Creative Differences

A Note To The Big Ten

2010-01-06T13:02:00.001-05:00

Pictured above are two people that accurately represent the average Big 10 fans. By the looks of them, I'd say Iowa or Wisconsin fans. Certainly not debonair Northwestern fans, or fans with an infuriating sense of entitlement and self-satisfaction, like Penn State fans. Yes, they must be Iowa or Wisconsin fans. What do Iowa and Wisconsin fans have in common? They're both happy today, as their teams pulled off bowl victories against ranked teams from supposed "power conferences." Except, they both beat ACC teams, and this isn't basketball we're talking about (but we'll get to that soon enough).

You might have heard your favorite talking head blabbering on and on about how the Big Ten really made a statement in this bowl season. Iowa won the Orange Bowl. Ohio State won the Rose Bowl, Penn State won the Capital One Bowl. Wisconsin won the Champs Sports Bowl, which probably changed its name again in the time since I wrote that part of this sentence. Northwestern barely lost to Auburn, a team that plies its trade in gasp! the SEC.

"The Big Ten is back," they say. "All hail the Big Ten," the pundits laud.

Please. Give me a fucking break. One bowl season does not a reputation make. The Big Ten has taken flack for about the past decade for choking on a fat dong during bowl season, and just because they managed to turn around and give a little back for once shouldn't be a reason for everyone to toot their collective horns about a bunch of land grant schools that play boring, pointless possession football. The Big Ten still sucks, but this year's crop of bowl teams was lucky enough to face teams more fatally flawed than them, and more importantly, more fatally flawed than usual. Speed still kills in college football, and just because it didn't win out this once doesn't mean it won't next year. And don't forget, Minnesota and Michigan State both lost their bowl games, so it's not like the Big Ten was a whole crew of world beaters. They just happened to squeak by in the bigger games.

And as for basketball, any fan that wants to proclaim the Big Ten the best league in the country this year can just eat my shit and leave right now. I don't care that Purdue beat West Virginia, or that the Big Ten finally won the Big Ten/ACC Challenge. If ESPN makes a slate of inter-conference games into a made-for-TV event, they probably expect one of the conferences to show up more than once a decade. Get fucked, Big Ten defenders, your conference still blows in every sense of the word.

Sincerely,

Francois Leroux Speedskater

Doug the D-Bag presents: Boise Hate

2010-01-05T02:26:00.009-05:00

'Sup jocksniffers? That's right. I said "sup." Of course I said sup. It's more d-baggy.

For those of you who don't know, I'm Doug Gottlieb, the only accurate analyst on ESPN. You may recognize me from College Basketball Live, when I disagree with everyone else just because they're on the same set as me. Or you may recognize me from my radio show, where I mention my wife every five minutes because she's the only chick hot enough and smart enough for a guy like me. Or you may recognize me from college basketball broadcasts, when I deliberately say dickish things and exude a dickish attitude as the color guy, messing up the nice dynamic the hack play-by-play guy is trying to establish.

Turns out I'm friends with DJMJ, co-blogger here on Creative Differences. He's really pissed about Boise State winning another Fiesta Bowl. But if he said what he really wanted to say about it, every race/religion/political affiliation/sexual preference would storm his apartment with pitchforks and pathos. So he passed it off to me, Doug the D-Bag.

Hey, Boise State, who the fuck do you think you are? That guy on Fox tonight said that you "solidified your status as a college football power." The only status you solidified is that of the erect schlort of every woefully ill-equipped male Boise State fan. You know, the same guys who taunted LeGarrette Blount from the stands and then hid behind each other faster than Byron Hout fell to the ground. Why the hell do you go to school in Idaho? Didn't we sell Idaho to Canada 20 years ago? Is that what you are now? Is that why your nerf turf at Bronco Stadium is Labatt Blue? Go slam a few more bottles and try to score with the butt-ugly band chicks who represent the hottest co-eds on BSU's campus. As for your football team, give me a fucking break. So you've won two BCS games against teams whose body language was silly putty. Okahoma and TCU clearly didn't give a shit about the game because they were playing you and not, I don't know, a program that doesn't treat chicken-shit trickery like it's fucking fundamental. The second-place team in your conference lost to Notre Dame 35-0. But hey, keep trumpeting the W(h)ac(k). Keep telling us you're getting tested week in and week out. Tested for STDs after sleeping with subpar competition, maybe. But not tested by real teams. And don't even try to throw that Oregon win at me. That Oregon team looks as much like the eventual Pac-10 champion as Rupaul looks like Zoe Saldana. Who's your most famous alumnus, Boise State? Kimo Von Oelhoffen? Ryan Clady? How's Diggity Dan Hawkins doing now that he's coaching a decent program in a BCS conference? Sucking shit? No, I don't think you should worry about him. I'm sure Colorado loves losing two out of every three games it plays. You'd be lucky to do that if you moved into a BCS conference. Until then, keep sweeping through the local Pop Warner league and neighing about how you deserve a shot at the national championship. Have fun watching Alabama and Texas like the rest of us, dickwads.

New Year, New You, I Still Hate The Big 10

2010-01-02T15:39:00.003-05:00

So we haven't posted in awhile here at CD.

(Checks last post date. Sees it's over three months ago. Cares little.)

Sue us.

In the spirit of New Year's resolutions, we're going to start posting again. Or at least, I am, and we'll see if DJMJ gets back on the horse as well. Maybe we'll even try to get people to read it too, or not. Either way, the same idiotic humor, stereotyping and general lunacy you've come to expect will dominate the screen. So buckle up, strap in, take a cleansing dump and enjoy, Creative Differences is back and worse than ever.

Oh, and a hearty FUCK YOU to the Big 10. Thanks and have a great day.

The LOLBrownz are LOLBack

2009-09-27T21:35:00.007-04:00

Because there's no other way to write about this heinous perversion of professional football.

Unreal

2009-09-20T18:56:00.001-04:00

If you root for a good NFL team, I humbly request that you always keep in mind one thing:

You are really, really, really, really lucky.

That's it.

CD blogger teaches James Walker a lesson

2009-09-18T12:20:00.004-04:00

So I got a little hammered Wednesday night and woke up still hammered the next morning, which is why I penned a little paragraph and sent it to ESPN.com AFC North blogger James Walker. Normally I'm not the type of person to write bitchy little e-mails or complain to my senator or shit like that, but it was the alcohol talking.

Anyway, Walker actually led off a post with my diatribe, which concerned the tissue-paper toughness of Steelers fans detailed here. He could have led off with any of the hundreds of messages he gets each day, but it took a well-penned paragraph with truth and justice as its foundation to bat leadoff in this Friday post.

Perhaps we're finally on our way to exposing Steelers fans as cold-blooded pussies! No longer will they be ranked as the best fans in the NFL by sports media outlets!

We can only hope!

Serena and Roger Go To Starbucks

2009-09-16T00:15:00.000-04:00

Serena Williams: Boy Roger, it sure was a good idea you had to meet up and talk shop at Starbucks. We're both at the top of our games, and we have lots of good tennis still ahead of us. I think picking each other's brains and talking about the hardships of staying on top is really going to help both of us out.

Roger Federer: Absolutely, I think this is going to be great for both of us. And plus, who doesn't like a cup of overpriced swill?

SW: I know! I can taste my caramel macchiato and we haven't even walked in the door!

Cashier: Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

SW: I'll just have a grande caramel macchiato, please.

Cashier: Oh, I'm so sorry, we're out of caramel, and I was told by the manager not to offer them without caramel.

SW: You're not serious.

Cashier: I am. There's nothing I can do. It's not my fault.

SW: Fault? Did you say FAULT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING BITCH? DID YOU SEE MY FOOT GO OVER THE LINE? NO! MY FOOT WAS BEHIND THE LINE!

Cashier: I'm sorry miss, but I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.

SW: I WILL FUCKING SHOW YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TAKE THIS ESPRESSO MACHINE AND JAM IT UP YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU'RE THROWING UP EXCREMENT! I WILL SCRAPE OFF THE INSIDES OF YOUR INTESTINES WITH THE LOOSE STRINGS FROM THE TENNIS RACKET I'M ABOUT TO BREAK ON YOUR MISERABLE FACE!

Cashier: (Stares vacantly)

RF: Serena, Serena, calm down. It's not that big of a deal, there's plenty of other good stuff on the menu. Just get something else besides your usual. Branch out a little.

SW: You're right Roger, you're right. I'll have a grande iced latte.

Cashier: And for you, sir?

RF: I'll have the pumpkin latte with a shot of espresso.

Cashier: (Pauses 10 seconds) Oh sir, I don't mean to steer you away from your choice, but our lead barista said that that combination doesn't taste very well. In fact, it's made several people sick.

RF: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT HE SAID.

Cashier: (Shrugs)

RF: DON'T SHOW YOUR HANDS TO ME. I WILL TALK WHEN I WANT TO, AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE SAID! DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE RULES IN HERE? WHY DID YOU WAIT SO FUCKING LONG TO TELL ME? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS CHALLENGE MY CHOICE OF CAFFEINATED BEVERAGE QUICKLY AND DECISIVELY! DON'T WAIT TEN SECONDS. THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Cashier: (Shits pants, runs away)

RF: I'll have a tall regular coffee, black.

Barista: Y-y-yes sir.

RF: So, about tennis--that Rafael Nadal is super lame, don't you think?

SW: Oh, absolutely. Say, off-topic for a minute...(Dons suit and tie) have you found God, Roger? I mean, really found him, because if not, I'd like to chat with you about the Jehovah's Witnesses and our mission for a few minutes.

RF: Shit.

Gus Johnson goes to the dentist

2009-09-13T17:35:00.003-04:00

Sports journalism is a deteriorating medium. People who don't deserve jobs are getting hired, informal nonsense like Twitter is considered a legitimate source, and even the slightest events are stories amid 24/7 coverage. But there is beacon of light, a transcendent announcer with the power to turn the simplest chores into white-knuckle excitement. His name is Gus Johnson...

GUS: Honey, I'm heading off to the dentist for my tooth cleaning! I don't know if I'll be back by five but I'M GONNA TRY MY BEST!

WIFE: All right, sweetheart.

Gus drives over to the dentist's.

DENTIST: Well, Gus, good to see you again.

GUS: Good to see you too, Doc!

DENTIST: Ready to get started?

GUS: YES SIRRRR!

DENTIST: Go ahead and lie down in that chair.

Gus lies down.

DENTIST: First, we'll clean out your mouth. Here's a cup of water. Swish that around in your mouth a bit and then spit it out into the sink by the chair.

GUS: DOWN IT GOES! THIS WATER IS EXCELLENT!

DENTIST: All right, now I'm going to give you a local anesthetic.

GUS: THEY LOCALIZED ANESTHESIA? IMPOSSIBLE!

DENTIST: It's just to numb you so you don't feel any pain. You'll still be awake during the cleaning.

GUS: No need, Doc! I watched Allan Houston's runner to knock out the Heat before I came here! I CAN'T FEEL A THING!

DENTIST: Well, if you say so.

GUS: I gotta ask, Doc, WHICH TOOTH IS THE DIRTIEST? IS IT MY LATERAL INCISOR? TELL ME IT'S MY LATERAL INCISOR!

DENTIST: Uh, several of them could use a good cleaning. That's why you're here.

GUS: UNBELIEVABLE!

DENTIST: OK, just tilt your head back for me.

GUS: RISE AND FIRE, DOC!

DENTIST: Oh, looks like you've got some tartar buildup just under your gumline.

GUS: TARTAR STRIKES AGAIN! INCONCEIVABLE!

DENTIST: Let me just remove that for you. There we go.

GUS: DOCTOR YOU DEFINE CLUTCH!

DENTIST: Thank you.

GUS: Make sure you SPIFF UP MY MOLARS!

DENTIST: Your molars are fine. I'm almost finished. There.

GUS: How much is this appointment gonna cost me!

DENTIST: Check with my receptionist Linda up front, but it's usually around $135.

GUS: ONE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS? UNFATHOMABLE!

DENTIST: It's not a cheap procedure, but it is worthwhile.

GUS: I'm not mad, Doc! I'm STUPEFIED BY OUR SKYROCKETING HEALTH CARE COSTS!

DENTIST: Yeah, it's pinching everybody right now. Anyway, have a good day and I'll see you again soon.

Gus walks out to the front desk.

GUS: MY APPOINTMENT IS ALL OVER!

LINDA: Why are you yelling?

GUS: Because I was a little nervous coming in! TREPIDATION! APPREHENSION! CONSTERNATION!

LINDA: Your bill is $134.67.

GUS: THAT'S THIRTY-THREE CENTS CHEAPER THAN WHAT DOC TOLD ME! DO YOU TAKE VISA?

LINDA: We sure do.

GUS: INCREDIBLE! IT TRULY IS EVERYWHERE I WANT TO BE!

LINDA: Thank you, Mr. Johnson. Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.

GUS: I SURE WILL!

Join us next time for more excitement with Gus Johnson.

I hate you, Chris Berman

2009-09-13T11:26:00.007-04:00

Happy first day of the NFL season, folks! It's 8:30ish out on the West coast but I'm still up to watch the first bit of NFL coverage on ESPN. Oh, hey! It's Chris Berman! That reminds me!

I HATE YOU, CHRIS BERMAN. You're a fucking bigot, and there's no way around it. Your head is so far up the NFL's ass you're probably licking Roger Goodell's shit residue as we speak. When players fight in the NFL, you just brush it off and say it's a physical game. When players fight in hockey and baseball, they're just governing themselves. But when NBA players fight, they're gangbanging thugs who don't deserve our respect or attention. You're a piece of fucking work Berman, you know that? Everything about the NFL is awesome to you. Everyone in the NFL is awesome to you. Wake up asshole! Michael Vick went to jail for two years and aided in the murder of hundreds of dogs. Pacman Jones is a deplorable piece of shit who lives at strip clubs and treats the people around him like garbage. Chris Henry has been arrested more times than O.J. Simpson. Travis Henry has fathered so many children he might be your dad. FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE JUST AS FLAWED AS OTHER ATHLETES. But it's OK because you have a million catch phrases that stupid people enjoy! And you give nicknames to players! And you've been with ESPN for all 30 years of its existence! Free pass! NOT FROM ME, JACKASS. YOU ARE THE FOREMOST PROPAGATOR OF THE NFL'S HEGEMONIC BULLSHIT. I HOPE I NEVER FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NFL, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I'M A NARROW-MINDED RACIST FUCKWAD WHO'LL PROBABLY DIE IN FIVE YEARS BECAUSE I WEIGH MORE THAN ANDRE SMITH. If I want to watch an amorphous blob pontificating about pro football, I'll wait for Peter King on NBC, thank you very much. I hate you, Chris Berman. Go fuck yourself with Tank Johnson's handgun.

EPIC STEELERS HATE

2009-09-09T22:28:00.008-04:00

Think about all the different Web sites on the Internet. Think about all the different pages each site has. Now think about the history of the Internet.

In all likelihood, there have been more than one duodecillion (that's 39 zeroes, kids!) pages created in the history of the Internet. And I have singled out the greatest page of them all.

http://deadspin.com/5354828/why-your-team-sucks-pittsburgh-steelers

I dare not even quote any of it. Where would I begin? There's too much to quote. It's all well-written, it's all funny, and most importantly, it's all true.

The tough reputation of Steelers fans is the biggest crock of shit in sports. You give Browns fans a team that wins 10 games a year and consistently challenges for a division crown and always plays hard and has more Super Bowls than anyone else, and yeah, we'll pack your fucking stadium.

Steelers fans shouldn't be ashamed to root for that kind of team. They should be ashamed of being douchebags, because by and large, that's what they are. Towel-waving, mouth-breathing, dimwitted douchebags. And don't pretend you know what suffering is like because of the Pirates. So your baseball team sucks shit. Bet it feels good to have the Steelers to look forward to every fall, and the Penguins on a fairly regular basis over the past couple decades.

Try rolling out of bed without a championship in your lifetime. Try getting excited about a football team that has two winning records and zero playoff wins in the last 10 years. Try supporting a baseball team that keeps inventing new ways to choke in the playoffs. Try cheering for a basketball team that's finally gotten a transcendent superstar, only to be bombarded with talk of how he'll never win in that city and he's leaving next year because of it.

It gets old. Real old. And there are plenty of other fan bases with their own shit to work through.

Meanwhile, you're whimpering about the Pirates, who in all reality you stopped supporting well before they hit the first five years of their 17-year streak. You've been well below the National League average for home attendance in 15 of those years. That's pathetic.

Is that what you'll do when the Steelers start to suck? Turn tail and stop supporting immediately? Only now are you starting to see the Indians' attendance figures come down (and we're still above the league average). Only now are you starting to see the Browns games struggle to sell out. Sure, there are bandwagoners following LeBron James, and that's because he finally gave the city a legitimate reason to give a shit about the NBA.

Fuck your team. Fuck your city. Most of all, fuck you, Steelers fans. You don't deserve your football team.

Let that serve as a welcome to the 2009 season.

GO TITANS

Stroke of Genius: ESPN Hires Bruschi

2009-09-08T19:30:00.003-04:00

ESPN's NFL coverage just got a whole lot more versatile, scrappier and whiter, as former New England Patriot Tedy Bruschi was picked up to join the already insufferable ESPN NFL crew.

Bruschi will no doubt offer a hard-nosed, cheater's perspective, and will more than likely be the most annoying member of the team within two weeks.

But There Was ONE SECOND LEFT

2009-09-08T00:32:00.005-04:00

Miami 38, FSU 34.

K, that's good and all.

Why the fuck didn't the 'Noles challenge rather vociferously the ruling that time had expired after the third down incompletion when there was quite clearly one second left? The answer, of course, is that Bobby Bowden was too busy medicating his...

Oh Hey, We're Back

2009-09-05T22:56:00.003-04:00

Why not boot this rust bucket back up in honor of the start of college football season. Let's do it the lazy, bullet-style way.

--BYU 14, Fuck you Stoops 13. BYU was on a mission tonight.

--The Papa John's commercial with Papa John and the Girl Scouts/Catholic School girls? And him delivering pizza out of a late model muscle car? What, was the windowless van unavailable?

--Iowa has to block two field goals to hold on against 1-AA Northern Iowa, Ohio State barely beats Navy, and Minnesota almost loses to a team with Greg Paulus at QB. Clearly, the Big Ten is the football conference most deserving of its own TV network.

--Pitt beats Youngstown State 38-3 and the fans boo lame-duck QB Bill Stull after his first incompletion. That's appalling behavior. At this point in his career, they should be throwing trash.

--Florida beats Charleston Southern like 800 to 3, but c'mon, Charleston Southern is the real winner here. They got to touch Tim Tebow in his house of worship. The fact that most of the touching was limited to futile swipes with fingertips is irrelevant.

--Penn State smashed Akron 31-7, but anyone that's seen a Penn State early season cupcake game could have told you the script before the game happened. Big first half, second half that cures insomnia.

--USC played San Jose St. and though it took them awhile, the Trojans caught fire and won in big. See what I did there? Fire? Because they play in L.A.? Yeah? Yeah? No? Okay.

--Brent Musberger appeared on TV in a racing helmet, and as one of my friends said, "Looked like one of the Nazis after they opened the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark."

--Big Ten Network receiver Kenny Jackson is my new favorite person on TV, even though he's too awkward to watch. While trying to interview Joe Paterno today, he basically screamed shit at Paterno and it barely made sense. This wouldn't be noteworthy save for the fact that he played for Paterno and was still that awkward. And his pregame report from the sideline, well, let's just never speak of it again.

Nothing important happened today

2009-06-25T01:05:00.006-04:00

Yep, just another day in Cleveland sports. You know, a crappy team defeated the crappier Tribe. Fans are still talking about the recent Browns minicamp. Same old, same old.

But I'll probably have more about Wednesday's events later. Call it a hunch.

I hate Pittsburgh but I can't hate on this

2009-06-18T19:25:00.003-04:00

I don't care who you are, that's good.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2009-06-16T11:03:00.002-04:00

In response to DJMJ's turning the blog over to me--here is my celebration.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wait a minute, that's not very classy, let's try again.

WOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOU HOSSA OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Penguins are STANLEY CUP FUCKIN CHAMPIONS.

Bitch.

Another one bites my nuts

2009-06-13T00:46:00.004-04:00

Oh hi there! How are you?

Me? I'm just slipping further and further into sports hell, thank you. I'm surrounded by Laker fans who are already celebrating the franchise's 15th NBA championship like entitled assholes who don't appreciate how lucky they are, and tonight I got to watch my favorite city (NOT) win the Stanley Cup title. Moreover, I lost a bet to a good buddy of mine and now I owe him an expensive bottle of liquor because Sidney Crosby won it all before LeBron James. But I can live with that.

Meanwhile, here I sit, increasingly frustrated and decidedly championship-less. I listened to a Laker fan the other day balk about suffering, about how he started rooting for the team during the "rough" times. Yeah, like that one year in the '90s the Lakers didn't make the playoffs. Right.

I responded with a vitriolic sentence or two telling him to shut the fuck up and scolding him about pretending to know what it's like to root for a loser. It probably seemed jerky at the time, but I don't regret it. Not for one second. I was born with a competitive gene. Sue me. I take sports very seriously. Not life and death, but still very seriously. If you're reading this blog, you probably feel the same way. If you don't think so, then you're full of shit.

