and white steeuff!
DA DERPY DERRRP!
What up y'all. It's ya boy LeBron James, and if I ain't ya boy, you STUPID. That's right, I said STUPID. Just like I called Charles Barkley last week. I said he's STUPID and that's all I've got to say about that. Except for what I'm about to say now. If y'all don't get the metaphor, you STUPID.
Actually, Bron, I don't think that's a metaphor. I think you just want people to know what you mean.
Ain't you supposed to be playin' in Germany, Romeo? Germany's STUPID. You STUPID. Your GPA in high school was lower than Larry Hughes' shooting percentage, mine was encrusted in gold. You know what that means? That means Larry Hughes is STUPID, and so are you. How's that for a metaphor?
Anyway, I can't believe how STUPID y'all have been acting in response to my statement about Sir Chaz. People act like it's a surprise or somethin' that I called him STUPID. Well he is STUPID. If I wanna play spin the bottle with the Knicks, I'm gon' play spin the bottle with the Knicks. People who don't play spin the bottle are STUPID.
You know who else is STUPID? Almost everyone. I'm The King, and they don't elect kings if they STUPID. I'm not even sure if they elect kings at all. I think it has somethin' to do with birthright. You know what? Medieval politics are STUPID.
You ain't gotta look at Barkley long before you realize how STUPID he is. Check it.
'Ey yo Chuck, I do impressions.
Blank eyes, lazy mouth, wrinkled forehead, STUPID.
Y'all got one thing right, though. I hate the Cavs, cuz the Cavs are STUPID. Almost all of my teammates are STUPID. C'mon, man, I'm The King. I don't need much help. If I was playin' with Jay-Z, Savannah and my two sons, we'd have won five rings by now. But Danny Ferry done loaded the roster with STUPID people my whole career. Now, I got two teammates worth their weight in STUPID, which might still be enough. So Big Z and Mo, go have a smart party. Or a smarty. Call it whatever y'all like, just make sure the name ain't STUPID.
The rest of you STUPID asses can go sign with the Clippers.
What, you think I'm jokin'? That's why you STUPID. You can't hit open shots? STUPID. You don't scream when you want a foul? STUPID. You can't dunk from the concourse level? STUPID. You ain't ready for one of my sizzlin' Sportscenter passes? STUPID.
It ain't just y'all, either. The whole city of Cleveland is STUPID. 'Ey Romeo, what was that one team we saw here when the Yanks were in town?
It was the Indians Bron. They play in Cleveland.
That's right, they STUPID. And the Browns. Who names their team the Browns? That's STUPID. That's like like namin' your team the Turds. Yeah, I made a poop joke, like a million other people. Know why? Cuz those million other people are STUPID, but I'm funny.
You know who else is funny? Coach Brown. He can't tell jokes or nothin', but when he looks STUPID, man, he looks STUPID.
What you doin' now, coach Brown? James Brown? Bobby Brown? You can't touch my Bobby Brown, so don't even try. Tryin' is STUPID. I don't try. I just do it. That's why I signed with Nike. Cuz Reebok and Adidas and Converse are STUPID.
Look at them shoes. Them shoes is hot. Only thing hotter is my Big Apple kicks. You ain't got a pair of Big Apple kicks? You STUPID. Right, Jay?
Oh yooo hold up. What you doin' with them glasses on? You look STUPID. Like that one guy who did that show in Cleveland. Nah, nah, this ain't right. Here, I'm 'a use my powers as The King to make you look more gangster.
Yeah, that's workin' real nice right there. How white is Jason Kidd? Jason Kidd is STUPID. White people are STUPID.
This whole story is STUPID. I'm sure Barkley gon' say somethin' back Thursday night, and it'll be STUPID, and I'll call him STUPID again. Don't be like that, people. 'Ey rookie, give 'em somethin' to think about!
I know. I skimped on the ABCs the last couple weeks. Sue me. Seriously, sue me. At this point, a grueling litigation process which could cost me tons of money is more favorable than watching the Browns on a week-to-week basis.
I'll try to make up for it, though. This is what happens when you spend too much time at LOL Jocks on a slow workday.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns
RUNNING BACK IZ GOOD WITH FAVA BEANS AND NICE CHIANTI
TIM WAKEFIELD IZ HERO
CALM DOWN 52, PASS GET INTERCEPTED ANYWAYZ
STEVE SLATON IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE
BEAT PEE WEE PLAYER, NOW I CAN GO TO NFLZ
WHICH ONE Y'ALL TOOK MEH COOKIE
I NO WANTZ CATCH
ALREADY TOLD YOU, LIKE YOU AZ FRIEND
BUT SCHEDULE SAID WERE PLAYING NFL TEAM
I'M IN UR HOLE, STOPPIN UR RUNZ
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Indianapolis Colts at Cleveland Browns
LOLBROWNZ WANT NO PART OF PLAYOFFS
I CAN HAZ PIROUETTE?
IZ EASIER THAN GETTING INTO GAME
GO BACK TO BENCH, ROOKEH
HAHA IT TAKEZ THREE OF YOU TO DROP ONE BALL
IZ OK, DIDN'T WANT ANYWAYZ
SHOULD PROLLY WATCH GAME TAPE INSTEAD OF TECMO BOWL
SILLY COLTS IZ NO MATCH FOR BOOT CAMP EXPERIENCE
INVIZIBLE STONE COLD GETS PEOPLEZ ELBOW
FAIL