As for tonight's events, I can't really hate on the Penguins. I don't like the hype that Sidney Crosby gets, but the Pens don't incite my ire like those fucking douchebag dickhole fuckface Steelers do. Still, a Stanley Cup for the Penguins means two titles in one year for Pittsburgh, and two titles in one year for Pittsburgh means one pissed-off DJMJ.

I can't help it. It's the Cleveland fan in me. It's petulant, it's bitter, it's jealousy. But can't someone be jealous of us for once?

I now turn the blog over to FLS, who may or may not choose to post in celebration.

Thinkin' that we got it made

2009-05-31T12:27:00.006-04:00

Once upon a time, you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime
Didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware Doll, you're bound to fall"
You thought they were all
Kidding you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal

There's genius in the words of Bob Dylan.

66 wins, one division title, one coach of the year, one MVP, one dominant home-court advantage, all boosted by the No. 1 overall seed in the NBA.

Gone.

There was a wondrous feeling of destiny about this team, shared by about two million Northeast Ohio sports fans -- myself included.

Gone.

Following a 30-point loss disguised as a 13-point loss in Game 6 at Amway Arena, I sat there speechless with three friends who were rooting for either the Cavs or a LeBron-Kobe Finals.

Gone.

So the question becomes...

How does it feel?

There's no cute, curt description of agonizing pain that fits. There was simply paralysis. I sat there for 15 minutes without saying a word, and when the time came for the TNT crew to present the Magic with the Eastern Conference championship trophy, I bolted for my room faster than LeBron James bolted for the team bus last night.

There was no other way to respond to the first unqualified playoff failure of the LeBron James era. Pushing the Pistons to seven games in the 2006 conference semis was an unexpected boost for the future. Just being around for the Spurs to sweep in the 2007 NBA Finals was a tremendous feeling. The Celtics were too strong for a Cavs team discombobulated by a season's worth of distractions in last spring's conference semis, and that series still went the distance.

It was a run of overachievement as encouraging as Cleveland's run of heartbreak. I find it awkward when people my age reference the Drive, or the Shot, or any other disappointment that took place when we couldn't walk yet, so I stick to what I know: Art Modell moving the Browns, the Game 7 implosion in the 1997 World Series, the Cavs' record-setting choke job in 2004-05, the fumbling away of the 2007 ALCS, the utter futility of the Browns since their return.

I think the 1995 World Series is a fairly apt comparison of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals. The Tribe brought the offense, the Braves brought the defense (i.e. pitching). This year's Magic brought the offense, and this year's Cavs were supposed to bring the defense.

Instead, the Magic proved beyond a doubt they are the best team in the NBA. They throw the ball in the post to Dwight Howard, who either schools his defender one-on-one or finds open teammates when he's doubled. Those teammates either re-post Howard, use their athleticism to get to the basket themselves, pull up for a jumper or find another open teammate. The Magic are equipped with an army of tall, strong players who can shoot from anywhere. More importantly, the ball never stops moving in Orlando's offense, and they get high-percentage shots because of it. The Cavs are as good as anyone in the league on defensive rotations, and they looked silly chasing Orlando's shooters around the floor. When it's clicking, the whole operation is basically unguardable.

And yet, it's not the offense that won Orlando the series. As thoroughly obnoxious as Stan Van Gundy is (a Marlins cap at practice? Really?), his non-stop stressing of defense has given the Magic a supreme advantage. People will bemoan LeBron's lack of help, but the Magic didn't luck out because of it. They were ready for anything. They have big, physical perimeter players who can defend most guys one-on-one, and when a player like LeBron James is on the wing, they funnel everything into Dwight Howard, who has done a better job of bodying up drivers and altering shots without fouling. The Magic were disciplined, they were crisp, they got big stops when they needed them, and it's a credit to their staff, no matter how prehistoric Mike Brown's offense is.

That didn't stop LeBron from single-handedly keeping the Cavs in every game but the last one. I know it sounds trite, especially coming from a Cleveland fan, but he is truly the best basketball player on the planet and an otherworldly talent, the likes of which we haven't seen since Michael Jordan. Isn't it amazing that people still find ways to criticize a 24-year-old who just averaged 35.3 points, 9.1 rebounds and 7.3 assists in a single postseason, including 38.5, 8.3 and 8.0 in the conference finals? When LeBron improves his post-up game and adds Kobe's killer instinct, the results may be incomparable.

Basketball is still a big man's game, however, and it's Dwight Howard, not LeBron, representing the East in the NBA Finals. Howard is also the leader of a more complete team, and as savvy as Danny Ferry's trade for Mo Williams was, more help is needed. Jalen Rose said it best on Sportscenter following the game last night: The Cavs have a bunch of specialists. Good teammates? Yes. Hard-nosed guys? Yes. But still specialists. Delonte West has a versatile game, but he's better suited being the first guy off the bench. Anderson Varejao can defend, rebound and bring energy. Daniel Gibson can hit 3s. Wally Szczerbiak can hit 3s (although his defense did improve). Ben Wallace can defend. Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Joe Smith are big bodies that can shoot and provide a veteran presence. Mo Williams can be a terror on offense, but he was decidedly un-clutch for most of the postseason, and it seems he's best suited being the third option.

That leaves a hole at LeBron's side, a void that still hasn't been filled after six years. The prospects this summer are rather bleak, and Varejao is a free agent who will likely command $10 million a year. The Cavs' payroll will come down a bit, considering Szczerbiak's expiring contract and Wallace talking of retirement and a buyout. But there's a very good chance the Cavs will be a little worse next season.

Of course, any steps backward will feed the LeBron-to-New-York speculation, which is only going to hit its furious apex in the next 12 months. LeBron might have to accept that he won't have a sidekick in Cleveland before next summer, when the organization will have enough money to give him a gigantic extension and still sign any of the superstars available. Will he accept it? That's the million-dollar question.

I suppose there's something encouraging in all this. The superior Orlando Magic simply exposed the elephant in the room. The Cavs were a tight-knit, talented group that played together and had one transcendent star, but they weren't a truly great team. The fact that LeBron still led them this far only makes the future brighter.

Maybe, just maybe, that's the pathetically optimistic Cleveland fan talking. This team was supposed to buck the losing and win a championship. It's not what the Cavs hoped for, it's what they expected. It didn't happen.

It didn't happen for us, either. The drought continues.

Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything he could steal

....

2009-05-30T23:21:00.002-04:00

This really, really stings, and it's going to for awhile.

More later.

Witness that

2009-05-23T00:02:00.003-04:00

Hopefully "The Shot" will mean something different now in Cleveland. What a moment.

So far this series, we've blown huge leads, regressed on offense, gotten obvious on defense, watched Orlando put up ridiculous shooting percentages, and now there's a hostile environment in central Florida to look forward to.

But I'll worry about that tomorrow.

1-1 baby.

Stuart Scott is a Useless Jock Sniffer

2009-05-21T00:57:00.007-04:00

When I got a subscription to ESPN Magazine, I was doing it for all the right reasons. I wanted to help out a Catholic high school that my sister happens to attend. Fine. All that goodwill just went out the window. After starting at the back and working my way towards the front, I was almost finished with what I considered to be a strongly-written, well-done issue when I stumbled upon the mental pile of shit that is Stuart Scott's "Two-Way" column. In the past, this has been an opportunity for Scott to do one or more of the following things:

--Use fawning e-mails from people that truly love everything ESPN does to sexually pleasure himself.

--Increase his "street cred" by trying to be real about what athletes really think despite the fact that he has never actually been a professional athlete.

--Give horrid, banal answers that never, ever step outside the bounds of what the higher-ups would want him to say.

Scott fielded what might be termed a hostile question from a reader a few issues ago, one that was nothing more than a diss on the WNBA. Scott rushed to the WNBA's defense and buried the reader with harsh, tough-talking invective. Of course, his reaction couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that ESPN/ABC/FUCKING DISNEY are locked into a TV contract with the WNBA through 2016. I'd like to think that Scott is toeing the company line here, and that he realizes that, fair or not, a majority of the men that make up the majority of ESPN's audience could give a huge bag of goat shit about the WNBA--Bill Simmons readily acknowledges that fact all that time. Sadly though, I think Scott actually believes some of the nonsense he spouts, and really thinks he's taking on all the haters out there.

Whatever though. I dismissed his answer as typical annoying garbage. Annoying but not maddening.

Maddening just happened tonight.

For your benefit, I'll retype his column verbatim, and add in a little commentary. It'll be formatted all pretty-like, so you won't have to struggle to guess who said what. Though I think the fact that my analysis will include the word "fuck" about 254 times should tip you off. Let's dive right in.

Creel from "_____" (I like to think of it as "Parts Unknown" writes:

"Who's been the dirtiest player in this year's NBA playoffs, Stuart?"

A valid question, if you ask me. Creel was probably referring to this guy and his lovely running forearm shiver, which earned him a suspension and probably saved the Lakers from an upset loss in the series, as the team was forced to use a competent player in his place in Game 3. Surely, Creel has a valid point that there've been some very dirty, chippy plays in this year's playoffs, right Stu?

"Creel, tough, aggressive hoops isn't dirty; it's old school. Some say Derek Fisher made a dirty play against Luis Scola. But in the playoffs, sometimes you have to send a message. Bird, Jordan, Magic, J, Wilt, Russell...they all did it. I call it manning up for your teammates. If you get suspended, that's the cost. If I'd been the ref, I would've called a flagrant on Derek too. But as a teammate and a coach, I'd appreciate what you did."

Yeah, I'm sure his teammates were feeling threatened by Luis Scola and the Rockets, who were massive underdogs all series. If you want to man up for your teammates, Derek Fisher, you should've tried the same play against Ron Artest, who would've probably stabbed you in the heart with his shoelace. I'm sure Fisher's teammates and coaches did appreciate his actions though, as his suspension saved them from having to tell him how awful of a player he is and how he's killing the team with his barrage of missed 3-pointers. Christ, saying something is "old school" is a tidy way of saying "completely uncalled for and cheap."

Ty Cobb, now there was an old school baseball player. Look at his slides, how he tried to impale those vaguely black-looking players with his extra-sharp cleats. Guy knew how to man up for his teammates.

Matt from Dallas chimes in with the following:

"Guys like Manny, Barry, A-Rod and Clemens don't care about the Hall of Fame/tainted records/public scrutiny, Stu. When will the media start painting them as the thieves they are?"

Again, some valid points. I can't get totally behind the thieves thing, but I can understand the philosophy behind it. They were cheating to put up better numbers and in turn command better salaries. If you cheat at your desk job, and you get paid better for it, that could certainly be construed as a type of cheating. Stu, your thoughts?

"Matt, you clearly do not understand what being an athlete is about. These guys are world class, and it's impossible to get there without loving what you do, without pouring your heart and soul into what you do. Even if you assume they all cheated (though Clemens and Bonds still deny using), it came from desire, a need to be the best. Making a mistake like taking steroids doesn't mean you're a thief."

Oh FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN. WHERE THE FUCK DO I START? First off, how the fuck does Stu Scott know what being an athlete is about any more than Matt? Matt's subscription to a sports magazine and the fact that he cares enough about sports to write in to fucking "Two-way" are certainly indicators of a zest for athletic competition that might have manifested itself in active participation in athletics. Stuart Scott "gets" what being an athlete "is all about" like I "get" what being a hermaphroditic hooker is "all about." For fuck's sake Stu, you never played a down of organized professional anything, AND you got hit in the eye by a ball from a JUGS machine, so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE ON THE INSIDE.

The statement from Scott that casts doubt about whether Clemens and Bonds actually cheated? Another fucking gag-inducing example of a never-was trying to act like he's in the fraternal society of shrunken-testicle anti-heroes. Guess what Stu, they might not have admitted it, but then again, O.J. is still out there looking for the real killer and so forth. OPEN YOUR EYES AND TAKE OFF THE BLINDERS, YOU ARE DUMBER THAN A FUCKING RACEHORSE.

Oh, and I desire to be the best in my profession too. The easiest way to do that would be to kill everyone I work with and appoint myself ruler and master. But that would be cheating. In Stu's mind, though, that's okay. Because I love what I do, and I'm pouring my soul into it--while gallons of blood are pouring out of my adversaries.

Jon from Flagstaff writes:

"Will the Dodgers make it to the post-season without Manny in the lineup for two months?"

Yeah, probably.

"Well, they had him for only the final two months of the season last year and made it, so yes."

Finally, a fucking breather.

Zach from Des Moines chimes in with this:

Magic seems like a great guy, Stuart. Is he fun to work with? What about Jon Barry? And Mike Wilbon?

I'm sure Magic's a child molestor, Barry is a closet racist who rapes sheep, and Wilbon drinks the blood of virgins and eats cat poop during commercials.

"Zach, Magic doesn't talk to me, I don't talk to Barry, and Barry doesn't talk to Wilbon. Very dysfunctional group. I'm just kidding! It's a blast. But as much fun as we have on the set, we have about five times more fun in the greenroom. Watching the games and eating pizza, along with the TV crew, it's like a little family. We have a large-screen for the basketball game and several smaller sets so Wilbon can keep up with his Cubs and we can watch the PGA. Truth be told, on Masters Sunday, we moved the ABC game to the small monitor and watched Tiger and Phil chase Perry and Cabrera on the big-screen HD. Keep that to yourself."

Yes Zach, keep that to yourself, because, like it or not, you've just been invited into Stu's special club, the "I wish I was a pro athlete so I could hang like them but I'll settle for telling stories about hanging with retired pro athletes instead," club. Club population is 1. Chummy insider shit like this makes me sick, along with the heaviest-handed, dumbest attempt at humor ever in the first few lines. The vomit is rising...

...and now it's about to spew:

Frank from Bemidji, Minn. writes:

"If Brett Favre ends up playing for the Vikings, how would you rate their Super Bowl chances?"

When Brett Favre eventually signs with the Vikings, he will be a mild improvement over the horrendous, pants-shittingly awful guy they have now in Tarvaris Jackson. He will also be a significant downgrade from Sage Rosenfels, who is actually decent. He will also suck all positive vibes coming from the team into a dark vortex made of Wrangler Five Star Premium denim jeans. With that in mind, they have no chance at the Super Bowl and will go 5-11.

"Frank, let go. Just let go. He's not coming back. You're like Pavlov's dog. Cut it out, it ain't pretty."

When Favre comes back, Stu, I'll have my own e-mail for you. Here's a sneak peek:

Hey Stu, FLS from Parts Unknown here:

Die. Or stop writing. Or both.

Hopefully they'll let me Holla at Him--if I make the cut.

And now the real fun begins

2009-05-18T01:30:00.007-04:00

The Orlando Magic? Gee golly! Looks like central Florida's NBA franchise with a WNBA mascot wants a piece of us in the Eastern Conference Finals!

How exactly did Orlando get through the Celtics? I guess Dwight Howard dunked a bunch and they made just enough ridiculously ill-advised 3-pointers to win. I also bet Stan Van Gundy stopped pissing off his stars long enough to preach defense. Plus, you can only blow so many fourth quarter leads in one series.

I hate the way the Magic play. They (it?) are lazy on defense, relying on D12's shot-blocking too much. They shoot 500 treys a game and somehow make a lot of them. They don't push the tempo as much as they should. This team isn't going to out-scheme anybody. If they win, it's because they have more energy or they're more athletic.

I wasn't sure which team I wanted the Cavs to face in the conference finals. Slaughtering the Celtics in four or five games would be juicy sweet, and even without Kevin Garnett, you got the sense they were a better team than the Magic. On the other hand, Orlando plays that pre-Chauncy Billups Nuggets style, an infuriating concoction of ignorance of fundamentals and how-the-fuck-did-he-make-that shots. The old Nuggets gave the Cavs fits, and I bet this series goes at least six games because of it. But knocking out such a juvenile brand of basketball would give me great pleasure, too.

It is what it is. We have to go through Orlando to get to the Finals. Given the playoff intensity, it should be fun. Let's get this thing under way.

Holy Shit Holy Shit Holy Shit

2009-05-13T12:21:00.002-04:00

Penguins.
Capitals.
Crosby.
Ovechkin.

Game 7.

Holy shit.

Do it.

These are the voyages

2009-05-08T03:06:00.021-04:00

In times like this, who can really afford an IMAX ticket? Or a movie ticket, period? You're asking us to shell out $13 for a two-hour film? I don't care how good it looks, that's absurd.

And since movies are often a reflection of society, what kind of dilapidated society are we living in, anyway? Last summer, The Dark Knight mowed over the competition with brute force, which means people turned out in droves to see a movie about a nasty world where our heroes are destroyed and chaos reigns supreme. The Joker took the initiative to show how flimsy the morals of the lawmakers and peacekeepers were, and that in desperate times, the only solution is to stop living by rules. And here's the twisted part. In our current economic climate, couldn't you argue that of all the characters, the Joker was the most reasonable?

It's not just the superheroes, either. Last year's Oscars were dominated by death (No Country For Old Men), greed and ruthlessness (There Will Be Blood), corruption (Michael Clayton), and past sins (Atonement). As John Stewart famously quipped at the ceremony, "Does this town need a hug?"

It very well may, and if that's the case, then we all need a hug. People are losing their jobs, their homes and their faith in the system. Confidence is sagging, paranoia is spreading and desperation is starting to set in. Our entertainment is reflecting those conditions.

The simple truth is there's not a lot of optimism in the world right now.

Star Trek hopes to change that.

I. The hull of the ship

You've seen the people with Vulcan ears and severe overbite, with Starfleet apparel and thick glasses, with plastic phasers and bad hygiene. These people -- not-so-affectionately dubbed "Trekkies" -- have represented Star Trek to mainstream audiences for four decades. Star Trek has become a nerd haven, a subject for geeks to lord over other members of society. The original series, its four offshoots and the movie franchise are a gated community, accessible only to those willing to sacrifice their "normal" reputation among peers and be labeled as true dorks.

Such divisiveness is a real shame, considering the original series was largely about coming together.

Take yourself back to the 1960s for a moment. Here was a show about space travel, a buoyant topic at the time, with a crew that featured two white men, an alien, a black woman, an Asian, a Russian (nee Soviet) and a Scot -- all during the century's most tumultuous social climate, when Vietnam, the Cold War and racial tensions were at their peak.

As the USS Enterprise zipped from planet to planet, most episodes highlighted the pros and cons of human nature. Witness "The Enemy Within", during which Captain Kirk splits into two separate beings (one gentle, one evil) due to a transporter malfunction, and later bravely declares that the evil side is an important part of mankind's ability to lead. Or consider "Arena", in which a powerful alien race seizes the Enterprise and a ship it's chasing and pits Kirk in an unarmed battle against the other ship's reptilian captain, an act that shames their primitive conflict and shows humanity still has a lot of growing to do.

Star Trek: The Original Series only lasted three years, and while there are several reasons it got cancelled, I suspect one of the biggest is that people simply didn't want to hear the truth. We are a seriously flawed race, but we do the best we can. Rarely did a Star Trek episode end on a negative note, which hints that while mankind is far from perfect, we can work together for a brighter future.

That's what director J.J. Abrams and his crew have retained. Optimism was always the foundation of the television series, the hull of the Enterprise, so to speak.

I doubt the non-dorks ever figured that out.

II. People can be very frightened of change

Those words, delivered by Captain James T. Kirk at the end of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, are a good way to describe reaction to the new Kirk.

In the pop culture lexicon, few roles are more synonymous with one person. Before William Shatner evolved into, well, William Shatner, he was the cocky, resourceful captain of the Enterprise with a boyish charm and the ability to make tough decisions (not to mention that speech cadence).

As the new Star Trek movie arrives, so does a group of fresh faces playing familiar roles, and none of them face more pressure than 28-year-old Chris Pine. At first glance, he's got Kirk's look and swagger. But is he a guy you'd want to follow into battle? Pine himself has posed that very question, and as it turns out, we're all going to find out together.

One of Star Trek's keynotes is the transformation of Kirk from a rebellious Iowa farm boy to the confident captain of the Enterprise, and it's a tricky role. We've never seen this story before; it dates back to before the first episode of the original series. Pine has to grow without growing too much, because part of what makes Kirk Kirk is his brash attitude and unshakable demeanor. He'll be a punk kid early on, but will Pine be able to keep the kid while losing the punk?

A large part of the movie hinges on it. Pine has chosen to retain Shatner's "humor, arrogance and decisiveness" while incorporating elements of other characters in his performance, such as Indiana Jones, Han Solo and Maverick from Top Gun.

Pine clearly understands that he's playing Captain Kirk and not William Shatner, which is most important.

And the early returns look like a welcome change.

III. G'day, mates

Captain Kirk isn't the only one being recast for a whole new generation.

Zachary Quinto actively pursued the role of Spock, Kirk's half-human, half-Vulcan sidekick science officer. Only this time, there's a great struggle taking place between those pointy ears.

The writers, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, breathe new life into Spock by presenting him as a conflicted youth, frustrated in his devotion to strict Vulcan logic and abandonment of human emotion. As he learns to govern those emotions, he blows up at Kirk and does all sorts of things that will likely make Star Trek purists cringe.

But that's the point. Like Kirk, Spock isn't himself yet. We know the character from 40 years of television and movies, but everyone grows up at some point or another.

Well, most of us do. Karl Urban's portrayal of Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy finds Kirk's confidante as grouchy and funny as ever, playing the skeptic to just about everything that befalls the Enterprise crew. Bones meets Kirk at Starfleet Academy, so we'll get to see how their brotherly bond developed, and also watch Urban sidestep his tough-guy background and cavort around as the cynical doctor.

Linguistics expert Uhura is given a larger role of the hands of Zoe Saldana, whom Abrams requested specifically for the part. John Cho is the new Sulu, flaunting his fencing skills and representing "all of Asia" on the Enterprise. Pale-skinned Anton Yelchin is the new Chekov, a curious choice who has already adopted the Russian's accent and oddities. And don't even get me started on Simon Pegg as Scotty. I wouldn't recommend eating before the movie, you'll probably lose your lunch laughing.

One by one, the crew we know and love will assemble on the new Enterprise. Hopefully we'll grow to love them just as much as the original team.

IV. Eric Bana and the time-tossed Romulans

No villainous alien race pestered the original crew as much as the Klingons. Thank God they're not the primary antagonists of Star Trek.

Tensions between the United States and Russia have cooled, so there's no longer a place for the Soviet parallel, and this animalistic culture got its time to shine in Star Trek III: The Search For Spock and Star Trek VI, not to mention a number of original series episodes.

This time around, the enemies are Romulans, the distant cousins of Vulcans meant to evoke a space-age Roman civilization. And in an increasingly welcome blockbuster tradition, these villains actually have logical motives and aren't all-powerful miscreants out for galactic domination.

Eric Bana plays Nero, a blue-collar Romulan driller who is tossed back to the past through a black hole. But Nero isn't a happy camper. In the future, he and his co-workers have been screwed by the United Federation of Planets, and Kirk and Spock in particular are multiple offenders.

Now, these new-look Romulans have been gifted a morally fascinating opportunity: destroy Kirk and Spock and the Federation planets before they ever screw them over in the first place.

It seems that the Romulans' gargantuan power drill does most of the dirty work, and a European teaser poster shows it plunging into the water near the Golden Gate Bridge -- an ominous image, considering Starfleet Academy is based in San Francisco.

The Romulans have never gotten their due as top-tier Trek villains, and hopefully that's about to change with their starring role in Star Trek.

V. Star Trek, for the non-Trekkie

One thing that early reviews have universally praised is the accessibility of the new film. As mentioned before, the whole franchise has become such a geek gala that the mainstream viewer has been turned off by the mere mention of the name "Star Trek."

This film, on the other hand, is Star Trek for the non-Trekkie. Abrams has openly admitted to being just a casual fan of the original series, and as frightening as that sounded at first, his rewiring of Gene Roddenberry's creation might be the very thing that kick-starts this stalled franchise.

There's a young, good-looking cast. There's a spiffed-up Enterprise, complete with an Apple Store bridge. There are no cheap camera tricks or laughable costumes with visible zippers, only big-budget visual effects and action to spare.

There's also a sizeable cameo by one of Star Trek's chief ambassadors to bridge the gap. Leonard Nimoy, the original Spock, reprises his role as the future version of Quinto. It's a good bet he has something to do with the young crew recognizing and stopping the Romulans' plan, and it doesn't hurt when Nimoy, who has long tried to distance himself from the character, picked this film to make his return and gave it his full endorsement.

Nimoy's presence is one of several things that will make classic Trek fans feel right at home. The infamous Kobayashi Maru test makes an appearance. Spock still tells people to "Live long, and prosper." Rumors abound of the most spectacular (and hilarious) redshirt death in the history of the franchise.

Appealing to newcomers and seasoned Trekkers alike is not an easy feat, and if Abrams pulls it off, it'll be an impressive achievement.

It means that people will come together, which is a big point the movie is trying to make.

VI. You've earned this

It won't be easy to watch Star Trek at first. Kirk and Spock will hate each other's guts. The crew will be unsure of one another. They'll have to deal with a bunch of pissed-off Romulans who want them dead. Abrams himself has remarked, "I didn't love Kirk and Spock when I began this journey, but I love them now."

That's the idea. Is there any better way to reintroduce classic characters than to grow with them on their maiden voyage?

That's the mindset of Orci and Kurtzman, who (Transformers involvement notwithstanding) seem to have picked the perfect vantage point to reapproach Star Trek, along with producers Damon Lindelof and Bryan Burk.

Audiences are going to earn a place aboard the Enterprise. They're going to endure the growing pains. The moment that Kirk and Spock learn to trust each other and work together will be all the more rewarding.

Character-driven storytelling is a staple of Star Trek and a lost commodity these days. The new movie won't have time to pose interesting scientific questions like the original series did, but hey, the cast and crew (excluding Abrams) are signed on for two sequels.

From the moment John F. Kennedy mobilized America in the space race, the world of Star Trek has seemed fantastic but not necessarily far-fetched. With all the progress we've made in space exploration, its vision of the future seems more and more plausible.

Maybe by the mid-23rd century we'll have arrived at that point.

For now, I'm optimistic that we'll get there.

A Quick Observation

2009-05-07T00:19:00.003-04:00

When I watch Kobe Bryant play basketball and make contested jump shots, and then act like he's the toughest shit on the block, I want to take a baseball bat to his knees. Then I remember that he's more than likely despised by all of his teammates, is an obsessive image freak, and in truth is probably going to go down as one of the most reviled elite athletes of all time, right up next to Barry Bonds. Oh, and I remember that his wife owns him now, he's a delusional human being, and he wants desperately for everyone to love him and call him the greatest ever. It's comforting knowing that no one outside of L.A. with a functional brain will ever love him, and that there's no chance for him to be considered the best ballplayer of all time.

Oh, and I also think to myself, "Why does a guy that came from a wealthy, ritzy suburb of Philly try to act tough? It just makes no sense." I laugh some more.

By the way, Ron Artest is my favorite player ever.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2009-05-06T23:12:00.002-04:00

Kris Pooty Letang...WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

One for the road

2009-05-04T14:37:00.006-04:00

As first reported by FLS in the post below, Cavaliers forward and basketball deity LeBron James is going to win his first league MVP award today, with the official announcement expected this afternoon at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron.

It's been a three-horse race all season between LeBron, last year's MVP Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade. LeBron's numbers (28.4 points, 7.6 rebounds and 7.2 assists) are all better than his career averages, which is remarkable considering he's actually had to do less this season with a more talented roster at his disposal.

In all honesty, LeBron is second on my own personal ballot, simply because I saw Dwyane Wade do for Miami this season what LeBron has done most of his career, i.e. damn near kill himself dragging a crappy roster to places it has no business being. It's my contention that LeBron James was the league MVP in 2005-06, when it went to Steve Nash, and last season, when it went to ol' Sunshine out here in Los Angeles. As always, the voters put way too much stock in the Cavs' win total those years (50 and 45, FYI), and the awards went elsewhere.

But my ballot doesn't mean shit, and the award is more than deserved. LeBron can cross off "MVP" from his to-do list, which means there's only one thing left to win.

That's what really matters. Everyone can tell you how many titles Michael Jordan won, or Magic Johnson, or Bill Russell, or Shaquille O'Neal. No one can tell you how many league MVP awards they won, and no one really cares.

This six-month night out with the Cavs has been a lot of fun, and this award is like one last Irish car bomb before you leave the bar to go home and hammer a hot chick.

That hot chick is the championship. Let's seal the deal.

Breaking News According to Sportscenter

2009-05-04T10:17:00.003-04:00

If DJMJ can write about my city's superstar, I'll come out with this:

I'm watching Sportscenter right now, and Brian Windhorst of the Cleveland Plain Dealer is reporting that LBJ will receive his first MVP award this afternoon.

Bout damn time, I'd say.

A foreword for the forwards

2009-05-02T12:52:00.004-04:00

I gotta come clean. I don't really like Sidney Crosby. He's a great scorer and an even better passer, I get that. But I hate his slithery style. I hate how he gets rattled by the smallest hint of physicality, and second assists certainly help his rep. Having Evgeni Malkin basically as his bodyguard and running mate doesn't hurt, either, and Crosby plays in Pittsburgh, which is grounds for me lobbing flaming bags of dog shit at him on its own.

But Crosby has an insatiable habit of kicking his game up several notches when the stakes are highest, and with Alexander Ovechkin and the second-seeded Capitals lining up across the ice, he knows that this series will go a long way (right or wrong) toward determining who's the better superstar.

With that in mind, and with NBC HD in my living room, it's time to get this souped-up playoff series going.

I wouldn't expect too much of that.

FINALLY...

2009-04-28T23:33:00.004-04:00

...the Rock HAS COME BACK to Cleveland!

I see you have an 11-game win streak, Boston Red Sox. I'll tell you what you can do with your win streak.

Take that win streak...

shine it up real nice...

turn that sumbitch sideways...

AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP
YOUR CANDY ASS

GO TRIBE

Cleveland Rocks

2009-04-22T17:43:00.004-04:00

Now, DJMJ is more than permitted to tout his city and his teams when they're in the playoffs, especially when they're going up against a team representing the unholy cesspool that is Detroit. To that end, let me share with you the best Cleveland Tourism video that I've ever seen. At this time, I'll refrain from naming the nine million other sites that have already linked to this.

Tangible proof that Laker fans are douchebags

2009-04-22T03:13:00.005-04:00

This is Mario Ruiz.

Mario is a "musician" based in Hollywood who's been steadily cranking out rap music with all of Jay-Z's bravado and none of his talent.

His latest creation is equivalent to a hip-hop barf bag, one minute and 12 seconds' worth of stomach-churning Laker love that could only be appreciated by other douchebags wearing yellow and purple shit.

Here are some of his genre-splotching lines:

This is our year, Lakers baby
Utah can't stop us baby
NBA playoffs baby
L.A. be goin' crazy

Sad thing is, it probably took him more than 30 seconds to write that.

Got one goal in sight
Kobe wants ring number four, right
You know L.A. got your back, right
Staples Center jam-packed on game night

I've never quite understood why an entire fan base gives so much love to a guy who doesn't give it back.

I'm talkin' about Kobe
Best stand back, Andrew Bynum's back

That doesn't even rhyme.

We run L-A

Oh, I get it. The song "I Love L.A." plays after every Laker win, and you've gone and twisted it with hip-hop macho slang. Groundbreaking.

Apparently, Mario is signed with Pompous Pack Entertainment. I have no idea who they are, but they sure sound friendly.

Here's a link to Mario's MySpace page. Just check out the music box next to his profile picture and click the song called "We Run LA (Lakers Remix)" to hear Mario's audible abortion.

The worst part is that people around Los Angeles are actually rallying around this shit. The guys at 710 ESPN are absolutely in love with it, and southern Californians are playing it left and right. I don't get it. Maybe I'm not gangsta enough.

Then again, I'm not a douchebag. Which is more than I can say for this guy.

Yeeeeah.

Mike Brown is a better basketball coach than you are

2009-04-21T02:46:00.004-04:00

He has the award to prove it.

Brown was named NBA Coach of the Year today after leading the Cavs to the best regular season in franchise history and the No. 1 overall seed in the playoffs. His defense-first philosophy has turned Cleveland into one of the NBA's top defensive teams every year. He's also wisely deferred to his assistants when it comes to running the offense. Oh, and that LeBron fellow chipped in a little bit, too.

LeBron will probably get his first MVP award in a few weeks, and he's a dark horse for Defensive Player of the Year, too. It all means jack shit without the Larry O'Brien Trophy, but it's a great time to be a Cavs fan nonetheless.

Smile for the cameras, coach. You earned it.

Now I'm gonna go eat some pot cookies.

Reminder

2009-04-20T23:29:00.001-04:00

The Pirates are 7-6. Fuck yeah.

End transmission.

You know the rules...and so do I

2009-04-18T19:22:00.006-04:00

What's up y'all. My name's Mikey T, and I'm one of the badass members of Piston Nation.

We got Game 1 against the Cavs today, but I can't see it cuz I'm too busy cookin' crabs for minimum wage down at the Long John's on Warren Ave. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna hop back into the manager's office and log on to the Pistons' site to see how shit's goin'.

Okaaaay...gimme one second here, y'all.

Mm-hmm, click on "scoreboard"...okay...

There we go.

Huh?

YOU JUST GOT RICK ROLL'D

LET'S GO CAVS

Top-seed turvy

2009-04-14T02:09:00.004-04:00

That was me, for a bigger portion of this afternoon/evening than I care to admit.

No, wait. Screw that. I admit it. I was glued to my computer screen, which had the Cavs-Pacers gamecast on it, which was the only way for me to follow the game.

By defeating Indiana 117-109, the Cavs improved to 66-15 and clinched the No. 1 overall seed in the NBA. Considering our 39-1 home record, that's a handy asset heading into the playoffs.

I was stoked immediately after the game ended, but now I'm sort of over it. It's a tremendous accomplishment, so I felt it deserved a post. Now we've got the top seed. What are we going to do with it?

There's more work to be done.

Somebody call the WAAAAAHMBULANCE

2009-04-13T02:49:00.010-04:00

Did you catch the Cavs game today? Where we massacred the Celtics by 31 points on national television?

By the fourth quarter, everyone not dressed in green was dancing, including Cleveland's two most important players...

Delonte West is the owner of that arm all the way to the right. He was grooving to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" as well, albeit with less coordination than Bron and Mo.

Turns out Celtics guard Ray Allen didn't take too kindly to the Cavs' celebrations in the non-eventful fourth quarter. I'm sorry, Ray. I must have been distracted by the tradition at the new Garden that finds you guys busting a move to the Bee Gees' "You Should Be Dancing" at the end of victories.

Or maybe it was the elbow you threw squarely into Anderson Varejao's nutsack in the third quarter, retaliation for what you claim was Andy throwing you to the ground but what the cameras showed was a mild tangle-up.

Andy even had something funny to say about it after the game:

"He doesn't like Brazilians, or maybe he doesn't like my hair."

Haha, good stuff. Not quite as good as your "Chosen 2" shenanigans, but I like the charisma.

I don't like Ray Allen's attitude, and to be honest, today was the most fun I've had watching a Cavs game this season. Maybe ever.

This new batch of Celtics is starting to piss me off. Kevin Garnett is a tremendous competitor, and he's still one of my favorite players. But Paul Pierce is a cowardly, gigantic douche who was gift-wrapped a pair of all-stars to help rescue his floundering career. Allen is less dangerous shooter and more bitter old man. The rest of the group flaunts a false bravado as long as they have their three stars to hide behind.

As a fan, I don't usually get too hyped about blowouts. I've been on the shitty end more times than I care to remember. But I savored every second of today's succulent slaughter. The Celtics are an asshole franchise that thinks it's entitled to everything. Don't take my word for it. Read Bill Livingston's excellent column from Sunday's Plain Dealer.

History will probably look back and pinpoint some specific moment when this generation of Cavs and Celtics became true rivals. I hadn't bought into it since the formation of the new Big Three, because frankly, we haven't beaten them in any meaningful fashion, not to mention the games were hotly contested but never veered outside the realm of respect.

Well the Celtics officially piss me off. This rivalry is on.

We want you green-and-white fucksticks in the Conference Finals.

It's gon' be a good day, tater

2009-04-10T15:49:00.006-04:00

Two huge events on the Cleveland sports agenda today.

First, the Cavs can clinch the No. 1 seed in the Eastern Conference and go up a full game on the Lakers for best overall record with a win tonight in Philadelphia. Our last meeting with the Sixers capped our unholy destruction tour in November and December, and they're a better team now that's fighting to get into the 4/5 matchup in the East.

The good news is that Ben Wallace returned on Wednesday against Washington, and the rotation of Big Ben, Big Z, Anderson Varejao and Joe Smith presents several matchup problems and makes other front lines look lilliputian in comparison. There would be a certain poeticism to losing tonight and slaughtering the Celtics at the Q on Sunday to clinch the top overall seed, but home court the entire postseason is too important, considering our bed-shitting performances against the Lakers this season.

On another note, J.J. Hickson's back injury opened up a roster spot the Cavs filled with Jawad Williams, the Lakewood native who was cut midway through the season. He probably won't see the floor unless it's garbage time, but it's a feel-good story nonetheless. Unless you're J.J. Hickson's back.

Before that takes place, the Tribe faces the Blue Jays in the home opener at the Jake, er, Prog. Our starting pitching has been wretched, but the Rangers have a dynamite offense and they, along with the A's, inexplicably play well against us every time we face them.

Moral of the story, it's not panic time yet, especially not with hot young prospect Scott Lewis taking the mound. He was 4-0 last year with a 2.63 ERA, and with a win today he'd become the first Indians pitcher to win his first five starts since 19-fucking-20. That'd be pretty impressive.

The offense has been mashing reasonably well, Pronk's swing looks fairly clean and the defense has only committed one error through three games. Plus, Ben Francisco hit a meaningless home run the other day. Things are back to normal!

GO TRIBE

LET'S GO CAVS

It's time for Carl Pavano's first start!

2009-04-09T15:23:00.005-04:00

Cliff Lee got rocked on opening day. Fausto Carmona struggled in the second game.

That's OK, we've got the $11 million man CARL PAVANO closing out the series! Let's go Pavano!

C'mon and raze up

2009-04-07T01:11:00.007-04:00

I don't know how you can't have respect for North Carolina.

The tradition extends from Frank McGuire in the 1950s and '60s to Dean Smith's 36 seasons of outstanding accomplishment to Michael Jordan to Roy Williams' current run. It also extends off the court, from the passionate fan support to the fact that UNC, despite what cretinous Duke fans will tell you, is a pretty damn strong academic institution.

This is a program that demands excellence, from both its players and coaches. This is a program that, unlike Kentucky, gives its leaders a legitimate amount of time to make their mark (yes, including Matt Doherty). This is a program that, unlike UCLA, didn't go through a decade-long orgasm of championships it still clings to as we speak.

This program just won its fifth national title Monday evening with a dominant performance over Michigan State.

And with that said...

Fuck North Carolina.

All tournament long I had to listen to announcers and analysts talk about how last year's Final Four loss motivated this group, how Kansas ripped UNC's manhood from its loins and the Heels couldn't be complete until they got it back at Ford Field this April.

That's exactly what they did.

You did it, Tar Heel country. You reached the summit once again, with an expert coach and a roster laden with lottery talent. You fielded a team of the highest quality. Your organization is as efficient as it is successful. You know who you remind me of?

The Pittsburgh Steelers. The Philadelphia Phillies. The Boston Celtics.

You're a championship team. You're what Cleveland has dreamed about for 45 years.

Your North Carolina Tar Heels had more talent, athleticism and smarts than everyone else competing, and you took home a major title because of it. Make no mistake, there are only six "major" titles in North American sports: the Super Bowl, the World Series, the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup Finals, the BCS championship, and the NCAA Tournament championship. Nobody cares about anything else on a year-to-year basis. Nothing else leads Sportscenter or headlines the news or makes Sports Illustrated's front cover.

You have one of those titles. One of those titles is what Cleveland wants.

The more times I watch other teams hoist a trophy -- even for sports in which Cleveland doesn't technically compete -- the more I identify with the plight. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning, run two miles and bust my ass at work. I'm going to do the same thing the next five days until the work week's over.

Why? Because life's about work. It's about doing things you don't want to do in order to accomplish things you do want. It's about being the best you can be, even when other people have what you want.

That applies to everyone. That applies to me, whether it's a Browns, Cavs or Indians championship or a high-profile journalism job.

Congratulations, North Carolina.

We're gunning for your fucking spot.

Would You Rather: A Creative Differences Test Post

2009-04-05T15:53:00.004-04:00

Normally, when trying out a new type of post, a blog would look to its comments to see whether or not people liked the feature. Since it's hard to divide by zero, I'll just decide whether I like this after it's posted.

Would You Rather is a dual DJMJ/FLS conception, asking the age-old questions and then attempting to answer them. For instance, "Would you rather be eaten by a shark, or burned alive," which happens to be today's installment, and so forth. They won't always deal with the macabre, and at times, they'll even be happy ones that deal with winning the lottery and subsequently purchasing an entire country. Giving today's opinion, it's FLS.

Without further ado, I present to you, "Would You Rather?"

There's something viscerally scary about getting eaten by a shark, I won't argue that. Perhaps this feeling is something promulgated by overly effective filmmakers and their legitimately frightening movies (I'm looking at YOU, Spielberg). I can't think of too many sensations worse than the one you'd have if you knew a hungry shark was bearing down on you. I'd pee my pants, for sure, and brace myself for a very interesting talk with God, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever it is up there. Seeing several rows of teeth, any two of which could cause a fatal wound by themselves, is a sobering reminder that, yes Virginia, you're gonna die.

More than just the actual fear of imminent death, which I've felt before when I had a midterm or something due, is the look of the monster that's about to murder you in a grotesque fashion. The shark does not care what you think, its eyes are the same blank black, the shark simply thinks you are a seal, until it bites into you and realizes that you taste awful, and likely spits you out, leaving grievous injuries that, if you don’t bleed out first, will attract other sharks to the area, and they will messily devour your body. The shark does not care, it will simply move on. Kind of like Andre Smith at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

All that said, all those awful images conjured up, getting eaten by a shark is a fucking picnic compared to being burned alive.

At least with a shark you have a fighting chance. A shark is a living creature. If you’re extraordinarily lucky, you can gouge a shark’s eye (Great White, of course, no other shark has ever attacked a person, ever) and make it turn fin and run. Your chances are about as good as the chances of you winning the lottery tomorrow, but you’ve got a shot, much like Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber. Fire? Fire is an inanimate object, Buster. Fire has no eyes to gouge, no teeth to offer quick and momentarily painless death, and no enemies except water (not likely that you’ll have any if you’re trapped and burning alive) and a complete lack of oxygen—wouldn’t you know it, that’ll kill you too!

Fire ends your life in a hideous, unimaginably painful fashion. Sure, people that have been burned and survived say that once the nerve endings are burned, you don’t feel a thing. Guess what, that doesn’t happen right away. You’ll be in for several minutes of pain during which you’ll be begging for a shotgun or some ricin. Better yet, if you should somehow survive, you’ll look like an extra from a zombie movie, and that’s if you’re lucky. Being burned alive sucks. Further still, say you get eaten by a shark—even if you die, you can get a few good shots in. It’s always been a personal fantasy of mine to punch a great white to death. Do you have any idea how long that would take? It would be awesome. Anyway, you get to take a few shots at the offending creature to make yourself feel better as you leap off this mortal coil. Maybe St. Peter (or Satan, who is very easily impressed) will have some encouraging words for you as you shuffle into the afterlife. Fire? You can punch fire all you want. It doesn’t have a body. It isn’t living. If you punch fire, you burn your hand. Fire blows.

Conclusion: I’d rather be eaten by a shark than burned alive ANY day.

The Diff, featuring a suspension of hostilities

2009-04-05T02:50:00.004-04:00

Editor's note: The Diff is a new every-other-day feature that tells you how things are going in my world at the moment. Topics in play are sports, entertainment and various other leisure activities. Sometimes I'm Bill Raftery, sometimes I'm Billy Packer. Let's go.

A moment of silence

For the three Pittsburgh officers slain in the line of duty Saturday morning in a suburban standoff. Browns fan, Steeler fan, it doesn't matter. Sports rivalries are totally insignificant in this light.

On a lighter note...

Michigan State upset UConn this afternoon and gave the city of Detroit -- really, the whole state of Michigan -- something to be happy about. I love talking smack about the Pistons, but the truth is that their rivalry with the Cavs isn't as fun when the Palace of Auburn Hills isn't jam-packed with Cavs-hating Piston fans. It hasn't been recently thanks to Michigan's crappy economy. Hopefully the economic upswings of the last couple weeks are here to stay.

Brian Windhorst owns all other NBA beat writers

Even when he's writing negatively about the Cavs. Check out his lead from Friday's game story after the Magic beat the living shit out of us:

ORLANDO, Fla. -- The Cavaliers were in their throwbacks Friday night, throwback to about 2002.

Golden. Just plain golden.

The Diff, featuring I-told-you-sos

2009-04-03T04:23:00.005-04:00

Editor's note: The Diff is a new every-other-day feature that tells you about how things are going in my world at the moment. Topics in play are sports, entertainment and various other leisure activities. Sometimes I'm 'Sheed, sometimes I'm his curious bald spot. Let's go.

Not that anybody asked...

...but Penn State just won the NIT by showing more skill, focus and heart than everyone else all tournament long. It's only the second postseason title in my alma mater's revolting basketball history, and I don't think there's any question that we should have been one of the seven Big Ten teams in the NCAA Tournament. Hey Final Four winner, WE GOT NEXT.

Speaking of Penn State...

My editor just gave me Blue-White weekend off, so I'm 99 percent certain I'll be flying back for the annual spring game. College football is our religion, and tailgating is our mass. Drink up, Nittany Nation.

Wizards of wavering play

If Cavs-Wizards was a rap battle, it'd go like this: the Cavs drop several ridiculously hot Jimmy Rabbit lines on the Wizards, then the Wizards counter with two lines about our moms that don't even rhyme but they talk shit like they totally dissed us anyway. Brendan Haywood made his season debut tonight, Gilbert Arenas saved the best performance of his head-scratching return for tonight, and thousands of fans got to pretend that one victory makes up for three straight postseason pink slips and the most losses in the league this year. Whatever casts your spell, Washington.

Sergeant Sulk gets to pout in the NFC North

Before Jay Cutler was traded to the Bears, I was ready to spin some cathartic yarn about the Browns taking a Bronco quarterback and winning the Super Bowl after a former Bronco quarterback prevented us from winning it three times. That dream has gone down the tubes, although I'm sure the trade isn't hitting me as hard as the guys over at KSK, who are now deprived of two guaranteed meetings every year between Cutlerfucker and his archenemy Marmalard.

Shameless stargazing

Several European teaser posters for the upcoming Star Trek reboot came to my attention, and one of them spoils what I believe was supposed to be a big reveal in the movie. You can read all about it in my forthcoming Star Trek treatise, which could appear anytime in April. *Pushes up glasses*

Gaga for GaGa

I heard that Lady GaGa song "Poker Face" at the bar again tonight. That song is everywhere. Bars, clubs, radio airwaves, sports arenas. Hell it's probably even JoePa's new power walking music.

April Fools!

2009-04-02T23:04:00.003-04:00

Here's an AWESOME April Fool's Day joke: The Denver Broncos traded Jay Cutler and a fifth round pick this year to the Chicago Bears for Kyle Orton, Two first round picks, and a third round pick. Isn't that fucking hysterical?? What a knee slapper. The Bears would have to be dumb as shit to give up that much for a floppy-haired wuss? I know I'd want an emotionally fragile douchebag as MY quarterback! Oh, man, what a good one. APRIL FOOLS WOOO!

Oh, you mean it really happened?

Excuse me for a moment.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD GOD is a roomful of chimps with cell phones running the show in Chicago? I LOVE this story.

The Diff, featuring hall-of-fame leads

2009-04-01T02:30:00.008-04:00

Editor's note: The Diff is a new every-other-day feature that tells you about how things are going in my world at the moment. Topics in play are sports, entertainment and various other leisure activities. Sometimes I'm Jerome Lane, sometimes I'm the backboard. Let's go.

Tom Withers knows his way around words

From his AP story about the Cavs-Pistons game tonight:

CLEVELAND (AP) - LeBron James fired down the lane at full speed, ignored Rasheed Wallace's feeble attempt to stop him and scored.

Cleveland's star then stood under the basket, flexing his biceps like a bodybuilder for all to admire.

Make no mistake, there's a new bully in the Central Division.

No finer way to kick off this new feature.

The Lakers don't know their way around Charlotte

For the sixth time in the last seven meetings, the Charlotte Bobcats beat the Los Angeles Lakers, knocking the Lakers three games behind the Cavs in the race for best overall record with eight to play. But Team Gerald Wallace is still no match for Team Kobe on the Aggro Crag or the Hidden Temple Run.

Notre Dame knows it'd happen in football, too

Sixteen months after knocking the Fighting Irish all over the gridiron, my alma mater knocked the Fighting Irish all over the hardwood, further strengthening its case as an NCAA Tournament team. We can still play our way into that, right?

Should have pilfered a napkin

I had drinks and appetizers with a friend last night at the Beverly Wilshire, which is one of the most luxurious places in Los Angeles. My friend told me that some actor from Slumdog Millionaire was also there, but I was far more interested in choosing which fine culinary item to steal. I ended up taking a clear plastic drink stirrer and leaving other items that were actually embroidered with the Beverly Wilshire logo and would make my apartment seem less, well, slummy. Maybe I should see that movie after all.

File Twitter with Ipods

When it comes to most trendy pieces of technology, I'm no different from anyone else. I had a DVD player before the turn of the century. I have a Blackberry and a Bluetooth. I see all movies in IMAX now. I'm on Facebook and MySpace. I have this blog.

But one thing I absolutely cannot see myself using is this Twitter bullshit. Seriously? Random thoughts? At random times? With no discernable value to either the person posting or the person reading? Eat penguin shit, Twitter.

DJMJ Bracket Update

2009-03-27T03:06:00.007-04:00

In case you were wondering, yes, I'm still alive, and yes, I have an NCAA Tournament bracket.

I've more or less ceded the blog to FLS during the tournament because he knows more about college basketball than I do, as evidenced by my national champion going up in smoke tonight. I was foolishly convinced that Memphis could handle Missouri's blitzkrieg press. Well, Mizzou threw a big, shitty socket wrench into that theory. I also covered Tyreke Evans when he played high school basketball in Pennsylvania, and his 33 points were nice. The 4-to-5 assist-to-turnover ratio wasn't. My other three Final Four teams (Pitt, UNC, Loserville) are still alive, but Memphis' loss pretty much knocks me out of the running to win it all.

Luckily, I'm also in a round-by-round pool and I'm not doing too shabby. I'm going to ride a new team to the national championship:

That's right, me and this cute Carolina co-ed will be cheering for the same team the rest of the way, although the ACC's tournament contingent has been all but obliterated while the Big East has three teams already in the Elite Eight, with two more likely coming tomorrow.

I offer no defense for selling my soul to the national Tar Heel train except this: Tyler Hansbrough has made a career of beating Duke. That's awesome, and its awesomeness is beyond reproach.

I'm done talking. Just listen to FLS and forget we had this conversation.

Pirates Prospect's Wife a Threat to Steal at Any Time

2009-03-25T09:38:00.003-04:00

As is typical with the Pirates, they're making news for all the wrong reasons, even if the player mentioned did absolutely nothing wrong and could reasonably be assumed to have no knowledge whatsoever of what took place.

Jose Tabata, an outfielder acquired from the Yankees last summer as part of the Xavier Nady deal, and one of the top 3 prospects in the system, has a crazy wife, apparently. She's also 43. Forty-three, as in more than twice his age (He's 20). She's accused of generally being one crazy bitch, and trying to steal a baby.

Allegedly, the lovely Mrs. Tabata, Amalia Tabata Pereira, of Crazyville, pop. 1, posed as an immigration official and threatened the two-month old infant's mother with deportation, before offering to help her dodge the authorities. She did, however, say she had to take the baby as part of the plan.

Mrs. Tabata has a nice rap sheet that includes fraud and theft convictions (ambitious!) and has no listed hometown because her large amount of aliases makes it impossible to track everything down.

Jose Tabata is thriving for the Pirates this spring training. His strong play, coupled with good spring showings by Pedro Alvarez and Andrew McCutchen, has made Pirates fans borderline optimistic about the team in the years ahead. The only question about Tabata has been his maturity, which essentially is the reason he got put on the trading block by the Yankees. He'd been a model citizen during his time with the Pirates, but methinks maybe this wife of his was the source of all the craziness. Time to cut her loose, Jose, this is a career with the Pirates that's on the line, not just any shitty major league team.

Rank Em: Sweet 16 Combatants

2009-03-23T10:20:00.004-04:00

Typically, I hate power rankings in the NCAA Tournament. I could care less about figuring out who the best team is out of the 16 left. A big determining factor in who advances are the match-ups that happen. The second best team may very well get bounced in the round of 16 because they happened to have to play the best team. It's not an exact science. Nevertheless, these types of rankings are easy to do, and I'm lazy, so here you go:

(Rankings based on: Performance thus far, projected match-ups and personal bias)

1. UConn: It's hard to put them anywhere but number one, as they were the only top seed to vaporize everything in their path, laying waste to Chattanooga and Texas A&M. Now they get a Purdue team that doesn't have anyone to stop Hasheem Thabeet or A.J. Price, and look like a lock for the Elite 8, at least.

2. Louisville: The Cardinals need not be ashamed of their inability to put Siena away, as the Saints were probably the second or third-hardest second round draw for any team. Only Pitt and North Carolina can argue that they were playing a better squad. That said, Louisville's withering press continues to work for them, and as long as Terence Williams sustains his high level of play, and there's no reason to believe he won't, the 'Ville can expect a trip to the Final Four.

3. North Carolina: Love them or hate them, and I hate them because I can't stand the adulation heaped on Tyler Hansbrough, the Tar Heels ran into a very game LSU team and ended up winning comfortably in the final five minutes. Ty Lawson went nuts in the second half and hit every big shot for the Heels, and that bodes well for their chances to get all the way to the national title game.

4. Memphis: After getting the biggest scare this side of Pitt in the first round at the hands of Cal State Northridge, the Tigers rebounded by beating the snot out of Maryland, and in doing so looking like the team everyone expected them to be. If they can channel more of that play (or misguided anger at being properly seeded as a 2), we, the viewing nation, are headed for an epic West Regional Final.

5. Pittsburgh: Them being ranked outside of the top four slots is more due to their awful game against East Tennessee State than anything. They played a very underseeded Oklahoma State team in the second round and hung tough with them while they made every shot they looked at in the first half. That the Panthers pulled away in the late stages shows they still might yet be a threat to go all the way. A favorable Sweet 16 match-up with Xavier should allow them to put the Sweet 16 jinx to rest.

6. Villanova: If you judge them on their last 50 total minutes of basketball, they have to be the favorite to win the whole thing, not just the East Regional. However, they were playing their first two games on their home floor, in front of home fans. That surely did wonders for them against American, and couldn't have hurt against UCLA. Still, they ought to make the regional final, as Duke simply has no answer for them at most positions.

7. Michigan State: If any team has flown under the radar in this tourney, it's been the Spartans. Their win over Robert Morris was a ho-hum affair, and they survived a tough USC team that put forth a spirited effort, yet watching the game, I never felt they were in much trouble. They'll get all they want from Kansas, yet you have to think that their experience will win out over the young Jayhawks.

8. Oklahoma: Another case of a team flying under the radar. The Sooners have a tough run against Syracuse, and if Blake Griffin is in foul trouble, it's game, set, match. By the way, I admire Griffin for the way he avoids losing his temper on the court and subsequently committing a Class 3 felony, but his brother Taylor can suck it. What a whiny little bitch.

9. Duke: Their win over Texas was impressive, and as much as I hate to give credit to him, Jon Scheyer's save of a loose ball was probably the biggest play of the game for the Devils. That said, Scheyer's a fucking baby that looks like he was born with a trust fund spoon in his mouth, so I hope he gets punched in the teeth by someone sooner rather than later.

10. Syracuse: They keep on rolling, and are showing no sign of having residual dead legs from their Big East Tournament run. Hard to imagine any other Sweet 16 games being any better than their clash with Oklahoma and Duke's tussle with Villanova. If Eric Devendorf is going to give them elite level scoring, they'll roll past the Sooners and give North Carolina fits.

11. Kansas: Unfortunate pairing, having to go against Michigan State. If I'm a Kansas fan, I'm sad that I'm not seeing Louisville across the court from my team in this round. MSU's grinding, slow style is not one that Kansas plays well to, and I can't help but think that if they were playing an up and down game with Louisville that they'd have much better luck with it.

12. Missouri: A little unimpressed with their win, because Dominique James didn't really add anything to Marquette with his return, so the Tigers were squeaking by a depleted team that was really closer to a 10 seed than a sixth seed at this point in the proceedings. Still, they should give Memphis fits, as their up and down pressing style can force a lot of mistakes from a team without a great ballhandling point guard, and Memphis' Tyreke Evans is not a great ballhandler.

13. Arizona: Thought the Wildcats were destined for the 16 spot in these rankings, did you? Thought I'd continue to disrespect them, eh? No, they stay out of the cellar, but only because I already have a team in mind for that spot. The game against Louisville should expose all of their shortcomings, i.e. a turnover-prone point guard in Nic Wise, a single viable post presence who can't handle waves of bigs running at him in Jordan Hill, and a "leader" without much heart, in Chase Budinger. I'm not saying they'll get blown out, but I will be stunned if they beat the Cardinals.

14. Gonzaga: Count me in as one of the unimpressed. Western Kentucky was a very good team, better than their seed, but all these people that keep saying Gonzaga might beat UNC must be watching a different team than the one I'm seeing. I don't see any ability to play defense on this squad, whereas on UNC the ability is there, the desire is not. I predict Roy Williams gets the troops to play D on these guys, and the chronically crappy Austin Daye fails to take advantage of his inherent "match-up problemness" to score enough points for the Zags to win.

15. Xavier: They will struggle mightily against Pitt because they don't have a true point guard. Pitt doesn't play great D like their teams of a few years ago did, but they still are very good on that end, and the Musketeers' lack of a guy to initiate solid offensive sets will hurt. B.J. Raymond is going to have to shoot out of his mind for them to have a shot.

16. Purdue: Knocked off a tough Washington team, and that has to impress anyone, but they get Connecticut, and that's bad news. Chris Kramer is going to have to play the game of his life on A.J. Price, assuming the team is smart and assigns him to Price, for the Boilers to have even the slightest chance to spring the upset.

Sweet 16 Picks:

Midwest: Louisville, Michigan State

West: UConn, Memphis

East: Pitt, Villanova

South: UNC, Syracuse

Your Definitive NCAA Tournament Preview

2009-03-18T22:38:00.007-04:00

I promised it, and whether or not it gets to 10,000 words is irrelevant. If you want coverage of the NCAA tournament that is far too in-depth, this is the place. Why don’t we just dive right in and break this son of a bitch down, eh?

Midwest Region:

Favorite: Louisville

Impediments to their evil reign of terror: Wake Forest, West Virginia, Michigan State

Fun to Watch, to be sure: North Dakota State

Oh-ver-RAY-ted: Kansas

Let’s take a peek at each team, mm?

1. Louisville (28-5) Champion of the Big East, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all Kentucky (excepting Western Kentucky, whom they lost to)

Why you should bet the grocery money on them: Great athleticism from top to bottom, a solid if unspectacular big in Samardo Samuels, the match-up problem that is Earl Clark, and most of all, snubbed “should be” Big East POY, Terence Williams, a man of many talents, the least of which is knitting. If they’re hitting threes, they can beat anyone in the nation, and their defense is rock solid, to boot.

Why you’ll be pouring your heart out to a homeless bum about them: If they’re not making threes, they’re very vulnerable. Edgar Sosa, their point guard, is streaky at best, and downright not good at worst. He’s the type of player that can singlehandedly kill a good team. Kind of like number one on this list.

2. Michigan State (26-6) Regular Season Big Ten Champion, loser of a game to Penn State.

Why they might get you laid: Big Ten POY Kalin Lucas is no joke, never mind the fact that Penn State’s Talor Battle deserved the award, a great passing big man in Goran Suton, and athleticism bursting at the rest of the positions on the floor.

Why you’ll end up with blue balls, like you always do: Terrible matchup for them in the form of either Kansas or West Virginia in the Sweet 16. Can’t score nearly well enough to compete with the other top seeds in the bracket, and just don’t have the talent overall to win this thing. Oh, and UNC beat them by like 100 points earlier this year, so I have to put that in the negative column.

3. Kansas (25-7) Lost to BAYLOR in the Big 12 Tournament. BAYLOR.

Why you might have a bounce in your step because of them: Sherron Collins is a beast of a player and deserves a ton of credit for leading a very young team that had to replace all five starters from last year’s national champ. Cole Aldrich is a solid big man, and they’ve got the Morris twins inside, who might or might be distant relatives of Old Tom Morris.

Why you’ll be singing show tunes in a stranger’s shower, drunk and nude: They’re too young and they lost to Baylor when they still had some sort of seeding on the line. Not championship behavior. Too inconsistent to be a real big threat.

4. Wake Forest (24-6) ACC, don’t like to pay their bills on time.

Why they can cover your mortgage: Beat UNC, beat Duke, have a TON of talent all over the team, and most importantly, their best player, Jeff Teague, is a guard, and we all know how ridiculously important good guard play is in the NCAA Tourney. A legit Final Four Dark Horse.

Why you’ll be in therapy: Spate of bad losses, including Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami (by 27!) and NC State. Precisely none of those teams are in the Big Dance. This does not bode well for them, at least in the early rounds.

5. Utah (24-9) Mountain West Champion, young, dumb and full of cum.

Why you’ll want to be their baby daddy: They’ve got a deceptively good team hidden out there in Utah, and they’ve got a legitimate big time player in Aussie big man Luke Nevill. That alone is reason to think they might be able to make a little bit of noise in this thing.

Why you’ll want to mainline anti-freeze into your system: Sorry, but they couldn’t have gotten a worse first-round draw. They have Arizona, a team no one thinks should be in, and therefore, a team with a chip on its shoulder. Bad news for the Utes.

6. West Virginia (23-11) Big East Noisemaker, drinkers of moonshine.

Why you’ll want to move to Morgantown (yeah right): Tons of talent, and lots of athleticism and length on the team, great on the offensive glass. When they’re hitting shots in general, they are the quality of a 2 seed. Occasionally play a 1-3-1 zone that can really cause problems (see Panthers, Pittsburgh). Great blend of fearless young players and savvy veterans.

Why you’ll be forced to kiss your sister: If they’re not hitting shots, they’re just not very good. Sounds simple, but there’s probably no team in the tourney that this statement applies more to. They can be bothered by teams with a strong inside presence.

7. Boston College (22-11) Conqueror of UNC and Duke, loser to Harvard

Why you’ll be creaming your pants in delight: They’ve got a big-time player in guard Tyrese Rice, even if he shoots the ball way too fucking much (scientific term). As said two lines up, they beat UNC, in the Dean Dome, and they took care of Duke. As will be repeated ad nauseum for the rest of this piece, if you have good guard play, you have a shot.

Why they’ll give you hemorrhoids: Rice, for all his prolific scoring, takes approximately 12.5 billion shots per game, so if he isn’t hitting, they’re not winning. Also, they lost to Harvard after beating the Tar Heels. I prefer my teams have a little more focus than a group of pre-schoolers.

8. Ohio State (22-10) Definition of a team I could care less about

Why you might be giving noogies to all your friends: They’ve got plenty of talent, which has become the norm in the Thad Matta era, including guys like Evan Turner and Jon Diebler, who can really fill it up. I’ve also heard that Diebler makes a delicious quiche.

Why you’ll be begging to end the suffering: B.J. Mullens, a guy who, from what I’ve seen, falls into the annoying category of “potentially good as a pro,” is a shitty college player who thinks he’s good. He’s so good he’s averaging 9 and 4.5 this year, even though he’s 7 feet tall and 275 pounds. He also doesn’t lack for confidence, but he should, because he’s a shithead.

9. Siena (26-7) Return of the MAAC

Why you’ll be squealing like a schoolgirl on prom night: Legit star in the person of Kenny Hasbrouck. They’re a hard-nosed team that put up at least a fight against Pitt earlier this year, and lest we forget, last year they took Vanderbilt behind the woodshed and went all “Deliverance” on them. And that was as the 13 seed.

Why you’ll be cleaning carpets for the rest of your life: They ought to get by Ohio State in the first round, but then there’s the tiny problem of Louisville. I’d love to pick Siena in that game, but let’s be honest, probably ain’t happenin.

10. USC (21-12) Champions of the Pac-10

Why you’ll be accepting improper benefits: Stud freshman DeMar DeRozan is a catalyst for these guys, and they’ve got a vastly underrated big man in Taj Gibson, who nearly averages a double-double. Daniel Hackett and Dwight Lewis also provide legitimate scoring punch.

Why you’ll be giving handjobs for crack: Outside of the traditional, eminently hate-worthy blueblood programs, is there a more unlikeable team than USC? Tim Floyd has no control over the program, shadiness abounds at every turn, and they’re the subject of pretty much every Outside the Lines that deals with college hoops. Oh, and Daniel Hackett is kind of a bitch.

11. Dayton (26-7) Atlantic 10 Flameouts

Why you’ll be dancing in a spring meadow: They’re the definition of a solid middle-quality conference team. They’ve got a very good inside presence in Chris Wright, and they defend all over the court. What’s more, they’re experienced and won’t be intimidated by anyone.

Why you’ll be laying face-down in a gutter in Calcutta: They have an awful first-round match-up with West Virginia, and they can’t score to save their lives. Only two guys average in double figures, and that just isn’t anywhere near enough.

12. Arizona: (19-13) Totally don’t deserve to be here

Why you’ll be eating sweet rhubarb pie all day long: The Wildcats possess easily the nation’s best albino scorer in Chase Budinger, and also get solid inside work from Jordan Hill and decent point guard play from Nic Wise, even if Wise has an uber-shitty 1.6/1 assist-to-turnover ratio. Plus, they’ve been hearing about how they don’t belong in the tournament, so maybe they’ll be out to prove something.

Why you’ll be skipping stones on a pond because your best girl just dumped you: Then again, it is Arizona, and part of the reason they were only 19 and 13 is because they don’t give two shits half the time. Could very well happen in the tourney.

13. Cleveland State (25-10) Horizon League Champion

Why you’ll actually want to move to Cleveland: Two of the coolest names in college hoops play for the Vikings: J’Nathan Bullock and Norris Cole. It helps that these two are their leading scorers, and are solid, smart players. The Vikings also had to win their way in against Butler, so they’re used to playing for high stakes. Plus, Cedric Jackson gave us this memory.

Why you’ll be found dead in Cleveland: They’re a “good” team, but they’re playing a “very good to great” team in the form of Wake Forest. They could spring the upset, but I don’t see it happening.

14. North Dakota State (26-6) Summit League Champion

Why you’ll be eating steak and drinking dark beer: Ben Woodside, the best player you’ve heard about and still never seen, is quite a scorer. He dropped 60 in a losing effort against Stephen F. Austin earlier this year, and, having said that, I can’t count them out against Kansas.

Why it’s back to boiled leather and shoelaces for you: If Woodside doesn’t hit for at least 25 in the first round, they are done. To be fair, if he doesn’t hit for 35, they’re probably done as well.

15. Robert Morris (24-10) Northeast Conference Champion

Why you’ll have a school named after you: They’ve got the conference player of the year in Jeremy (don’t call me Dave) Chappell, and they’ve also got the conference defensive player of the year in Bateko Francisco.

Why you can’t always get what you want: They won those awards in the Northeast Conference. If you saw them play their conference title game, well, I hope your eyes are feeling better.

16. Morehead State (20-15) Ohio Valley Conference Champion

Why you’ll finally have a 16 going over a 1: They’ve got big man Kenneth Faried, who averages a double-double and is, by all accounts, a bad man. They also have some other players that are, you know, good, like leading scorer Leon Buchanan.

Why you can go home now, show’s over: They have more turnovers than assists this year. They’re playing Louisville, a team that thrives on turnovers and blew them out once already this year. I’m not a math major, but this is not a good combination.

Midwest Region Picks:

First Round: Louisville, Siena, Arizona, Wake Forest, West Virginia, Kansas, Boston College, Michigan State

Second Round: Louisville, Wake Forest, West Virginia, Michigan State

Third Round: Wake Forest, West Virginia

Regional Champ: Wake Forest

Most Outstanding Player: Jeff Teague, Wake Forest

West Region

Favorites: UConn, Memphis

Potential spike strips: Missouri, but that’s a stretch

Fun to watch, at least: Probably Missouri there too

1. Connecticut (27-4) Big East Flunky

Why you’ll get a hummer from a supermodel: Even without leading scorer Jerome Dyson, the Huskies still have Hasheem Thabeet to utterly alter the game inside, unless of course the game is played against DeJuan Blair, in which case he’s helpless, and clutch shooter A.J. Price. Their region is also pathetically easy, so it’s hard to imagine them not playing in the Elite 8.

Why you’ll be hiding from a wooden spoon beating at the hands of your mother: Without Dyson, UConn loses a dimension and a lot of what made them “special”. It’s very difficult to imagine them getting by Memphis, and therefore making a
significant run, with their current squad.

2. Memphis (31-3) Conference USA Titan

Why they’re’ the best thing since sliced bread: Since Tyreke Evans took over the point guard slot early in the year, Memphis has been on a tear to the tune of 25 straight wins. Granted, most of those teams were about as good as Little Sisters of the Poor, but it’s still a 25-game winning streak. They also have proven players in Robert Dozier, Shawn Taggart and Antonio Anderson and a damn good coach in John Calipari.

Why you’ll be forced to watch the Stupids with your eyelids taped open: If they play a team with a reasonable amount of athleticism that won’t be intimidated by them, i.e. any of the big name teams from the ACC or Big East, they’ll be in for a big
battle.

3. Missouri (28-6) Big 12 Enigma

Why you’ll escape from New York with Kurt Russell: They will press the unholy fuck out of you and make you like it. With Leo Lyons and DeMarre Carroll, they’ve got two solid scorers and big inside punch. And again, they will press the unholy hell out of you and win on sheer relentlessness.

Why you’ll be stuck on Cutthroat Island: I can’t really define it, but every time I’ve watched Missouri play this year, and I haven’t seen them play a whole game, but I haven’t been at all impressed with them. I know they play a tough style to contend with and that they’ve won big games against good teams this year, but I just can’t get on board with them.

4. Washington (25-8) Pac-10 Rainmaker

Why you’ll pop in your Nirvana CD and rock out: Brockman, Dentmon and Thomas. Not a law firm, but Washington’s three best players. And their fourth best player is Quincy Pondexter, an accountant. Freshman Isaiah Thomas hasn’t tried to kill himself and is a very good player. Jon Brockman is a beast on the boards, and really, they snuck in under the radar to be really good this year.

Why you’ll be drinking acid out of a hose: All that said, they aren’t a terribly impressive team, at least in this bracket. Plus, they run into a solid Purdue team if chalk holds into the second round, and that doesn’t bode too well for them.

5. Purdue (25-9) Big Ten Champion

Why you’ll be driving around in your new Bentley: They have arguably the most athletic and best white player in the country, in the separate persons of Chris Kramer and Robbie Hummel. Kramer, in fact, is my hero, because he is 6 foot 3 and throws down thunder dunks on a regular basis.

Why you’ll be taking the bus with no change to spare: If Hummel’s back acts up, or leading scorer E’Twaun Moore has an off night, it’s good night time for the Boilers. Oh, and the same thing applies if they have to play UConn, and they will.

6. Marquette (24-9) Big East Heartbreaker

Why you’ll be getting your ankles taped by a gorgeous Swedish girl: Even without point guard and catalyst Dominique James, who was lost for the season in one of the few injury stories that actually made me feel bad, they still have a lot of firepower coming from Jerel McNeal, Wesley Matthews and Lazar Hayward.

Why you’ll be crying like a baby in your math teacher’s arms: They would have been a 3 seed with James, and a dark horse Final Four team to boot, but now it looks like they’re going to be cannon fodder for Missouri in the second round. When your best inside player goes about 6 foot 5, that’s usually not a great sign.

7. California (22-10) Pac-10 Mystery team

Why you’ll be reliving “The Play” over and over again: Jerome Randle is a very good guard that can take over games. As has been said a million times already (and will continue to be said when I don’t know a ton about a team), good guard play is the key to making a deep run in the tournament.

Why you’ll be crying big fat tears into your Lucky Charms: They play Maryland in the first round. Maryland has a better guard than Jerome Randle. Oops. Maybe YOU should have gone to Venezuela to find players, Cal.

8. Brigham Young (25-7) Mountain West Conference Mormon Contingent

Why you’ll be enjoying those wives all night long: They’ve got a very good guard in Lee Cummard, and are just a well-drilled, solid all around team. They play good defense and can score in bunches on occasion. They’re the kind of consistent, tough team that’s usually good for a win in this big ol’ dance.

Why you’ll be raided by the government: They draw Texas A&M in round one, and if TAMU gets hot, well, watch the fuck out, you crazy Mormons.

9. Texas A&M (23-9) Big 12 Average Team

Why you’ll be puffin on blunts and sippin on Tanqueray: The Aggies have Josh Carter, who happens to be a tremendous shooter of the basketball, and have a second good scorer in Donald Sloan. What’s more, they typically play decent defense and have some half-decent wins this year.

Why you’ll be moaning about having to live in College Station: If Carter doesn’t score, they struggle mightily to win games. BYU is the kind of team that has the ability to make this happen. Bad news for dem Aggies. But hey, at least they don’t have to deal with Billy Gillespie!

10. Maryland (20-13) ACC Roller-coaster bunch

Why they’ll be singing from College Park Georgia to College Park Maryland: Greivis Vasquez is one of the best backcourt guys in the country, and authored perhaps the best individual performance of the year with his triple-double against North Carolina, in a game that probably got the Terps into the tournament.

Why you’ll be sweating like Gary Williams: Vasquez is also one of the nation’s most mentally unbalanced players, which is not the best attribute to have if your team relies on you to do pretty much everything. Of course, this means he could go completely nuts and carry them to the Elite 8, but I’m not counting on it.

11. Utah State (30-4) Western Athletic Conference Champion

Why you’ll be racing across the Bonneville Salt Flats: Hey, they have 30 wins, and even though I know nothing whatsoever about them, I’m going to assume that means they’re at least a passable team. Even though they’ve done nothing particularly impressive all season, I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Why you’ll be getting molested by Karl Malone: Utah State hasn’t beaten anyone. Anyone. If you think they’re going to win, even against a depleted Marquette team, you are wrong. I am sorry to burst your bubble.

12. Northern Iowa (23-10) Missouri Valley Conference Champion

Why you’ll be beating the blues while you beat your meat: They get balanced scoring from five players, and they crawled through the hellhole that is the MVC and came out okay on the other side. Plus, they beat Illinois State three times this year, and no one else can say that.

Why you’ll be sitting in a pile of your own vomit, confused and alone: They aren’t a great offensive team, because their balanced scoring doesn’t necessarily mean high scoring. They aren’t nearly as talented as some teams in recent memory from the MVC,
and they’re just underwhelming overall.

13. Mississippi State (23-12) SEC Champion

Why you’ll be living large like Bob: They’ve got the nation’s best shot-blocker in Jarvis Varnado, and they won the fucking SEC, dude. Plus, they’re a major conference team, and we all know that major conference teams are way way cooler than other teams.

Why you’ll be limp and lonely like Lon Chaney: They won the SEC. That isn’t saying much. They were a bad SEC team, which is like saying they were a fat fat person.

14. Cornell (21-9) Ivy League Champion

Why you’ll be celebrating in a sea of red: You won’t. They should have been a 16 seed.

Why you’ll be drowning in your own blood: They’re just not good at all. Missouri is going to hack them to bits.

15. Cal State-Northridge (17-13) Big West Champion

These guys don’t get a preview. I’m just posting this.

16. Chattanooga (18-16) Southern Conference Champion

Why you will be “Moc-ing” UConn (Get it???): They’ve got three solid scorers all averaging over 13 points per game, and they won the Southern Conference, which surprised me (and ESPN) because I thought that no one but Stephen Curry played in the SoCon.

Why you’ll be sitting at home, wasting away: None of that scoring prowess means diddly-shit against UConn, who will probably treat them much the same way a large tiger treats a human being wrapped in fresh gazelle carcass.

West Region Picks:

First Round: UConn, BYU, Purdue, Washington, Marquette, Missouri, Maryland, Memphis

Second Round: UConn, Purdue, Missouri, Memphis

Third Round: UConn, Memphis

Regional Champion: Memphis

Most Outstanding Player: Tyreke Evans, Memphis

East Region

Favorite: Pittsburgh

Precious little minefields: Villanova, Florida State

Sneaky Dark Horse Team: Oklahoma State

Grossly ill-equipped for this particular region: Duke

Fun to Watch: VCU

1. Pittsburgh (28-4) Big East Bad Motherfuckers

Why you’ll be wrestling co-eds in a kiddie pool filled with baby oil: The Panthers have arguably the toughest team, physically and mentally, in the country. They also have an elite point guard, a high-scoring wing player, and a dominant guy inside. They are senior dominated and have had extra rest time before the start of the tournament.

Why you’ll be tearing your hair out with a rusty nail file: If DeJuan Blair gets into foul trouble, the Panthers will struggle no matter who they are playing. Arguably the best team in the tournament, along with North Carolina, but their success hinges in large part on how the referees decide to call each game.

2. Duke (28-6) ACC Champion

Why you’ll be asserting your superiority over small forest creatures: The Blue Devils have something unfamiliar this year, that being some athleticism in the form of Gerald Henderson and Elliot Williams, not to mention Nolan Smith. If they shoot the three-pointer well, they’re one of the best four or five teams in the nation.

Why you’ll be eating lint for breakfast, lunch and dinner: They are incredibly vulnerable inside, and cannot defend teams that spread them out and drive. Problem is, there’s no fewer than two or three teams that fit that description in this bracket. Sorry, elitist pricks, this doesn’t look like your year, either.

3. Villanova (26-7) Big East Corn Producers

Why you’ll be giving your family the raspberries: The Wildcats are benefitting from a ridiculously good geographical draw, getting to play their first two games of the tourney in their home arena, and not having to travel far, assuming they make the regionals. They also have great guard play and more than serviceable guys inside.

Why you’ll be painting fences in the brutal heat all summer: If point guard Scottie Reynolds doesn’t score, they have to look at other sources of offense, and if one of them isn’t up to par, they’re in big trouble.

4. Xavier (25-7) Atlantic 10 Non-tournament Winner

Why you’ll be basking in your Catholic faith: Xavier is very well-coached, can score in bunches, and has some very good inside/outside play. Also, they have a stud player in B.J. Raymond. They also have Derrick Brown, who does more than passable work inside.

Why you’ll be going to confession, you dirty whore: They have NO point guard. They cannot take care of the basketball one bit, and they underperformed big time in the A-10 Tournament. Bad signs all around.

5. Florida State (25-9) ACC Scary Team

Why you’ll forget all about that academic cheating scandal: They have arguably the best guard in the tournament in Toney Douglas. I won’t repeat the maxim about guard play, I know you’re sick of it. They also are very tall on the frontline, and athletic all throughout the roster. They play tough defense and will be close in virtually any game.

Why you’ll run screaming from a horde of angry mutants: If Douglas doesn’t score, they don’t have any other real viable options. He needs to get about 25 per game for them to have a good chance, otherwise they need to turn the game into a big slogfest, and that doesn’t figure to be as easy in the NCAA’s against, say, Pitt, as it is against, oh, Virginia.

6. UCLA (25-8) Pac-10 Blah

Why you’ll be celebrating another Final Four: They’ve got dynamic guards in Darren Collison and J’rue Holliday, and you know that they’ll play defense because they’re a Ben Howland-coached team. They’ve got experience and won’t be fazed by pressure.

Why you’ll be in a holding cell, with no pants and less dignity: They got the opposite of what Villanova got, geographically speaking. They have to travel across the country to play VCU, a team with a better guard than either of their two. They also just plain aren’t as good as they have been in the previous few years.

7. Texas (22-11) Big 12 Bunch of wildly inconsistent dudes

Why you’ll be doing body shots off of Megan Fox: If A.J. Abrams is hitting threes and Damion James is playing his usual all-around game, they can beat any team in the country. With Connor Atchley and Gary Johnson, along with Justin Mason, there are good, experienced role players familiar with tournament pressure.

Why you’ll be doing body shots off of Rosie O’Donnell: Pretty simple—if Abrams plays poorly, they’ll struggle against any team in the field. Luckily for the Longhorns, he’s usually quite good, but if not, it’s going to be a first round exit.

8. Oklahoma State (22-11) Big 12 Mystery

Why you’ll be eating grass-fed filet mignon with T. Boone Pickens: Okie State spreads the floor and shoots threes. They have a good point guard in Byron Eaton, and a damn good scorer in the person of James Anderson. If they get hot, they could make a deep run.

Why you’ll be eating dog food with Lenny Dykstra: I love these simple teams. If they aren’t hitting threes, they have no chance whatsoever.

9. Tennessee (21-12) SEC Kinda good, but we’re not sure

Why you’ll want to wear orange all day and all night: When Tennessee is playing its frenetic style and the team is “on”, they are good enough to make it 3 or 4 rounds in. Wayne Chism and Tyler Smith present oodles of problems for any team unfortunate enough to have to guard them.

Why you’ll be forced into a bathtub naked with Bruce Pearl: Tennessee happens to be a wildly inconsistent team prone to multiple runs of bad and good play within one half. If they run into a steady team (read: Pitt) at any point, they’ll likely fall apart.

10. Minnesota (22-10) Big Ten Sorta okay if they’re playing at home

Why you’ll eat a delicious bass every morning for a year: 11 guys on their team get at least 10 minutes a game and put up at least four points per game. That’s as strangely impressive as it is hard to get a read on. Oh, and they have Blake Hoffarber, who did this in high school.

Why you’ll end up burning in an eternal hellfire: Not having an alpha-dog on your team is not a good recipe for success come tournament time. Plus, maybe they wouldn’t have to use so many guys if like 7 or 8 good ones emerged.

11. Virginia Commonwealth (24-9) Colonial Athletic Conference Champion

Why you’ll be feeling really smart after that A on your spelling test: They have, along with FSU’s Toney Douglas, perhaps the best guard in the tournament in noted Duke-killer Eric Maynor. He should be able to outplay Darren Collison and lead the Rams to victory. Oh, and they have Larry Sanders, who has REALLY long arms.

Why you’ll wish you never bought that Spin Doctors CD: Maynor won’t have an off-game, but if he did, hoo boy would we all look like morons. Good thing that won’t happen, right? Right? Hello?

12. Wisconsin (19-12) Big Ten Sucky Bunch

Why you’ll be eating cheese and loving life: You know what, I can’t really think of a good reason. I’d be the first to say that I can’t figure out how the fuck these assholes got into the tournament. Sorry Wisconsin, you get the CS-Northridge treatment.

Why you’ll be face down in a pool of motor oil, your hair burned off and your bowels removed: They’re just not that good. There isn’t a whole lot to say about this team that’s even remotely positive. One thing I know I’m not looking forward to hearing is the announce team fall all over themselves talking about Joe Krabbenhoft. Okay, we get it, he’s an everyman looking white guy and he’s not awful. Please let this be over now.

13. Portland State (23-9) Big Sky Champion

Why you’ll be smelling roses and kissing babies: First of all, they had to beat Montana State to get here. I’ll let you recover for several minutes before I continue. Finished? Okay, well, they have a diminutive guard named Jeremiah Dominguez that could become the darling of this year’s tournament. With a weak first round favorite like Xavier in front of him, the world is his to conquer.

Why you’ll be getting pinched repeatedly by midgets: Portland State is an average conference champion from a lower tier conference. Unless Dominguez wreaks havoc with whomever tries to handle the ball for Xavier, there will be no upset here.

14. American (24-7) Patriot League Champion

You know what, I don’t know the slightest thing about American University’s basketball team, and I don’t suspect that you care. So, can we all just agree that it would be beyond fucking badass if they ran out to “Real American?” I think the presence of Hulk Hogan in the gym couldn’t hurt either. It can’t cost that much money to get that orange goblin out of his house, can it? I doubt it. Anyway, they’re playing a true road game at Villanova, so they’re going to get anally violated by the Wildcats.

15. Binghamton (23-8) America East Conference Champion

Why you’ll be sitting on top of a mountain, smoking cigars and getting fanned by Peruvian glamour models: Binghamton has a good scorer in D.J. Rivera, who averages 20 points a game. It’s unlikely that they can scare Duke the way Belmont did last year, but the chance does exist, I suppose.

Why you’ll be wandering around in a stupor, a lampshade over your head: They are still a 15-seed, and being the subject of an OTL report about this guy can’t help the team’s focus.

16. East Tennessee State (23-10) Atlantic Sun Conference Champion

Why you’ll be playing in the sandbox, enjoying the halcyon days of your youth: I’m nervous enough about them to give them a chance against Pitt, mainly because Pitt is my team and I always assume that they’re going to suffer some ignominious loss far too early in the tournament.

Why you’ll be washing dishes in the back of a whorehouse: If Pitt shows up and DeJuan Blair plays at least 15 minutes of the first half, ETSU won’t stay within 25 points of them.

East Region Picks:

First Round: Pittsburgh, Oklahoma State, Florida State, Xavier, VCU, Villanova, Minnesota, Duke

Second Round: Pittsburgh, Florida State, Villanova, Duke

Third Round: Pittsburgh, Villanova

Regional Champion: Pittsburgh

Most Outstanding Player: Sam Young, Pittsburgh

South Region

Favorite: North Caroina

Roy Williams’ early exit courtesy of: Syracuse, Oklahoma

Fun to Watch: Hate to say it, but no one

Oh. Furr. Ray. Tit: Illinois

1. North Carolina (28-4) ACC Not champions

Why you’ll be playing a harmonica in a ray of golden sunshine: If Ty Lawson is healthy, they trot out this year’s ACC POY, last year’s National POY, sweet-shooting Wayne Ellington, and solid “other guys” in Deon Thompson, Danny Green, Bobby Frasor and Tyler Zeller. There aren’t any other teams that can hurt you in as many ways. Most people think they’ll win it all, and it isn’t hard to see why.

Why you’ll be de-feathering chickens on a farm in Boise for the rest of your days: If Lawson isn’t 100 percent, they’ve got a gaping hole in their lineup at the most important position. Hansbrough can be had by several big men, including Blake Griffin, DeJuan Blair, and a host of others. If Ellington isn’t shooting it well, they’re also vulnerable. Oh, and one other thing. They fucking refuse to play defense. Yeah, that can be problematic at times.

2. Oklahoma (27-5) Big 12 Not champions

Why you’ll be eating all the barbecue you can stuff down your gullet: Because, when healthy, Blake Griffin is an impressive force of nature, matched only perhaps by DeJuan Blair and Hasheem Thabeet. Freshman Willie Warren can light it up from outside, and gives the Sooners a much-needed second scoring option.

Why you’ll be living in a van, down by the river: This team has no depth to speak of, and if Griffin or Warren gets into any kind of foul trouble, they aren’t good, plain and simple. They’ve also stumbled to the finish line, which would make them seem ripe for a second round defeat.

3. Syracuse (26-9) Big East Peoples Champion

Why you’ll be moving to Aruba with your boss’ trophy wife: Jonny Flynn is one tough SOB at the point, and can be expected to shoulder a large chunk of the burden of getting the Orange to the promised land. Arinze Onuaku is a horse down low, and Eric Devendorf provides a much-needed white trash presence, not to mention decent shooting, to this team.

Why it’s another helping of gruel for you: The Orange aren’t very functionally deep, with a rotation of really only 6. Flynn and Devendorf have to be huge, and Onuaku and fellow big Rick Jackson must stay out of foul trouble. That’s a lot of variables to throw at any team.

4. Gonzaga (26-5) West Coast Conference Champion

Why you’ll be the talk of the PTA: The Zags have some very solid talent, from point guard Jeremy Pargo to do-everything forward Matt Bouldin to post presence Josh Heytvelt. They’re well-coached, battle-tested, and they have enough parts to make a deep run.

Why you’ll be cleaning toilets with your own toothbrush: What they don’t have is a legitimate star that can take over games. Oh, they think they have one in Austin Daye, but he’s softer than premium toilet paper. He makes Adam Morrison look like a warrior. I don’t want Gonzaga to win simply because I hate this lazy shit’s excuse for “game”.

5. Illinois (24-9) Big Ten Also-ran

Why you’ll be the happiest guy in Topeka: I really can’t think of a good reason. If there’s a tailor-made 12/5 upset game, it’s this one. So I guess that’s what the Illini have in their favor, the element of “no one believes in us” even though they’re the much higher seed. Seriously though, their point guard is hurt, they lost TWICE to Penn State, and they just appear to be fluttering aimlessly through the breeze.

Why you’ll be the saddest guy in Sheboygan: Everything I said above, plus the fact that they’re playing arguably the strongest 12 seed.

6. Arizona State (24-9) Pac-10 Sorta good

Why you’ll be cashing your lottery check: They’ve got one of the best two or three NBA prospects in college basketball in the person of sneaky, silky James Harden. That alone should be enough to carry them past a Temple team that has no business being in the tournament.

Why you’ll be the last man in the arena, head between your knees: If Harden isn’t going bonkers, no one else on the team will. The fact of the matter is, they’re not particularly outstanding outside of ol’ James. They play super slow, so that might help them keep it close, but they’re a 9 seed in 6 seed’s clothing.

7. Clemson (23-8) ACC Not champion

Why you’ll be crossing the border into Mexico for cheap, plentiful prescriptions: In the persons of K.C. Rivers, Terrence Oglesby and Trevor Booker, they’ve got a hell of a nucleus. They could very well beat Oklahoma, assuming they get out of the first round.

Why you’ll be in the tub when your jealous wife plugs in the toaster and drops it in: Clemson is precisely the type of team I’d pick against if they were going up against a relatively athletic, well-coached team like Michigan, that plays an unusual style and regularly frustrates opponents. And what do you know, they are!

8. LSU (26-7) Bastion of SEC stability

Why you’ll be eating gumbo until you pass out, happy: As they were a few years ago when they made a Final Four run, they’ve got a ton of athletes, and have guards that
can really score, including SEC POY Marcus Thornton and Tasmin Mitchell. Clearly the best team in the SEC this year, which isn’t saying a whole lot, but still.

Why you’ll be trying to pry your head free from an alligator’s jaws: Unfortunately for LSU, they have a tough, gritty Butler team in round one. Assuming they survive that, they get UNC, which is a mirror image of their team, except they’re a shitload better. Them’s the breaks, fellas!

9. Butler (26-5) Horizon League NOT Champion

Why you’ll be tinkling in Hinkle Fieldhouse: Butler has a lot of young guys this year, but they do have Matt Howard and Gordon Hayward leading the charge down low. Hayward in particular is a match-up problem, as he has a guard’s skills in a big man’s body. Shelvin Mack, like Hayward, a freshman, can create off the bounce and open things up for Butler’s three point shooters.

Why you’ll still be shamed over your premature ejaculation: Awful first round pairing for them. They could have been as high as a 6 seed, I think, but LSU has the athletes and the outstanding guard play to wear them down.

10. Michigan (20-13) Big Ten Last team in?

Why you’ll hate asshole Michigan grads even more: They have high level scorers in Manny Harris and DeShawn Sims, and thanks to John Beilein, they play a disorienting system that gives other teams fits. Beilein has a history of having teams make a run in the tourney, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see Michigan in the Sweet 16.

Why you’ll be relieved they’re gone: They’re not as talented or as physical as Oklahoma from top to bottom, and if Blake Griffin stays out of foul trouble, one would figure they won’t be able to stop him from having a monster game and bouncing them from the tourney.

11. Temple (22-11) A-10 Champion

Why you’ll be getting a call from Publisher’s Clearinghouse: Temple makes every day Christmas day (see what I did there, with the awful Chris Berman pun?) with star guard Dionte Christmas. As he goes, so go the Owls. Which reminds me, when you get above the ten seeds, for the most part, a team’s success comes down to one player. Just a thought. If Christmas goes nuts, the Owls beat ASU.

Why you’ll want to do nothing but cry yourself to sleep: News Flash! If Christmas doesn’t score a ton, Temple has absolutely no shot to win against virtually every other team in the tournament.

12. Western Kentucky (24-8) Sun Belt Conference Champion

Why you’ll be going to Sonic for popcorn chicken for days and days: Four players averaging double figures? Check. A win over Louisville earlier this season? Check. A leading scorer with a cool name (A.J. Slaughter)? Check. I’d say Western Kentucky has all they’ll need to beat Illinois.

Why you’ll be furious, and stab your boss in the knee with a fountain pen: Well, seeing as most of the civilized word is picking them to win, it’d be pretty disappointing if the Hilltoppers didn’t spring the upset. Ahh, the burden of great expectations on young men, still only having started to find their place in this confused, chaotic world.

13. Akron (23-12) Mid-American Conference Champion

Why you’ll have the sweet embrace of Elle MacPherson: I’ll be honest, I don’t know diddly shit about Akron. I don’t think they have an iceberg’s chance in hell against Gonzaga, even though I’m not so high on Gonzaga.

Why you’ll be castrated by a moose using a rusty spoon: See above.

14. Stephen F. Austin (24-7) Southland Conference Champion

Why you’ll wake up next to Gisele, with a chilled bottle of whipped cream at the ready: Because Syracuse played six overtimes not long ago and might be ripe for a letdown in the first round. And because their team’s nickname is the Lumberjacks, and that sounds mighty!

Why you’ll wake up next to the same hag you married: Syracuse is a much better team than Stephen F. Austin. Sometimes, it’s just that damn simple people.

15. Morgan State (23-11) MEAC Conference Champion

Why you’ll be drinking Cristal with all your homies and peeps: No good reason for these guys either. This is an extraordinarily weak bracket, if you haven’t already noticed. With the exception of Western Kentucky, this bitch should be chalk.

Why you’ll be laughed at in Vegas: They just aren’t good, their coach is fucking crazy, and they’re playing Blake Griffin in the first round. Bad set of circumstances.

16. Radford (21-11) Big South Conference Champion

Why you’ll be doing a guitar duet with B.B. King: You won’t be. They’ll be lucky to stay within 30.

Why you’ll be hit by a bus next time you try to cross the street: Because the names on their uniforms say “Radford” and the name on the other team’s uniforms is “North Carolina”.

South Region Picks:

First Round: North Carolina, LSU, Western Kentucky, Gonzaga, Arizona State,
Syracuse, Michigan, Oklahoma

Second Round: North Carolina, Gonzaga, Syracuse, Oklahoma

Third Round: North Carolina, Syracuse

Regional Champion: North Carolina

Most Outstanding Player: Danny Green, North Carolina

Final Four:

Wake Forest vs. Memphis

It’s pretty easy for me to pick this one, as Memphis’ withering pressure will get to Wake Forest and cause more turnovers than they’re used to having. Plus, Wake’s contingent of young guys might be more easily flustered by Memphis than by Louisville, as the Tigers will come at them with better athletes at almost every position.

Score: Memphis 74, Wake Forest 65

North Carolina vs. Pittsburgh

Tough game for me to pick, as I think these are the two best teams in the country and this will be the best game of the season. I can think of plenty of reasons to pick either squad to pull this out, but in the end, I think Pitt will be able to dictate tempo a little bit more than Carolina, and that will be the difference in a surprisingly high-scoring, but incredibly well-played game. One note: If DeJuan Blair gets into foul trouble, all bets are off.

Score: Pittsburgh 82, North Carolina 80

National Championship:

Memphis vs. Pittsburgh

I think Memphis is probably the third best team in the country as this tournament gets underway, but I don’t think they’re equipped to handle Pitt. Jermaine Dixon should be able to switch onto Tyreke Evans and hold him relatively in check, and the Panthers should have an advantage in the paint. The x-factor will be the Panthers’ bench, which has been good at providing a spark all year, and should lead the way to a narrow victory in an intense game.

Score: Pittsburgh 73, Memphis 70

St. Patrick's Day four-point play

2009-03-18T02:30:00.007-04:00

While FLS' gargantuan NCAA Tournament post remains in yinzer limbo, I'd like to take a few moments to revel in how well Tuesday went for the Cavs.

First, we defeated fellow conference contender Orlando amid an intense playoff atmosphere at the Q by making big plays down the stretch. Then, the Bulls donned their butt-ugly St. Patrick's Day jerseys and knocked off the Celtics, dropping Boston 4 1/2 games behind us in the race for the East's top seed.

The icing on the cake was Andre Iguodala's buzzer-beating dagger that stabbed the Lakers in Los Angeles and made us Top Gun in the race for NBA's best record.

To recap: that's a five-game lead in the loss column on both Boston and Orlando and a one-game lead on the Lakers, who are about to embark on a long road trip while we play 10 of our final 15 games at home.

Cheers, fellow Cavs fans. It's a great night to be us.

Announcement

2009-03-16T20:22:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I know a few weeks back I pledged to update this site more often--well, I just haven't had the time. However, your definitive NCAA preview is coming tomorrow.

And by definitive, I mean a minimum of 10,000 words and lots of pretty pictures.

Screw you guys, we're going to the playoffs

2009-03-14T13:43:00.008-04:00

Hey you guys! Look what I have! A 2008-09 division championship!

Say, where's your 2008-09 division championship, Boston?

Ooooh, you don't have one yet? That's too bad.

And where's your 2008-09 division championship, Orlando?

Ooooh, you don't have one either? That sucks!

And where's your division championship, Detroit?

Oooh, you can't have one this year, can you? Hahahahaha!

And where's your division championship, Lakers?

Oh, you already have one. And you beat us twice.

Well screw you guys, we're going to the playoffs!

I look down and whisper...no

2009-03-09T21:37:00.015-04:00

One of the most interesting elements of the graphic novel "Watchmen" is Dr. Manhattan's comprehension of the universe. A nuclear accident has redefined the parameters of his vision, how he sees time as a mostly unalterable spacial dimension, how his scientific knowledge now fuels his disinterest in mankind. Whereas human beings are confined by their relativity, he's able to experience the universe as it is. Imagine the Earth's entire population situated on a cliff in the Rocky Mountains, and then imagine Dr. Manhattan standing a couple miles away, able to see the whole range.

As both a hardcore fan of the graphic novel and a proponent of comic book movies, I feel very similar to Dr. Manhattan when discussing Zack Snyder's film version of "Watchmen." All my friends have talked about how cool it looks, and how it's going to be a more intellectual comic book movie, and how it's going to work on film in its own way. After seeing it in Burbank in glorious IMAX, I can't do anything more than shake my head.

So before I start my rant, I apologize. I'm sorry you aren't smart enough to see the totality of this film adaptation like I do. I'm equally sorry that I can't just chill the fuck out and enjoy the movie like you did. I truly am.

With that in mind, I'll begin at the end.

The truth is that most of the movie is incredibly faithful to the graphic novel, from the dialogue to the details of each shot. But the changes made to the ending tear down the fundamental nature of Ozymandias' plan. (By the way, if you want to avoid spoilers about both the book and the movie, you should get lost pronto. And if you haven't read the book or seen the movie, you won't have any clue what I'm talking about.)

While Ozymandias didn't necessarily embrace the Keene Act (the legislation that outlawed costumed heroes), he did embrace the opportunity it gave him to become a hero of a different sort. As a man who started out with nothing, Adrian Veidt trained his mind and body to become a remarkable human being. The mask and costume only helped him be louder about it. After the Keene Act, he became the ultimate philanthropist, helping people through the same honest, hard-working means that built his global company. There wasn't much bitterness in his crusade, except bitterness toward mankind's inevitably savage nature.

Well, the way the movie pins his plot to destroy several major cities on Dr. Manhattan seems fairly bitter to me. Shifting the blame -- along with some hostile words for Dan Dreiberg, aka Nite Owl II -- cuts the legs out from under the plan. In the novel, Veidt teleports a giant squid-like creature to New York City that explodes upon arrival, killing more than three million people. The Americans and Soviets are both tricked into thinking that aliens have attacked Earth, and they suspend their hostilities in order to work together to combat the new threat. The whole scenario is somewhat ridiculous, yes, but as Veidt notes, Hitler proved that people will believe a lie if it's big enough.

In the book, Veidt is a man who reveres ancient cultures and their leaders and believes he can transplant their ideology into conflicts of the atomic age. In the film, he's a ferocious dickhole whose far more dictatorial than benevolent. He seems less like the bravura and arrogantly altruistic figure created by Alan Moore and more like the spiteful Richard Nixon who's stayed in power for his own benefit.

As part of his reworked ending, Snyder also chooses to cut the brief exchange between Dr. Manhattan and Ozymandias, which contains Dr. Manhattan's immortal final line: "Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends." It's one of the cruxes of the novel delivered in understated fashion. It's also the kind of subtler storytelling that Snyder apparently doesn't believe in.

The movie is loud, perversely violent and more than happy to wallow in its own excrement. Because the central plot is crammed into 163 minutes, there's no space for the fictional literature that follows each chapter and provides necessary depth to the characters and world of "Watchmen." There's no way to duplicate the 30-some pages of symmetrical panels in the chapter "Fearful Symmetry." There's no room to intersperse the irony of the "Black Freighter" comic. There's no time to ponder Dr. Manhattan's intriguing suppositions about time and space, or any of the characters' opposing viewpoints for that matter. There's no time to spend with the citizens of New York at the newstand, and that may be the worst omission of all. Their interactions in the novel remind us that humanity isn't entirely dishonest or irresponsible. Since the movie focuses solely on costumed adventurers in a fucked-up world, it feels like the people they're trying to save deserve to die, anyway.

All that can be summed up in one sentence: The storytelling of "Watchmen" doesn't translate to the screen. It's that simple. It's what Moore's been saying for two decades. It's what people who don't understand storytelling can't comprehend. Snyder was as faithful to the graphic novel as one could hope, and that's a big reason why the movie doesn't work.

That said, the movie isn't totally without merit. The title sequence is excellent, with Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'" playing as the events of the alternate timeline are detailed. Juxtaposing Billy Crudup's soft voice with Dr. Manhattan's towering figure is the only time the movie approaches the irony of the book. Jackie Earle Haley absolutely steals the show as Rorschach, who's probably one of the five greatest characters in comic book history. Haley is unrecognizable with his mask on, and somehow even less recognizable with his mask off. He fully inhabits the role and seems to channel a frequency separate from the proceedings. His performance isn't much different than the one that just landed Heath Ledger an Oscar.

But those are really the only things the movie carves out for itself. Of course these are great characters. Of course the dialogue is pulp-tastic. Of course the story is brilliant and relevant. It was written that way 20 years ago.

And please, don't be an idiot who claims I'd feel differently if I hadn't read the book. The film's ad campaigns have labeled Snyder as a "visionary" director, and the movie looks good. But it's also way too crowded and incoherent (I can't imagine how people who haven't read the book actually keep up with everything). The pacing is terrible, the atmosphere is one-note and some of the performances are incredibly amateurish (Malin Akerman, I'm talking to you). These are fundamental flaws that would be noticeable without ever reading a word of Moore's work.

These flaws exist because you can't film "Watchmen." Too bad Snyder didn't have the vision to see that.

I'd Say They've Made Their Case

2009-03-08T10:51:00.002-04:00

Uh, yeah, regardless of what happens tonight in the UNC/Duke game, Pitt had better be the number one team in the land and the number one overall seed in the NCAA Tournament. I'm not sure what else they have to prove, at least in terms of the regular season.

That said, I'd like to see them play UConn two more times, and maybe have another bout with Louisville.

Awesome.

Mike Adams back for more fail

2009-03-06T15:13:00.008-05:00

Looks like Cleveland has re-signed safety Mike Adams, seen here taking an interception away from another Brown and here trying to tackle Marion Barber with his pointer finger.

This gives us some clues about Eric Mangini's strategy in the secondary: be out of position, give 30-yard cushions in coverage, tackle like a pussy and be more afraid to go over the middle than the receiver. Wonderful.

In other news that's less likely to make me commit seppuku (don't look it up unless you're over 18)...

Cavs. Celtics. Live from Boston. 8 p.m. ET tonight.

Here's a handy little article from Chris Mannix over at Sports Illustrated that sizes up tonight's game and discusses why it's so important. My favorite quote:

"...the Cavs have been the stronger road team in the clubs' recent meetings. As one Celtics insider put it, 'When Cleveland plays in Boston, we win. When Boston plays in Cleveland, they win big.'"

Couldn't have said it better myself. We're a lot closer to winning in Boston than Boston is to winning at the Q.

Tell you what? Let's win tonight so it won't matter.

LET'S GO CAVS

Tell him somethin' Jooooe

2009-03-04T14:11:00.008-05:00

After completing his buyout with the Thunder and clearing waivers, Joe Smith is a Cavalier again. His re-addition basically means Danny Ferry traded Damon Jones for Mo Williams last summer. *Cough cough GM of the Year cough cough*

A lot of Cleveland blogs are applauding the move but still being cautiously optimistic. Fuck that.

Five reasons Boston should be pissing its pants:

1. Smith brings defense, rebounding, shooting and leadership to our frontcourt

2. The addition helps fill the hole left by Ben Wallace's injury

3. Now we can legitimately go 12 deep

4. He's a veteran who's hungry for a ring (like P.J. Brown last summer)

5. Joe Smith > Mikki Moore

Five reasons the Lakers should be pissing their pants:

1. Joe Smith won't forget to box out Lamar Odom

2. We now have five frontcourt regulars who are 6-foot-9 or taller

3. Smith gives us two bigs with 20-foot range

4. We're as deep as the Lakers without everybody healthy

5. The way the rest of the schedule sets up, L.A. will likely start in Cleveland if the two teams reach the Finals

Five reasons Orlando should be pissing its pants:

1. We've added another big man while the Magic continue to play only one

2. Six extra fouls to use on Dwight Howard

3. Smith has veteran savvy the Magic can barely match with their whole roster

4. He's another spot-up guy to respond to Orlando's inevitable stretches of hot shooting

5. Despite Wallace's injury, we won't fall back toward the Magic in the standings

Five reasons the Clippers should be pissing their pants:

1. You're the Clippers

2. You're the Clippers

3. You're the Clippers

4. You're the Clippers

5. You're the Clippers

Pittsburgh Pie-Rats Position Preview: First Base

2009-03-03T19:32:00.006-05:00

The first of many exercises in self-flagellation, this is your look at the first basemen that will attempt to lead the Pittsburgh Pirates to the promised land that is 81-81. Like virtually every other position on the Pirates, first base is woefully manned. In theory, the Bucs have a competent starter in Adam LaRoche, but then again, in theory I'm a prestigious venture capitalist with a fleet of gold-plated Lamborghinis and a gaggle of specially bred Chinese fighting geese.

Typical

The Pirates don't really have anyone behind LaRoche. This actually isn't a huge problem from June 1 onward, as LaRoche straps on his spandex tights and mask that grant him powers of competency. April and May are a different story. You look at LaRoche’s stats overall and you see a guy hitting around .270 or .275, giving you about 22-25 homers, and knocking in 80-90 runs. You’d look at that and think, “Oh, this guy’s not so bad, he’s a decent first baseman.”

Wrong.

In April and May I’d rather have AIDS playing first base than Adam LaRoche. He hits in the low .100s with pretty much no power during these months. What’s worse, he usually doesn’t even make contact, and if he manages to not strike out, he rolls over a grounder to first base. The coaches say it’s all mental, and that they expect him to break through in the early season sooner or later. I say, “BULLSHIT.” Adam LaRoche is a major-league baseball player, and even resembles one for four months of the year, so I’m going to go ahead and remove “mental hurdles” as a possible cause of him being worse than a blind four-year-old for the other two months.

See me bitching like I just did? That’s the Pirates first base situation. What does it say about them that they don’t even have another player worth mentioning at this position?

Sigh.

Put out an APB for the No. 1 overall seed

2009-03-03T01:56:00.007-05:00

There's still a quarter of the season left to play, but things are starting to look very good in Cavs land. Consider:

a. We just finished 3-1 on our toughest roadie of the year, and we had no business doing so (more on that in a second)

b. After playing four of our next six on the road, we finish the season with 12 of 17 games at home, where we're 26-1 this year

c. We've overtaken Boston by a full game for the Eastern Conference's best record, with a showdown in Beantown on Friday

d. There's no word on when Kevin Garnett will return for the Cs

e. While the Lakers still own the best overall record by a half-game, their ridiculously home-heavy first half is starting to give way to the weary, travel-laden second half

f. Numerous league sources say that Joe Smith will sign with us after his Thunder buyout clears on Wednesday, filling a huge need up front

All good harbingers for the Cavs. Now back to that roadie.

After getting dismantled in Houston last Thursday, we caught the Spurs without Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili in San Antonio on Friday. That's not a game we should lose, and we didn't. No surprise there.

Rather, the surprise came the last two nights, when we won at Atlanta and at Miami. The first time we visited each venue this season, we lost both games. We crumbled in the fourth quarter in Atlanta, and the New Year and LeBron's birthday caused us to play sluggish in Miami.

Fast forward to this weekend. We rallied from five points down with less than two minutes left to finish off the Hawks, and then LeBron and Mo Williams outperformed the Heat by themselves down the stretch on Monday, despite the fact that the Cavs didn't arrive in Miami until 7 a.m. due to plane issues and spent the entire day sleeping.

That's two wins in two nights against the two teams currently on pace to battle in the East's 4/5 matchup. No crumbling on the road this time. No excuses about circumstances surrounding the game this time.

No reason to let the No. 1 overall seed go to anybody else, either.

DJMJ's sole remaining Browns jersey now defunct

2009-02-28T12:29:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I buy Browns jerseys. It's not like whichever injury-prone talent or busted draft pick I choose is going to be with the team past another quadrennial rebuilding stage. If I was a real jersey head, I'd get longsnapper Ryan Pontbriand's No. 64. He's always in the Pro Bowl. That investment would be wise, and therefore totally unbecoming of the Browns.

Anyway, my home No. 80 Kellen Winslow is officially obsolete now that K2 has been traded to Tampa Bay. No jokes about him "soldiering on" or something like that, just utter lament that the only guy on our roster who could catch passes is now catching them for someone else.

Ah well, if the Mangenius and Kokinis feel it's what's best, then we have to let them make their mark. In the meantime, I'm gonna be relaxing this weekend the best way I know how.

The blog is in FLS' hands the next three days. I wonder what chaos I hath just wrought.

Ben Wallace feels left out

2009-02-27T16:21:00.016-05:00

I'm basketball's baddest man, Big Ben Wallace. You seen me on the court sendin' shots back into grown men's faces and snatchin' loose balls like Harvey Milk at the Y. But I need somethin' new in my life. I think I'm 'a go get hurt.

Darnell, didn't you fracture yo wrist in November?

Oh damn, you look healthy now. I ain't havin' that shit.

Hey yo Delonte, what's the word on yo fucked up wrist?

Delonte. Delonte! HEY, DELONTE!

Shit, man, these reporters be too loud for Big Ben to be heard. I'LL HIT YOU UP LATER WESTSIDE!

Man, I gotta find a way to get hurt fast. These Cleveland fans actually feel good about they chances this season. I mean -- HEY YO SASHA! SASHA WAIT UP!

DAMN! That dude rolled out quick. He's enjoyin' all this time off now that he fucked up his ankle. Haha, he always got some sissy injury that be buggin' him.

Wait, that's it! Sissy injuries! I gotta get me some advice from my main man Boobie. Where he at?

Ooooh snap, I ain't even touchin' that. He gettin' coached by E. Snow. He about to get a whole 'nother level of sissy injury. Even sissier than that toe and ankle shit he always get.

Let me think. Who else been injured recently? Didn't Tarence Kinsey suffer somethin'? Yo, TK, what you up to?

Hahaaaaaaaaa, that's the dope shit! First his ankle, now he tryin' to get his face rearranged! You a crazy motherfucker, TK. I like my face the way it is.

I'm still healthy, though. I ain't havin' that shit. If Larry Hughes was still here, I could just hang around him for a few minutes before my elbow exploded or somethin'.

Nah, man. If I wanna get hurt like right now, I gotta turn to the Cavs' senior injury expert, the White Wizard, Big Z.

Big Z: Hello, Benjamin. What is up?

Big Ben: I gotta hurt hurt, homey!

Big Z: Why is this?

Big Ben: E'erybody else been doin' it this year. I feel left out!

Big Z: Why have you come to me?

Big Ben: 'Cause you hurt just about everything you CAN hurt in yo feet during the first half of yo career. I need some advice.

Big Z: I would not recommend that, Benjamin. Those were some of the darkest days of my career.

Big Ben: So you gon' help me or what?

Big Z: Sorry.

Yao Ming: Psssst, Ben. Over here.

Big Ben: Yo what up Yao?

Yao: I know how to hurt you.

Big Ben: How?

Yao: My leg is rated "Dolph Lundgren" on toughness scale used in Beijing. I kick you in your leg.

Big Ben: You sure you can break it? How long will I be out?

Yao: Four to six weeks.

Big Ben: Aight, cool. Do it.

Yao: Done. I already do same for Jameer Nelson. Now I need to cripple Celtics somehow.

Big Ben: Nah, don't do that.

Yao: Why?

Big Ben: They just signed Steph. They got enough issues.

I'm a FUCKING BUCCANEER!

2009-02-27T14:31:00.003-05:00

~~Old~~ Chronically injured soldiers don't die, they just ~~fade away~~ get traded to Tampa Bay.

How Stephon Marbury Would Affect Boston's Title Chances, in Picture Form

2009-02-26T11:37:00.004-05:00

It's been awhile, let me just check..........yep the Browns still make me want to kill myself

2009-02-25T16:01:00.010-05:00

Glorious news from the Plain Dealer today. It seems that new head coach Eric Mangini is cultivating such a great relationship with his players that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers wants out. That's right, the only defensive player besides D'Qwell Jackson who's worth his weight in walrus shit doesn't want any part of the new regime. AWESOME.

Oh, and here's a little something I noticed awhile ago but could never logically work into a post. Thanks to the Mangina's inexplicable neglect of Rogers, I'm going to inexplicably put this out there:

Shaun Rogers, leader of the Yanagopa. Rainforests suck.

A fond remembrance

2009-02-25T02:56:00.015-05:00

It's insane how fast things happen in sports, and also kind of depressing. It seems like whoever wins a championship these days doesn't get more than 48 hours of coverage before the attention turns full-bore to next season. Franchises don't have the same level of staying power, either, and that's partially by design. Sure, some teams enjoy a prolonged stretch of success here and there, but teams like Bill Russell's Celtics and Vince Lombardi's Packers are things of the past.

One team that's had a nice run recently is the Detroit Pistons. They won the NBA title in 2004, returned to the Finals in 2005 and have reached the Eastern Conference Finals in six straight seasons. They're still alive for a seventh consecutive trip, but that seems unlikely, especially after they lost to Miami on Tuesday and fell below .500 for the first time since November 2006. What's more, their current seven-game slide is the team's longest losing streak since late winter 2003.

It wasn't too long ago that Detroit was LeBron James' biggest roadblock, the team that he had to overcome to reach the promised land, much like Michael Jordan did in the early '90s. Those were some awesome games and series. The rivalry between Cleveland and Detroit was a can't-miss affair, one of the best the NBA had to offer.

Now that the Pistons are struggling, it's just not the same. The Cavs absolutely crushed them at the Q on Sunday. That never would have happened a couple years back. We're 17 games up in the division, and we might be the first team to clinch a playoff berth. Our games against Boston and the Lakers draw way more attention than our tilts with Detroit.

And to be honest, it kind of makes me sad.

Er, wait. What I meant to say was

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Guess who's back...back again

2009-02-24T02:32:00.011-05:00

Sorry to my fan(s?) who had to live without my disgustingly witty (or just disgusting) posts the last few days. Things got a wee bit busy, but fortunately FLS and his college basketball introspectives filled the void.

All I know is that the Delonte West returned with a vengeance, the Tribe has reunited in Arizona, Eric Mangini hasn't said shit about what he's doing and Heath Ledger won a fucking Oscar. Plus my Dad's birthday was Monday. Happy birthday Dad!

Coming soon will be more Cavs/Tribe posts, some entertainment musings and perhaps a couple of joint blog features.

Tell a friend.

Um, That's Not Legal

2009-02-23T15:15:00.005-05:00

Courtesy of Deadspin comes today's video that makes me want to vomit all over myself.

Of all teams, Duke should know that it's not the NBA out there, because none of their players, save for the mind-bogglingly annoying Gerald Henderson, will ever see an NBA floor.

Must Be Calhoun

2009-02-23T14:55:00.004-05:00

I don't know if Jim Calhoun has a vote in the coaches poll, and I don't know if some sycophantic UConn or Oklahoma beat writers have votes in the AP Poll, but how on EARTH is Pitt not a unanimous number one in either set of rankings? Inexplicable. Oklahoma getting two votes I can almost live with. Yes, they lost, but their best player, who also happens to be the best player in the country only played 11 minutes and they had a chance to tie in the closing seconds. I don't agree with that, but I can live with that.

But UConn? UConn? Sorry, Jerome Dyson isn't a miracle worker. His loss hurt the Huskies, but I think everyone still believes they're a title contender without him. The manner in which Pitt won (dominate inside early, weather a Connecticut run, finish strong) dictates that they should be a unanimous number 1. I want to meet the coach and voter who had the Huskies at the top, because they both need a violent, remorseless beating. Oh, and I hope the coach is Calhoun. I'd beat his hard-talking, bitch-ass, wah wah wah ass all the way down the Mass Pike.

Creative Differences Off-topic: Facebook, Middle Names and You

2009-02-23T13:18:00.005-05:00

I could spend days, weeks, months, virtually any length of time talking about things that I don't like. In fact, I've already done so before. This list includes but is not limited to: People that drink domestic beers and then make fun of people that drink craft beers, people that drink craft beers and make fun of people that drink domestic beers, Pennsylvania drivers, the sadness I feel when a great cut of meat is poorly cooked, sales jobs, sales managers, etc.

However, the one thing that's been pissing me off for months now is the ongoing trend I've seen on facebook: Putting your middle name in as your last name, instead of, you know, using your real last name. I was going to give a few people I know a pass about this, because they're teachers, and some small part of me can at least see a little bit of logic in that, but then I realized that the only people that are doing it are teachers. So with that in mind, everyone gets it.

The ironic thing about this trend is that it started in part because, as facebook started to morph into a professional networking tool, people did not want their prospective employers to find them in various states of undress, drunkenness, or my favorite, and preferred style, both. Amusingly enough, these people, who are the same ones who have sanitized their profiles beyond belief, are the ones that might well have a potential employer look for them on facebook and not be able to find them. Imagine that you'd taken the time to clean up your facebook and listed all your jobs and achievements and dreams to change the world (you fucking hippie) and had even taken the time to leave that group about wanting to beat your high school english teacher to death with a tire iron because he just made life miserable for everyone, dude, and then joining ones about saving puppies and the like, and no one could find you because your fucking posted name was Kimberly Ann. Not only do you now sound like a stripper, you also feel like one--anonymous and alone.

Maybe if people had the goddamn balls to just adjust their privacy settings to "super duper private", this wouldn't be such a fucking headache for my eyes. If an employer thinks you're some world-beater and hires you and three weeks into the job you're coming in hung over on a Tuesday, you think they might start regretting that decision and thinking a little less of you? Oh, and teachers? Just FUCKING DENY FRIEND REQUESTS! You're not there for these idiot kids you're teaching to be your best buddies, you're there to teach them. I wrote an article about this subject of profile cleansing and the like for a large college newspaper a few years ago (your annual clue as to my identity) and the response was lukewarm. By lukewarm, I mean that everyone was so busy scrubbing their facebook pages with disinfectant that it looked like no one had actually ever gone to college, they'd just claimed a degree. A facebook profile for someone between the ages of 18 and 25 should have some rocking pictures and good stuff on it. It's the business of a hiring company whether they put stock in what you have on what, at it's core, is simply a fun social networking site, or what you've actually achieved in your life. If they don't like it, fuck 'em, and for fuck's sake, keep your last name.

Bulls Title-Bound

2009-02-19T15:02:00.004-05:00

The Bulls acquired Tim Thomas and Jerome James from the Knicks today, clearly vaulting them to the top of the Eastern Conference.

"I'm ecstatic to have Tim and Jerome in the fold. With those two, you're getting two of the elite players of our time, and two dominant guys that can carry us to the top. I can speak for Derrick Rose when I say that he is thrilled to death and can't wait to get out on the court with these guys," Head Coach Vinny Del Negro said.

Bulls fans have been lining up at the United Center to snatch up tickets for remaining home games this season.

Wacky trade deadline adventures

2009-02-19T11:47:00.008-05:00

As the trade deadline approaches, it's clear that Cavs GM Danny Ferry is on a crusade to make upgrades to the roster. We've hammered other teams about the availability of Amare Stoudemire, Antawn Jamison, Marcus Camby, Brad Miller, Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson, James Posey, Joe Smith, and more.

Now comes the wildest proposition of all:

Brian Windhorst is reporting that the Cavs are in serious discussions about trading for the Big Aristotle now that Phoenix has morphed back to its up-tempo style. What a whammy that would be.

No deal yet, and a little more than three hours to deadline.

Stay tuned.

Uglier Than a Taiwanese Hooker With Leprosy

2009-02-19T01:46:00.007-05:00

In not so surprising news, Penn State and Illinois have both been removed from the Big Ten basketball conference and forbidden from ever fielding Division 1 programs again. On the heels of this abortion of a game, it isn't hard to see why.

Honestly, Penn State should be ashamed of itself. Illinois should be really ashamed of itself, and every single person that paid to get into that game should be given a full refund. 38 to 33. Think about that. With under one minute left in a major college basketball game, the score was 34 to 33. Pitt/UConn was 36 to 33 at the half. Most other college games were right in that area. 34 to 33 is a 7th grade girls basketball final score. The ESPN headline for the game was "Battle clutch in powering Penn State past Illinois." Sorry, no one was clutch in this game. The people that sat through this without falling asleep were clutch. Talor Battle had 4 points in the last minute of the game, and that almost DOUBLED his point total for the first 39 minutes. He was the only double digit scorer in the game. He had 11 points. Let me remind you again, these are the best of the best, in terms of high school players. You could put a good high school team out there against a major conference D-1 program and they'd at least get 25 points or so over the course of a game, probably more.

The fact that basketball games like this take place makes me feel bad for all parties involved. If you're Ed DeChellis, can you really walk into the locker room, even though you're 19-8, and say, "Great win guys?" Of course not. What I would say in that situation is, "Enjoy the short flight home, because we're having practice when we get back." I don't care if a win is a win is a win, sometimes a win is a loss. An ugly, awful, aesthetically atrocious LOSS. DeChellis should treat it as such.

He shouldn't be as hard on his team as Bruce Weber is, though. The Fighting Illini didn't attempt a foul shot the entire game. With the way today's games are called, do you have any concept of how difficult a feat that is? That kind of incompetence almost needs to be celebrated. You would think one of these guys would trip over his dick and fall over while shooting to at least get to the stripe once, but no. Not to mention, but ILLINOIS WAS RANKED going into this game. Who the fuck could be rightly placed behind them in the polls after this? A team of blind and deaf midgets? Not sure if they wouldn't give the fightin' shitfuckers a game. I hope this loss drops them from number 16 to number 312, because that's where they belong.

What a fucking disgrace.

1980s Tom Cruise thinks your trade prospects are lame

2009-02-18T13:02:00.018-05:00

A long time ago, Tom Cruise was cool. Really cool. Almost to a point where nothing could portend his abrupt spiral into religious madness, shitty role selection and complete douchebaggery. People look back on him and shake their head. "Man, what happened?" I sure hope I'm not saying the same thing in a few months when I look back at this year's NBA trade deadline.

We've got Wally Szczerbiak's $13 million expiring contract and a couple of tasty trade pieces to work with. I love how Wally's played this year, and if we trade him I hope he gets a buyout and rejoins the team in a month. But his contract is wretched, and as long as we can upgrade without sacrificing team chemistry, he should be swapped.

Sounds like Danny Ferry's thinking the same thing. With the Suns all but removing Amare Stoudemire from the trading block, here's what 1980s Tom Cruise thinks of our top targets:

Marcus Camby, Clippers center

Top Guns: A defensive stalwart who's toiling away in basketball oblivion, the Cambyman automatically locks up our post and provides a reliable scoring threat. He's also a great teammate and a veteran hungry for a ring.

Risky Business: There is none, other than Donald Sterling saying that Camby and Eric Gordon were the only two "untouchable" Clippers. Riiiight. Oh, and this incident with our current GM.

Cruise rating (out of four):

Antawn Jamison, Wizards forward

Top Guns: Another hungry veteran who can defend and create his own shot with excellent range. Jamison's a former Sixth Man of the Year, so he'll have no issues coming off the bench, and he's playing much younger than his age (32).

Risky Business: Ernie Grunfeld knows there are other ways to stay out of the luxury tax besides shedding Jamison's contract, and he's confident the team can make one more run when Gilbert Arenas is healthy. Plus it's the Wizards, and they hate us.

Cruise rating:

Brad Miller, Kings center

Top Guns: A seven-footer with good range and a decent defender.

Risky Business: Out of shape, laden with drug problems, questionable teammate, you name it. Sources say we could have acquired him any time in the last month...yet we haven't. What's that tell you?

Cruise rating:

Vince Carter, Nets guard

Top Guns: Vincanity is having a bounceback year, averaging 21 points, five rebounds and five assists. Plus his defense doesn't totally suck anymore. Talk about a second option.

Risky Business: The Nets want to get rid of Carter, but they're fielding more enticing offers as we speak. And we don't need another guard, especially a selfish guard who could mess with chemistry.

Cruise rating:

Raef LaFrentz, Trail Blazers forward/center

Top Guns: Do we want to trade for him? Hell no. But 80 percent of his expiring contract will be paid by insurance companies, so if Portland can dump him quickly, Szczerbiak's contract becomes the most attractive expiring deal out there. Let the offers roll in!

Risky Business: Hopefully the Blazers don't wait until 2:59 p.m. EST on Thursday to trade him.

Cruise rating:

This is the Sound of Me Smirking

2009-02-17T12:32:00.004-05:00

I remember reading ESPN's college basketball preview edition and chuckling to myself about Hasheem Thabeet's quotes regarding other outstanding big men in college basketball, specifically Tyler Hansbrough and Luke Harangody. The quotes were brash, brazen, and mainly disrespectful to the reigning National and Big East POY's. Funny thing was, I agreed with some of it. Hansbrough is perpetually overrated, despite what Dick Vitale wants to tell you. Harangody will get his 27 and 12, except it'll take him 26 shot attempts to get there. In a lot of ways, he's like a white, tall, lurpy Allen Iverson. So Thabeet was probably right to go after those guys. He didn't, however, have anything to say about DeJuan Blair. Probably because he didn't know who he was. Jim Calhoun is notorious for bad-mouthing Pitt, even as they beat his team, so it wouldn't be surprising if the same dismissive attitude permeated his players.

It's safe to say that if Thabeet had dissed Blair in print, DeJuan would have gone for about 45-40 last night. If Thabeet was the clear choice for Big East POY before last night, doesn't Blair have to now be in the driver's seat if he simply reaches his averages each game the rest of the year? I can't honestly think of a bigger statement game by a college player this year. Yeah, Blake Griffin goes nuts nightly, but he's playing JV teams compared to the minefield that is the Big East. Jodie Meeks has scored approximately 378 points five separate times, but again, the SEC has all of one ranked team, and it ain't Meeks' Kentucky Wildcats.

So let's assume Blair finishes strong and wins the award like he should. Can we also safely assume that if the man stays out of foul trouble in the post-season that Pitt will at least make the Final Four? I think we can. He's that good--good enough that I hope he doesn't leave for the NBA after this year. You can bet the scouts were drooling over him last night in spite of the fact that he's maybe 6'6 1/2", tops.

This post is nothing more than a rambling expression of my growing man-crush on Blair. I was going to try and write some big-time, shit-talking missive about how Pitt rulz and all that, but then I realized that they'll get a chance to prove it all over again on March 7. Keep Carolina/Duke, Dickie V, I'll take this shit any day of the week.

I Hate My LIfe, or the Pittsburgh Pirates Pitchers and Catchers Preview

2009-02-16T12:11:00.005-05:00

Unlike MomJeans, who has legitimate reason to be excited about his team, which is at least perpetually interesting and perenially relevant, if not championship material every year, I'm stuck with the Pirates. Let's dive right into this pit of endless despair and look at pitchers and catchers.

(I've also come up with this handy color-coding system to give you an even better impression of where this bunch stands.)

Red--Good player, lot of potential.
Green--Guy that could have a comeback year, or could backslide again. Easily the most crucial color.
Blue--Lingering like a stale fart.
Yellow--I wouldn't trust him with my toast, let alone my life.
Brown--Dead weight.
Orange--I know nothing about this guy.

Catchers:

Ryan Doumit--Nickname used to be "No-mitt." Thankfully, he's gotten better in that department, and he can flat out rake from both sides, especially the left, which is convenient given PNC Park's short porch in right. If he stays healthy, which is a big fat "if," he could go .310-30-100. One of the few bright spots, and possibly the only guy I'll write this much about.

Robinzon Diaz--Honest to God, there's like 6 other guys listed as catchers on the roster, including Evan Meek, one of the Pirates' worst ideas ever, but Diaz gets the nod because he has a number assigned to him. Like I said, let's hope Doumit stays healthy.

Starting Pitchers:

Paul Maholm--Next to Doumit and outfielder Nate McLouth, he might be the only positive story on this team. Maholm pitched way better than his record would suggest last year, and was clearly established as the Pirates' ace by the end of the year. He's a crafty lefty and appears to have the mental makeup of something other than a five-year old.

Ian Snell--Was "quietly" bumped up into virtual-lock status for the rotation this year. I'm a fan of this only because the guy is a bulldog competitor who wants to win in the worst way AND has filthy stuff. Still, he needs to learn that most major league hitters won't be overpowered by a 94-mph fastball from a righty, and the ones that would be happen to play on his team.

Zach Duke--During his rookie season he went approximately 23-1 with a 1.75 ERA. Sadly, for a long time that year, my ERA estimation was pretty close to accurate. Since, he's fallen off the wagon, and into a never-ending box of jelly donuts. Pitched decently at times last year, and also "quietly" moved into near-lock status for the rotation, but he damn sure doesn't deserve it.

Phil Dumatrait--Like all Pirates pitchers, he hurt his arm last year and is still recovering. Might be a long-relief guy this year, but in a perfect world, he'd be a fourth or fifth starter. Has surprisingly decent stuff and seems to know how to pitch.

Ross Ohlendorf, Jeff Karstens, Tom Gorzelanny--Again, if all were right and good in Bradenton, Gorzo would destroy the other two and get the fifth spot. He was in the Paul Maholm slot going into last year, and just sucked. I mean, he fucking SUCKED. Apparently his conditioning program in the off-season really impressed the coaches, but he'll need to have taken an introduction to pitching program to really be a factor this year.

Relief Pitchers:

Sean Burnett--Lefty long-relief/sometime specialist guy who wants the ball and believes in himself. The Pirates need more guys with his fire, and less guys with his propensity for pouring gallons of gasoline on smoldering embers.

John Grabow--Very effective situational lefty, all-around solid pitcher, and a pretty good dude. Naturally, the Pirates are looking to deal him.

Tyler Yates--Righty version of Grabow, though not nearly as good. Prone to bouts of wildness. Should be on the trading block, but that would make too much sense. Nevertheless, he could be worse.

Craig Hansen--Awful, awful, awful. A 6'5" pile of suck. Amusingly enough, I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriend was banging him when she lived in Boston. This alone would be enough to earn him a ticket to low Single A ball forever, but he should find his way there on merit anyway.

Romulo Sanchez--Latin spice version of Hansen, with the caveat that he could actually become good. Stay tuned.

Matt Capps--The Tyler Hansbrough of closers. Remarkably hittable, yet usually gets the job done, albeit in frightening fashion. When he blows up though, watch your house if it's within 3 miles of the field, there might be a ball in the front lawn with burn marks on it.

Pitching Coach:

Joe Kerrigan--Finally, someone with name recognition. I'm praying this guy can eke every last ounce of talent out of these guys, as it is the only chance the Pirates have of making it to the promised land that is 81-81, or, gasp! 82-80.

Coming up whenever DJMJ and I feel like it: Position players for both teams.

Dunkin' donuts

2009-02-15T02:44:00.008-05:00

Several quick observations from Saturday's dunk contest, the showcase event of NBA All-Star Weekend:

Donut No. 1:

Props to Nate Robinson, who stands 5-foot-9 and has now won the contest twice. He's not Spudd Webb (who was barely half as tall as the hoop and jumped over cars for Christ's sake!), but that's an impressive display of athleticism.

Donut No. 2:

A 12-foot hoop? A foul-line jam? Come on, D12. Too much theatrics, not enough originality.

Donut No. 3:

I'm sick of these dunks where the real achievement is on the part of someone else. A couple years ago, Steve Nash headed a ball to Amare Stoudemire, who got mad points for the jam when he didn't really do anything. Tonight, Pau Gasol bounced a perfect pass off the backboard (on the 18,650th attempt) to Rudy Fernandez, who grabbed it and slammed it home from under the hoop. Weak.

Donut No. 4:

J.R. Smith is one of the NBA's top leapers, but we didn't get to see that tonight because Sonny Weems apparently paid Smith his last 10 game checks for an hour in the spotlight.

Donut No. 5:

Chris Tucker was courtside for All-Star Saturday Night. Looked like he should lay off the donuts.

Donut No. 6:

Dwight Howard won the dunk contest last year dressed as Superman. So Robinson wore a "krypto-Nate" outfit with a "krypto-Nate" ball. Game. Set. Match.

Donut No. 7:

LeBron said he's entering the dunk contest next year in Dallas. There will be no survivors.

It's Tribe time

2009-02-12T15:10:00.005-05:00

On the gorgeous sandbanks of Goodyear, Arizona, the Cleveland Indians are back at it. Pitchers and catchers report today, thus beginning the quest for the 2009 AL Central crown and kicking off a scorching run of Tribe posts on this blog.

Odd-numbered years have been very good to the Indians this decade. 2001 was the last AL Central title for the '90s crew and the first for general manager Mark Shapiro. 2003 sucked, but we won 93 games in 2005 and then won the AL Central in 2007 and came within a whiff of beating both the Yankees and Red Sox in the same postseason to reach the World Series.

Last year was disappointing, but we caught fire in the second half to finish 81-81. C.C. Sabathia's gone, having signed an economy-crippling contract in New York, so here's a quick look at the pitchers and catchers that are going to put us back on top of the division:

Starters:

Cliff Lee - All that is man

Fausto Carmona - Must avoid injuries to return to '07 form

Carl Pavano - Cost-effective experiment at No. 3

Anthony Reyes - ERA is low, injury risk is high

Aaron Laffey - Must prove that '07 stretch run wasn't a fluke

Potential starters:

Jeremy Sowers - Ex-DJMJ whipping boy looked good during second half of '08

Scott Lewis - Red-hot lefty killed it during four September starts

David Huff - Shot up through the minors, MLB debut likely coming soon

Zach Jackson - Provides depth and competition for others

Bullpen:

Kerry Wood - Effective fireball closer probably won't avoid DL entirely

Rafael Perez - Great left-handed reliever needs a bounceback year

Rafael Betancourt - Will we get '07 Righty Raffy or first-half-of-'08 Right Raffy?

Jensen Lewis - Reliable reliever and second option at closer

Joe Smith - If he can pitch well out of the Mets' bullpen, he can do it for anyone

Masa Kobayashi - Inconsistency must stop if he wants another Major League contract

Adam Miller - Top prospect in the organization might finally make his big-league debut

Rich Rundles - Has value as another lefty in the pen

Catchers:

Victor Martinez - Baseball's best offensive catcher needs to stay healthy

Kelly Shoppach - Baseball's best back-up catcher will lighten the load on V-Mart

Carlos Santana - Prize of the Casey Blake trade won't be in Akron for long

Self-indulgence!

2009-02-11T16:36:00.007-05:00

(To the tune of "America, Fuck Yeah" from Team America)

Dee-Jaaay Moooom-jeeeeans
DEE-JAAAY MOOOOM-JEEEEANS

D-J M-J, FUCK YEAH
Kickin' some ass on his motherfuckin' birthday
D-J M-J, FUCK YEAH
Blogdom is the only way yeah

Family!
FUCK YEAH
Friends!
FUCK YEAH
Cleveland!
FUCK YEAH
LeBron James!
FUCK YEAH
Penn State!
FUCK YEAH
Sportswriting!
FUCK YEAH
Hot chicks!
FUCK YEAH
Cocktail!
FUCK YEAH

The Dark Knight!
FUCK YEAH
Heath Ledger!
FUCK YEAH
California!
FUCK YEAH
Jim Kirk!
FUCK YEAH
Pontiacs!
FUCK YEAH
Whiskey!
FUCK YEAH
24!
FUCK YEAH
The TV show!
FUCK YEAH
Tax season!
FUCK YEAH
Las Vegas!
FUCK YEAH
Vizio!
FUCK YEAH
The Gallaghers!
FUCK YEAH
Tenacious D!
FUCK YEAH
Subway!
FUCK YEAH
Money!
FUCK YEAH
Guitar Hero!
FUCK YEAH

Joey Crawford can suck my ass

2009-02-11T03:23:00.022-05:00

Vulgar, I know. And I don't give a shit.

I also don't accuse refs of winning or losing games. Blaming referees is the deus ex machina of stupid sports fans. I never do it, and I rarely bitch about them. And if you don't believe me, again, I don't give a shit.

But I'm going to bitch about them now. Joey Crawford in particular.

First, a little clarification of my argument. In the NBA, there are two people that get the spoils: the aggressor and the superstar. The Mavericks lost in the NBA Finals three years ago not because they got shafted by the refs, but because the Heat (Dwyane Wade in particular) were the aggressors for the last three and a half games of that series. If you sit back and play like a pussy, you're not going to get calls. That's just how it is. The superstars also get the calls, because the NBA is as star-driven as any league gets. Kobe Bryant is going to get whistles in crunch time that Patrick O'Bryant is not. And it's been that way for a couple decades now, so teams have to adjust. It rarely fluctuates.

Not rarely enough.

On Tuesday night, Joey Crawford made an awful call against LeBron James, a call that resulted in the winning point being scored by the Pacers. It was atrocious. Preposterous. Possibly nefarious. In simple terms, it was the worst call I've ever seen against a Cleveland Cavalier. Yeah, that bad.

I'm not sure how long the highlight video will be on the net, so watch it here as soon as possible. The play is an inbound alley-oop intended for Danny Granger with 0.2 seconds left, and LeBron clearly has position on Granger and knocks the ball away. It's an under-thrown pass that both players are going for, and if anything, Granger is guilty of an over-the-back.

Not in Crawford's eyes. Crawford has never been afraid to rub the game's best coaches and players the wrong way, and he certainly did that tonight. His whistle sent Granger to the line, and to Granger's credit, he won the game with a clutch free throw.

Problem is, he shouldn't have been taking those fucking free throws in the first place. Mike Brown speculated that that Crawford's decision was a make-up call for what he felt was a bad call by Bennie Adams immediately beforehand. That call, also viewable in the highlight above, was made against Granger on a similar alley-oop attempt to LeBron, who made the game-tying free throws because of it. But Granger was clearly face guarding LeBron on the play, and there was a considerable bump at the hip.

It was the definition of a call that could go either way, and like I said before, when a call can go either way, it almost always goes to the superstar. Granger is an All-Star and great young talent, but he's not LeBron, especially on a night when James blows up for 47 points on 71 percent shooting and Granger scores 16 points at a 28 percent clip.

What does it all mean? Well, if the foul hadn't been called on LeBron, the game would have gone to overtime, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you for sure that the Cavs would have won. This was just one of those hard-fought division games that shouldn't be decided on bullshit whistles in favor of second-tier stars.

The reactions of LeBron James and Mike Brown tell the story, too. LeBron is visibly dispondent after the play. Most of the time, he barks at the referees like a pitbull until he gets what he wants. This time, he just sat there in disbelief.

Brown was not so quiet. He called it "the worst call that I have ever been a part of" and admitted he didn't care if he got fined for griping. "This isn't me. I never do this." We know, coach.

To top it off, that call ripped away the distinction that pleased me most about the Cavs this season. Sure, the 12-game unholy destruction streak was awesome and the home record is hotter than Lucy Pinder. But for the first time all season, we lost back-to-back games. That speaks to this team's resiliency.

LeBron didn't get much help tonight, and we ended up shooting 14 more free throws than Indiana, so I'm not going to blame the refs for the outcome. It was just one bad call made at the single most inopportune time.

For that, Joey Crawford can suck my ass.

"What the Hell?" for 500, Alex

2009-02-09T14:21:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry, is it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I make a mistake over the past couple weeks that deserves to be thrown in my face like this? I don't think I did. I haven't gone out of my way to be a great samaritan, but I haven't done anything bad, either.

And yet here I sit, having just endured a sports week that included the following:

- The Steelers win the Super Bowl, just when it looked like they were going to lose

- Santonio Holmes mocks LeBron James after scoring the winning touchdown

- The Cavs play at Madison Square Garden, so all the LeBron-to-New York talk kicks back up

- Mo Williams is passed over AGAIN for an All-Star spot by David Stern

- LeBron has his historic 50-point triple-double taken away when the league office rules (and rightfully so) that one of his rebounds should have gone to Ben Wallace

- The Lakers ruin the Cavs' perfect home record

Did I miss something? I'm not used to experiencing that much heartbreak and buffoonery this time of year. Are the Browns still playing?

In either case, I hope this shit stops soon. It's my birthday on Wednesday, and I'm in no mood to spend it watching LeBron tear his ACL after hearing that Eric Mangini cut Shaun Rogers with a bunch of people chanting "Here we go Stillers" outside my apartment.

Fin.

The Draft Picks of Destiny

2009-02-08T14:12:00.003-05:00

A long-ass fuckin' time ago in a town called Kickapoo
There lived a Laker family, Kobe through and through
But yay! There was a black sheep, and he knew just what to do

His name was young L-B and he refused to step in line
A vision he did see of fucking winning all the time
He turned the Cavs around and oh the planets did align

Oh the Lakers' balls were blazin' as he stepped into their cave
And he sliced their fucking heads off with a long and shiny blade
'Twas he who slayed the Lakers, slayed the Kobe, slayed the Luke
And if you try to fuck with him, then HE SHALL FUCK YOU TOO

GOTTA GET IT ON AND THE PARTY'S ON
I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THE PARTY'S ON

Scott Boras is a Shitbag

2009-02-07T19:02:00.003-05:00

Scott Boras on A-Rod's positive test for two different anabolic steroids in 2003 (by the way, Boras said he had heard of no positive tests):

"In a worst-case scenario, if that were true, it was one season and since then Alex has gotten the Good Housekeeping seal the last 5 years."

If you've just killed three small children just for kicks, then hacked them up and dumped them in the ocean, and you want to feel good about yourself, just dig up a record of Scott Boras' best quotes. I promise you'll feel better in no time.

All-Star Bale-out

2009-02-06T20:18:00.008-05:00

Hi, I'm Mo Williams, point guard of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Over the past few days, a lot has been made of my not getting selected to the Eastern Conference All-Star team. I didn't get voted as a starter by the fans, then the coaches didn't choose me as a reserve, and when Magic point guard Jameer Nelson suffered a shoulder injury that prevented him from playing in the game, NBA commissioner David Stern opted to add a third Celtic instead of a second Cav.

My teammates have my back, and the Cleveland fans and media have voiced their disagreement as well. All this support is really flattering, but like I said last week, it's not a big thing for me. I'll use it as motivation to prove to everyone how good I am, and how good we are as a team.

Since everyone has been so adamant in their support, however, I feel it would be a disservice to ignore the love. Therefore, I brought in someone to argue on my behalf who can get Mr. Stern's attention.

I'll kick your FUCKING ASS, Stern! THINK for ONE SECOND! What the FUCK are you DOING? Are you PROFESSIONAL or NOT? Am I gonna walk around and run your FUCKING LEAGUE? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH YOU? You got any fucking idea about "Hey, that's FUCKING DISTRACTING!" Fuck's sake, man, you're an amateur! This is the SECOND TIME you don't give a FUCK about what's going on in Cleveland! You're unbelievable, man. You're un-FUCKING-believable! Do you WANT me to go TRASH your league? DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING TRASH IT? You do NOT get it! You and I are DONE professionally!

FUCKIN' ASS!

Uber Mwnage

2009-02-06T02:08:00.010-05:00

Three cheers for Celtics guard Ray Allen, who was selected Thursday by NBA commissioner David Stern to fill the final Eastern Conference All-Star spot. That spot was left vacated when Magic point guard Jameer Nelson dislocated his shoulder Monday night, and Ray went out and celebrated the achievement the best way he knew how.

By missing the game-winning shot!

Never mind the fact that Ray got a shitty excuse for a screen from Glen Davis on the play, or that the Lakers probably fouled him before the jumper. No, the story here is that (obligatory He Got Game reference!) Jesus Shuttlesworth missed a potential game-winning shot the same night he slid onto the East's All-Star roster.

His selection means three Celtics will play in Phoenix, and before Nelson's injury, Orlando had three players going as well.

But the Cavs, who currently have the best winning percentage in the conference?

Just one.

For some reason, Stern neglected to give the final spot to Cavs point guard Mo Williams, whose numbers are right on par with Allen's in every major statistical category. He's also ignoring the biggest difference: the 12 MORE WINS we have at this point compared to last year.

I'll cut my rambling short. I honestly don't care all that much, because every time someone gives the Cavs the disrespect card, they start smoking teams left and right. But I will say this. The most glaring example of the egregiousness of Stern's decision might be reflected in tomorrow's Plain Dealer, where Brian Windhorst, one of the NBA's most unbiased beat writers, openly acknowledges that Williams has been "snubbed" and "slighted."

Enough monkey business with Boston. The Lakers are 5-0 on their current six-game roadie, and the grand finale is Sunday's tilt at the Q.

23-0. Bring that shit the fuck on.

Watch and Weep

2009-02-05T22:03:00.004-05:00

Here at Creative Differences, we made the executive decision recently to provide you with more content. We did a lot of posts during the immediate run-up to the Super Bowl, and though they weren't great, we (I) enjoyed them. Therefore, we're going to be making an attempt to post on something approaching a regular schedule, with at least 1 or 2 posts a day, as opposed to our previous M.O., which often left multi-day gaps between posts. Also, we're going to start tagging posts from here on out with our names, so as to allow you, the reader, to jump to your favorites. This of course means that I really don't have to do this, just DJMJ, because he writes all the damn good stuff here.

That said, enjoy the Manualist.